Dad died...

[gently_does_it]

I knew it was coming, because he had told me he was dying from cancer, but still couldn't believe it when l first received the  phone call, in the early hours of what should have been a brand new start to another great year.
My dad died on New year's Day, peacefully my sister had said. She asked me how l was feeling and l lied, said l was just fine.

My dad started to change in the early 1980's, to slowly become someone else with his cruel remarks, leaving behind their stinging echoes.
I always imagined my once loving dad, as fading footprints in the sand as the emotional charged incoming waves ,slowly made him disappear forever.

He just got more abusive towards me, forever finding fault when there wasn't any.
My Mum would often join in and they would become this double act of picking on me. 
She was always blaming me because my Mum couldn't get a bigger house or a better car, despite the obvious fact it was her drinking away my Dad's money, which meant my Dad couldn't afford to buy a new house even if he tried to.
She passed away 14 years ago due to numerous strokes caused by her constant drinking habit.


My sister inherited everything, big house, his beloved cars, his money.
l wasn't even mentioned in his will, but not surprised because he pushed me a little too far once. l exploded outward for the first time ever.
He cowered away from me, his bullying ways diminished fast and he cried like a little boy.
I didn't feel very proud of what l had done and so l tried to hug my dad, but he pulled away.

Ironic that the thing I've always wanted him to show me,  was something he couldn't ever do, which was to love and accept me as his son.

I blocked my sister, she had a different childhood to the hell l grew up in.
She was loved forever and groomed by my dad to not believe a word her brother might say to her.
She changed too, fast became a total stranger once his evil money took hold of her.

I simply walked away...

[Associate of Daniel]

It seems strange to say "sorry for your loss" when sometimes the person you're saying it to is not sorry for their loss.  I'm not sure where you're at regarding that sentiment when it comes to your father dying, gently_does_it, but I'm sincere when I say it to you.  Your grief is real and complicated.  And the loss is not just of your father but of what could/should/would have been.

I'm sorry for all you've endured and for the lifelong consequences.  I do wish you well.  And do return to the boards here whenever you need.

AOD