New Here and Struggling

[GlorifiedCADMonkey]

Hi all,

I found this community after searching for a safe space to share how trapped, exhausted, and alone I've been feeling.

I'm a man in my mid-thirties with late-diagnosed ADHD, married to a partner with several mental health conditions. For years, I believed my primary role was to step in and handle all of her needs, but I have hit a point of complete burnout.

Right now, I'm struggling with a severe double standard in our home: my struggles with executive function are frequently treated as character flaws or personal failures, while her attitudes and behavior are consistently excused by her diagnoses.

Whenever I try to bring up this unhealthy dynamic or express that I'm hurting, the conversation gets turned back on me. I am frequently reminded of past mistakes I made years ago during a dark period in our relationship, framing all of our current issues as entirely my fault.

Over time, this constant weaponization of my past has completely desensitized me to it. I no longer feel active guilt when it's brought up—instead, I just feel numb. I've come to realize that as soon as those past mistakes are invoked, the goal isn't resolution; it's control. Everything beyond that point becomes moot, and I realize I might as well stop talking.

I feel completely locked in a loop of obligation and forced silence. I'm mostly posting to introduce myself and connect with others who have navigated similar double standards or learned how to handle conversations that are designed to shut them down.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @GlorifiedCADMonkey,


I frequently dealt with a similar dynamic- where any diagnosis becomes a mean to avoid accountability it is very frustrating indeed.  i lived it growing up with the addictions of my parents, I dated it with my ex and now I try to move forward from that place where I was raised to be a caretaker and have zero needs of my own. 

Is your spouse seeing someone professionally to help them with their struggles?  perhaps that medical professional can refer you to talk to a neutral party to get some feedback or at least to help relieve the stress you are dealing with on the day to day basis.

we have several boards for people dealing with PD/uPD in a relationship with a spouse or significant other- you can post on all/any of the boards we only ask you don't make duplicate posts- i'm not sure which one will help you more - but I do know that a theme for both boards is the frustration felt with being the 'one' responsible for everything within the relationship

Comitted to Working On It

Separating and Divorcing

when you are ready to share more, we're listening- until then please be kind to yourself.