Part 2: Should I stay or should I go? (Partner with BPD)

[seatseperate1917]

Hi everyone, I posted on this forum not too long ago and I basically talked about how I moved my partner with BPD to be with me and how they refuse treatment (they said that therapy is stupid, they don't need it and not everyone needs it and that I am sterotyping everyone with BPD but saying she needs it etc), meanwhile their abusive actions have been worse..
She has physicaly kept me from leaving and pushed me away from the door, when I tried to get out and threatened to call the cops she accused me of being abusive. She told me to get over the fact that she talked about my dead mom and friend and to get over her physically harming me. She called me a terrible person, and blamed me for her actions because I make her feel unwanted and that is why she blows up, she said if she committed suicide it would be my fault and how I drain the life out of her.
She has since apologized but she still focuses on her feelings regarding that event and doesn't ask me how I feel, she told me that she wants to try without therapy first and then try with therapy if it doesn't work, I told her if another incidient happens again I am leaving and not waiting for her to try therapy.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless and I am tired of feeling this way.

[Deborah]

It's easier to say when it's about others...I am still not leaving my family after decades. But there is physical and emotional abuse. She refuses to reflect and seek help. It makes you feel horrible and hopeless.

That means leaving is the only sane option.

I would suggest you think about how to leave (do you expect safety issues when you leave?). Then leave. Then rest. Then seek help for yourself: what made you select this partner and stay? What is your role in the situation? That doesn't mean you are responsible for abuse against you. But rather you are responsible for not making the same choice next time. And for recovering. You can find hope again - but I suggest you find it outside of this situation.

[blunk]

First and Foremost, you are NEVER responsible for someone else's decision to self-harm.

PDs are masters at blame shifting and manipulation. They rely on the fact that we are good people who don't intentionally hurt others, and would feel guilty if something happened to them that was "our fault".

My BPDxh made similar statements after threatening to smash and burn the house to gain access to the weapon safe. He did not go through with it, and in a lot of cases the threat itself is a manipulation. Not to say that you shouldn't take it seriously. What I found helpful was informing him that if he made such statements I would phone the police to ask for a wellness check.

I'm sorry you are suffering this type of abuse, you deserve better.