Missing out on life!

[Juju]

Here I am in my golden years with a man who has multiple personality issues but the biggest one is his reluctance to do things, ie anything out of area, flying cruising sporting events or any event really that is not close by!  He will not go to the gym, he will not go to a public pool and the list goes on.  I had mentioned before I had a full active life with my late husband but now it seems empty, I keep myself busy I have my own money so I can travel if I want, I have a few friends but life is just so different since my husband died, my sons have their own lives and really don't like my partner too much as they know what he is like.  I know I sound like a broken record about this man but I don't know why I thought things would be different the 2nd time around (we broke up for a year and he won me back) he is charming funny and caring about me but it so hard living with someone like this you feel like "what the hell" why am I so nutty as to waste the last 10 or 15 years of my life with such a person who has so many problems ......help

[Rebel13]

Hi Juju,

I can understand your frustration about having a partner with such different interests. I've definitely experienced circumstances like that in close relationships.

I've gone through the death of a partner, and I know a different relationship after that can feel disorienting, among many other things. But I wonder if you've thought about how you would feel if you knew your current husband was comparing you to a past partner, especially one who died, and you were always "not good enough" in comparison?

However, as you note, your dissatisfaction with this difference is not new for you, and, unfortunately, I think the only person who can help you is you.

You're the only one who can decide whether the good parts of the relationship -- a partner who is "charming, funny, and caring" -- outweigh the reality that your partner doesn't share your interest in "a full active life" doing things out in the world.

If you can accept that he is someone who likes to stay at home, and look for home-based activities you can share and enjoy with him while doing other activities on your own or with friends or family, your relationship might be lovely. I know a lot of people who would enjoy a relationship like that.

I think I remember you mentioning in the past that he objected verbally to your spending time with your family, and if that's true, then you might need to set a boundary about that. For example, "I enjoy going out and spending time with my family. You are always welcome to come, and if you choose not to, that is your choice, but those are normal things to want, and I will be doing those activities with or without you." If he can accept you as YOU are, then again, you might have some really nice times together.

If you really feel like you are "missing out" too much by going out, traveling, and spending time with family without him, or if he can't accept how important those activities are to you, then maybe the relationship isn't right for you. As we know, we can't change other people, no matter how much we wish we could. And your husband, like all of us, deserves a partner who loves and accepts him as he is, rather than resenting how he is and wishing he were someone different.

Wishing you the best in resolving this problem and making the life you want.

[Juju]

thank you for amazing advise and words of wisdom, I do love this man and just him with me and it is hard when I have to do activities, holidays and family things without him but am well aware of what I have to accept if I want to stay in the relationship, it is just difficult sometimes and guess I just miss my old life.