Saying stupid things when panicking

[Deborah]

There is something I hate myself for. But I do not know how to stop.

I am normally calm and kind. Even in bad situations, like confronting my childhood sexual abuser. Or dealing with violence in my neighbourhood. I still stay calm and kind.

But my nuclear family...my dad and brothers...what they do is so hurtful, that I am a radically different person with them. They push my buttons. I panic. I lash out. I freeze. I am mean. Or if people defend them, I start to talk fast and panicky. Telling them angrily how abusive they are. When it is better to shut up.

I just do not know how to keep my peace. I know in every other situation. Even severe abuse. But not with my nuclear family. Their hatred and lies...and what they do with my child...it is so huge. That I am not myself when I'm connected to them.

They will also trigger this on purpose. E.g. right at the start of an important talk, dad would make a sneaky below the belt remark.

This is huge self-sabotage. It is a reason I am in this situation now. It makes me feel like a horrible person too. The bible says do not repay evil with evil. Love your enemies. Bless who persecutes you. Look first at the log in your own eye. Put burning coals on their head by being kind.

And I'd love to be calm and kind....it fits my faith and character... but I do not know how. My panic-brain takes over and I act stupid. As soon as my family...or a talk about my family with someone defending them... or a memory of my family...comes up.

I know the theory of no-fighting-evil-with-evil. And all the reasons. And I do not know how. The pain is too big to always control it. How do you leave it with God?

[Deborah]

With being mean, I meam yellimg he is an abuser and driving me insane and please stop. Or things like that.

[1footouttadefog]

I am not sure we are required to endure abuse.

Perhaps you could limit the amount of time you spend with your nuclear family.  Perhaps control the conditions as well. 

Example, making sore there is a time limit or an exit available.  This way of you find they are mean you can leave. 

This would require having your own transportation.  If they love out of town, you might be sore to spring for a hotel to limit exposure



The idea of putting people on an information diet comes to mind.  That is when you are careful not to give them ammunition to throw back on you.  Keep conversations light and superficial.

[Adria]

Deborah,

Nuclear family is so hard.  They know everything about you, so can easily push your buttons and trigger you.  They love getting a reaction from us and making us look like the crazy ones whenever they can. 

If you have to be with them and you can see that they are ramping things up again, just turn on your heals and simply walk out.  Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself.  They love that. Same thing when people ask you about your family or make a remark about the situation. Turn and walk away. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why things are the way they are. People don't poke to understand, they poke to get a reaction.

Don't beat yourself up for how you handled these things in the past.  Those are natural reactions. However, rethink your strategy, keep your dignity, and simply walk away and leave them to themselves. That will deflate them quicker than anything.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Honestly, Deborah, I think it's just fine to be angry here. How dare your father deliberately set you off, and then turn around and say, "Wow, look at Deborah I told you all she was unstable!" And yet my father did the same. And so many malignant narcissists have done. And back and back, since passing the blame that truly belongs to themselves all the way back to Adam and Eve as far as I can tell. Well that stops now. The game is up. You know exactly what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. Being angry can help you to stop giving him exactly what he wants.

If you need to "keep sweet" (ugh that phrase) to protect your son with CPS, so be it. You can play the game. You can win. You see the hurdles for what they are and that can only help you jump them.

You have your goals: Love your son. Help him grow up well. Get to thriving in your own life. Your father, well he too has his own goals. Your achieving your goals is a hit to his. He has decided you are enemies, while presenting to the world that he is this good person. That disconnect makes it so hard, but you know the truth. Live in the truth.

Your father is a snake in the grass trying to trip you up. Your son is a teenager, so you are more than halfway through that race with CPS shenanigans.

I could write more but that will have to do for now. The things you are yelling are the truth. But it doesn't serve you in this situation. And it's letting him believe he's winning so it only invites him to do it more. Bullies do what they do just to hear their victims hurting. If you decide you are no longer giving him that satisfaction. He may double down at first, but there comes a point for many of us children of bully parents where we are just done with it, and in my experience it was my anger that got me through to the other side. There's a shift from the reactive anger to the hard, cold, determined, righteous anger. That's what I'm trying to get at.