Doesn't want to go now ..... always excuses!

[Juju]

So my partner and I are invited to a wedding, he is suppose to be the best man, this wedding is with a retired couple who have both lost their spouses.  This wedding is suppose to be very small just family and close friends. Well the couple decided to get married in one place and have a dinner party in another area, well this decision on their part threw my partner for a loop now he doesn't want to go.  I know his friend is depending on him but he feels like he is justified because of a few petty things that happened.  I also feel it is because the dinner is in an area that is far for him as he is phobic about going out of area.  Oh lord he driving me crazy sometimes with this as he justifies his feelings he will not put himself out for anyone.  He gets mad a stupid petty things (I feel) and always seems to have an excuse not to show up!  Is this a personalty problem??

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's really disappointing. However, as best man presumably these friends know your partner intimately and would not be surprised about his fear of going to the reception venue? Is him doing just the ceremony and you going to the dinner without him an option? I think this is a job for radical acceptance. He's going to make decisions according to his own personal calculus. I'm sorry. I think he's missing out on a lot of life, but my or anybody's opinion doesn't change anything.

[Catothecat]

Let him make his excuses and deal with the consequences.  I agree that those who know him long enough will realize what he's doing. They're likely seeing it even if they don't say so.  After all, it becomes kind of obvious if it happens enough. 

I have (had?) a friend who's become a recluse.  She wasn't like this when I first knew her, but over time she started giving excuses for not wanting to do this or that, until now the only people she sees are her brother and another friend who's also her landlord.  Seems everyone else, including me, drifted away.  It's sad but that's just the way she is.  In her case, it seemed to be based on insecurity and her feeling that when she was with others, she needed to do things to please them and she got tired of it.  She assumed others had expectations they didn't have and she wanted to be self-protective.  Her behavior wasn't based on anything actually going on but on her assumptions. 

[square]

He's your indoor cat.

You can re-home him or you can just see him when you get home, but either way he's going to stay an indoor cat.

[MaxedOut]

He's your indoor cat.

You can re-home him or you can just see him when you get home, but either way he's going to stay an indoor cat.

 
Excellent way to look at things. My xUBPDw also became increasingly agoraphobic and reclusive. In retrospect, two key things: it was good that I re-started going to and doing things on my own; it would have been better for me and her had I done that sooner.

Doing all I could to "accommodate" increasing agoraphobia and reclusiveness only seemed to feed/normalize/insulate things. I don't think I should have been her exposure therapist or anything, or tried to talk hr into more, but just living my life and being matter-of-fact about her/my choices would have certainly been healthier for me and I think better for her.

[Juju]

Yes the only problem I have is his resistance to me going to my sons going to do things that he doesn't want to do and he won't come with me because of his issues.  It is hard on me because I've never understood it, but 90 percent of the time I don't fight it but the other 10% of the time it totally annoys me.  My boys don't understand it and have never met a person who is so phobic, he does have his good points and this is why I'm with him and when I think about leaving him again (we spilt up once for a year) I know I'll be lonely and it is difficult to be alone or at least this is what I tell myself I am not getting any younger ...

[Juju]

Square
I love your comment, so true!

[MaxedOut]

So Juju, what would do you think it would look like if you did establish that you will go and do things you want to do and that your sons have the right to as well?

Either the book Stop Walking on Eggshells or Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist has a section on exactly this. It was helpful to me to read and to see what establishing these things kindly but firmly looks like. As the book said was possible, there were some ramped behaviors for some of the things (extinction bursts) but overall it worked, reset a new pattern, and allowed to reconnect with things I like to do, people I like to see, etc. It seeemed to be easiest if a regular pattern (e.g., pickle ball on Thursdays and visiting parents Sunday afternoon) or with plenty of warning time.

[1footouttadefog]

Are you open about his situation. 

I know that once I opened up about my spouse being mentally ill, it helped me a lot.  People accepted it, it gave them relief because they did not have to pretend all was normal and they could then invite just me and not worry one or both of us would be offended.

I don't go into details, I just say my husband is a mental health patient with early stages of dementia and he does not socialize much these days.....He does not like crowds.... he does not travel well ....what ever detail is needed.