I became codependent

[NotAhNewt]

I've posted the back story to my situation in my welcome post, but now that I've had my light bulb moment I can't unsee just how warped things are for my partner. I can't unsee the foundations of our past that led me to develop codependency. I recognize that I'm trauma bonded to him now and my codependency made me refrain from setting any boundaries. Now I'm being taken for a ride, isolated from friends, and shrinking all for his comfort. And worse yet, he still isn't happy. He's still dealing with his own issues though now that he feels he's "won" because I'm compliant to his unfair demands he's been trying to improve himself, but I'm suffering. I literally fear him and in the past all he would do is yell at me to simply just get over my fear rather than show that he is safe and trustworthy.

I feel like I want out. I can feel myself screaming internally to leave and get out, but I worry about how that will affect him. He'll feel blindsided and hurt and that guilt consumes me. He once accused me of being a sociopath but if I was then how would I feel so guilty about this? I feel like I enabled him too much and now the only way to stand up for myself is to get away.

This is so hard for me and this site has helped give me tools but I definitely need some support with dealing with the guilt. Is it time for me to stop shielding this issue from my friends? I just don't know what to do here but I want to be free and have peace.

[1footouttadefog]

You can start by working on yourself now even if you cannot leave.  Give yourself holistic self care.

Lean on your friends, not by trauma dumping every little. Detail, but by asking for ideas and for their input and by just going out and socializing.

If you feel unsafe leave now not later. 

In the mean time sleeping and eating well and doing stress relieving activity will prepare you for thinking through options and having clarity about what to do. Take time to get the information you need and learn how to protect yourself financially prior to leaving if possible. 

Putting a lock on your credit and having no share accounts and getting rid of joint credit cards etc. 

[MaxedOut]

Probably most of us here relate to how the compromising and shrinking and giving we did was never enough. That's kind of the deal with PD: we can't fill that hole, make that person feel secure, prevent the dysregulation, etc. It's kind of like the Overton Window effect f politics. Acceptable behaviors and what is expected from us musts shifts further and further away from our needs, prior expectations, values, etc. with a "new normal" established but without things improving because we let that window shift.

Don't pay the sociopath label any mind. My ex called me that several times, and her sibling, and several friends - it's just the distorted thinking and emotions.

What helped me was creating a safety plan (several exit plans in fact, including leaving or being kicked out suddenly and more deliberate separation). I reconnected with people who are important to me (in some cases more by text or such rather than risk the ire of my ex) to help rebuild my support network.

I did disclose some things to a few more folks but mostly saved that for my therapist-but I did think about what sort of things felt most supportive from different loved ones to intentionally develop that.

I worked through factors that kept me feeling stuck with my therapist until they no longer felt like they were blocking me from the possibility of leaving (things like that guilt you mention).

As 1foot mentions, if you feel unsafe, leaving now is better than delaying. I'll add whatever unpleasant stuff will happen will happen either way, so you could be rebuilding your new life in six months or worrying about his reaction if you leave six years from now because of fear about that transition.

And it can be hard to do things that feel against who we are and how we do things in healthy relationships when we are in unhealthy ones and being harmed. From your description, he is the one who "ruined" the relationship. He has been controlling, used you, caused you to shrink, wants you isolated, makes unreasonable demands, and has you feeling unsafe.

You have every right in the world to leave, with or without explanation, regardless of what that means for him.

Being more open with friends and family can really help - especially for emergency planning (I ferreted key documents and some other stuff over to a friends house, had emergency code words set up with in-laws, etc.). Do you have a therapist? (Behavioral health has much better insurance coverage in the US from ACA.)