New here - is my dad a narcissist?

[gonzo]

I was referred to this place by someone on Reddit (raisedbynarcissists) awhile back.  I have been lurking here for some time but just created an account. 

- Anytime I express an opinion that he didn't think of first, regardless of what it is, his knee jerk reaction is to disagree.  This might involve interrupting, yelling, or talking over me.  Sometimes he'll even later contradict his earlier opinion.

- He will call me and literally spend hours ranting and complaining about other people and what they've done to him.  For example, he called me a couple times in the past few weeks.  Both conversations were over three hours and involved another family member that upset him.  It took him three hours to ask how I'm doing and he didn't even ask that but asked about work.  I might be feeling good at the beginning of the call and feel drained by the end of the call and "hungover" (so to speak) the next day.

- He needs my empathy but gets little from me.  If I talk about any problems at work, he talks over me and then mentions that he "put up with" when he was working almost as if to say "you're one of us (in the family), deal with it".

- He'll come over to my place and point out something he needs done (i.e. something insignificant like weeds that need to be pulled, for example) as if he's ordering me to do some work as if I'm still living under his roof.

- He complains to me about my mom (his ex-wife), my brother (who rarely visits/calls), and other family members and relatives.  When things are going well, he will find other things complain about (i.e. it could be the weather or his neighbors or people in town or things in the news or on TV)

- He complains about his finances.  It's not that he's poor but he sees other people (i.e. neighbors or family) around him with more money and resents them.  He seems to have a problem with people who have more money or stuff than he does.

- He'll belittle decisions that I make - even something as insignificant as what I had for dinner. 

- If he calls and I don't answer, he'll call again later and again after that and then it's like he wants to know why I didn't answer.

- He tends to blame other people when there is something he doesn't like.  It's always somebody else's fault.

- He's judgmental on how people spend their time and money.  Or asks me how people get their money if they buy something he doesn't have.

- He likes to judge and criticize people and make comments about appearance.  Anything that anyone (i.e. some type of hairstyle or clothing change) does outside the norm tends to trigger him.  No wonder I never experimented with my style in my youth and hesitate to do so even when older.

- If I have a good experience, he's not happy for me.  For example - I once won an award at work that 1 in over 1000 people won.  Instead of congratulating me, he would go on about how his employers never honored him.  I had a long weekend around Christmas time, he complained that he never had Christmas Eve or a long weekend off (which is a lie).  Yet he would also complain when I had a job where I worked holidays. 

- He complains about being lonely and people not reaching out yet it goes completely over his head that his own attitude has something to do with that.

- Basically he turned me into his "best friend" a long time ago.  As he lost people in his life (due to divorce, moving away, passing on, etc), he has clinged more and more onto me where I find myself playing multiple roles.  It's like I'm an unpaid therapist and soothe him when he's upset.  He even wants me to be his lawn guy.

- He has complained to me how his mother and some of his other elders treated him (i.e. criticism, judging, nitpicking, etc) and yet turns around and acts the same toward me and is completely oblivious to it.

- Visits and phone calls are usually long.  Calls are 3 hours or so.  When I visit, he wants to keep me around as long as possible.  It's like he wants to be the one to initiate ending the call or visit.

I could probably add to this but that's the gist of our relationship.  It's not all bad.  I can talk some subjects with him but again, it's like he expects me to play multiple roles and often needs my attention (either visit or phone call or texting).

[Rebel13]

Hi gonzo, and welcome. This relationship sounds exhausting. It kind of doesn't matter what diagnosis your dad may or may not have. It sounds like it is wearing you out. You might want to check out the article on boundaries, if you haven't already, and start thinking about how you can make decisions that prioritize your wants and needs, and preserve the parts of the relationship that are good for you, instead of always having to interact the way your dad seems to want.

The strategies of medium chill and gray rock can be helpful in implementing boundaries with difficult people.

Wishing you the best, and hoping you share more when you feel ready and able.

You deserve some space and time to think about yourself.

[gonzo]

Hi gonzo, and welcome. This relationship sounds exhausting. It kind of doesn't matter what diagnosis your dad may or may not have. It sounds like it is wearing you out. You might want to check out the article on boundaries, if you haven't already, and start thinking about how you can make decisions that prioritize your wants and needs, and preserve the parts of the relationship that are good for you, instead of always having to interact the way your dad seems to want.

The strategies of medium chill and gray rock can be helpful in implementing boundaries with difficult people.

Wishing you the best, and hoping you share more when you feel ready and able.

You deserve some space and time to think about yourself.

Thanks rebel, I appreciate the kind words.  I am familiar with gray rocking (and good at it) but will research medium chill.  I manage to gray rock okay to keep a scene from erupting but tend to ruminate about conversations afterwards.  I will check out the links.

[bloomie]

Hi, gonzo. Welcome to Out of the FOG. Wow!! 3 hour phone calls with anyone, would be enough to drain most people. A starting gate question for me would be is it reasonable to offer up that much of your time and emotional energy to someone who, from your description, does not show even a reasonable level of interest and reciprocity in the exchanges you do have.

The other thing I have learned to ask when examining an established relationship that is draining me -  did I agree to... all of the things you listed, and I am betting there are so many more expectations you are facing?

We come here to come out of the fear, obligation, guilt and move into a place of authentic living that reflects standards in relationships that both honor us and others.

For me, that has meant a long journey of figuring what works for me and does not work for me and learning and growing into implementing limits that reclaim what belongs to me: my time, emotional energy, finances, life choices, effort and standards.

You hold the keys to your life and you hold the keys to figuring out the best path forward. Sometimes the best hope for a relationship to continue without burnout and bitterness, is for us to build into our lives realistic expectations and limits. And to begin to live those out.

Part of the journey for me has been to get comfortable with disappointing people I care about, and even being misunderstood, when I can no longer over function and turn over important areas of my life to someone who, in my own case anyway, doesn't appreciate or value the sacrifices and loving support I have/am showing.

Keep coming back! Read through the info at the drop down  menu above - the toolbox, articles, check out the other online resources and book recommendations that have been a help to all of us, but the real gold mine is in the conversations taking place all over the forum. I look forward to supporting you and seeing you on the boards!

[gonzo]

Hi bloomie.  Yeah the long phone calls have been the case for years.  If we're on the phone, he doesn't want to let me go.  If I visit, same thing.  He tries to keep me there as long as possible.  I vacation with him as well which is something else that was started years ago.

There are other expectations for sure.  I'm supposed to be the cheerleader and the therapist and be a good listener.  Yet he doesn't have to be a good listener and likes to rain on my parade.  It's like I'm filling voids that other people used to fill.

I have had to set boundaries and limit contact a bit.  I manage to stay calm, gray rock, often but sometimes find myself ruminating after a visit about something (or a number of things) he said.

I will check out the resources.  Thanks!