Unexpected but not surprising (TRIGGER WARNING: ATTEMPTED S.)

[Associate of Daniel]

A couple of days ago my ds19's uNPD smother attempted to take her life.

At least, that's what his uNPD father told ds. His father and smother are separated. He (ex) is an habitual liar so I'm not sure what to believe.

It never occurred to me that this might happen.  She comes across as very forthright and in control, so this is a little surprising.

However, I'm struggling to not be cynical.  If it's true, she may well have done it to garner attention and adulation.  That is her constant need.  I'm no longer a source of supply and possibly her husband (my ex) has turned against her.  She's also burned many, many bridges through the years.

If I am right, I am furious.  How dare she do that to my son?  Or to anyone, for that matter.

Anyway, I'd value advice on how to help my ds with this.  He was initially a bit all over the place emotionally when he heard and since then, he's unsure of what to do.  Does he contact her?  If so what does he say?  Does he try to get more info from his Dad?  (His Dad did tell him he would ring yesterday but has not done so.)

I've been encouraging him to contact one or both of them but he is reluctant to do so.  I don't blame him.  Like everyone in such a situation, he's out of his depth.

I'm training to be a counsellor, so I'm a little conflicted.  I understand what might be helpful or appropriate for the patient but I have my child to protect, as well as my own mental health to protect.

Anyway, thoughts?

AOD 

[square]

Hi AOD,

Yeah, that's very shocking.

I'm not clear if DS is NC with smother or if he is in contact. I'm guessing it's very low or no contact if he hasn't heard anything from her and is reluctant to contact her.

I definitely would avoid seeking any information from ex (either you or DS). Ex will be managing that information to his benefit, whether it's an exaggeration or twisting of something said or done or selective omission of certain facts or outright bald faced lies. Muddier waters won't help anyone.

I think that since your son doesn't want to contact anyone, that's exactly how it should be.

As for what you say to your son, my ideas are:

1 - We don't know what happened and we'll wait and see. Not that his mind will instantly go to ease at this but the fact is that you guys don't know anything so there's no point in "buying trouble."

2 - Whatever happened is not something DS can help with. If he does at some point talk to smother, he can wish her well and express his concern but he can't help her. He's an 18 year old boy/man. This is for the professionals. If he is asked to do something he can say no (or at least "I'll think about it" or another time-buying answer). If ex or smother imply some sort of blame, he should know right now that it's absolutely preposterous to suggest an 18 year old boy/man could help something rather than the professionals and experienced adults.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you for your excellent reply, Square.

Ds is in contact with his smother (I really should stope writing her title as such!).  They have a reasonable relationship.

He still hasn't heard from his dad, despite being told he would ring a few days ago.

Things are basically at a stand still.

I have eluded to the fact that her choice has nothing to do with ds.

Anyway, he's very flat and tired. It's not helped by the fact that he cannot get a job.   (Don't get me started on the AI wall for entry level jobs!)

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

Ds19 saw his uNPD father a few nights ago.  He came home emotionally wrung out, saying his dad is "different".  He's been unwilling to explain or describe it any further.

Apparently smother has been out of hospital and is waiting to hear if she can go into another hospital, I assume for inpatient care.  I don't know if it will be a day thing or weeks.  Either way, I guess her condition is serious.

I'm very concerned for his dad, but particularly for ds.  I suspect both his father and smother are in bad mental health.  That's not easy for a child to see, regardless of their age.

I'm at a loss as to how to help my boy.  As his mum it hurts to see him hurting. But I can't say much because my relationship with his father and smother is not good and never has been.  He has a very different relationship with them and I don't want to influence him from my perspective.  Then there's the "counsellor" in me.   (I'm studying a Diploma of counselling). It's hard not to put on my "counsellor" hat and try to "therapise" my own son! 

He's not opening up anyway and he refuses to talk to anyone about the situation, counsellor or even friend.

My poor boy.

AOD

[hhaw]

AOD
Your son might open up to a therapist.....it could still happen.

In the meantime, be the calm, consistent parent you've always been.

Even if it's not ok..... it'll be ok.