NPD relative wants to reconnect….

[Kaz1956]

My husband has an uNPD cousin (aged now 70), formerly quite close to us. Three years ago and I'll spare the tedious nitty gritty, he had a grievance with us.

He was going through a grief period and according to him, we failed in our efforts to support him. The reality was that our efforts were heroic and unappreciated, but in the end, the relentless toxic venting, self absorption, manipulation and much more, meant we asked gently for some boundaries...

Escalating narcissist range ensued. The whole works; the propaganda campaign, playing the victim, lies, distortions, rewriting history, scapegoating me, trying to triangulate my husband against me etc. It was extremely traumatic at the time given I'm cast in the role of scapegoat.

Eventually when our boundaries couldn't be demolished, he staged an ambush where he announced that our relationship was over. Hooray !!

Now several years later, he's sent a letter to my husband. I'm pointedly excluded. The content is a high moral ground mission statement about how he's a transformed person, he is now patient and kind, has many new friends and he wanted to share this with my husband  In short, still all about him. He says he wants my husband to know him.

We both this he's hoovering us while still attempting triangulation. Our inclination was to ignore it. It's tricky, he's a family member after all. My husband sent a gray rock text reply. I thought in for a penny, in for a pound. I sent a reply addressing the period of three years go and the traumas he subjected us to.

I know, preserving your peace through NC would have been wiser but it was good to hold a mirror up to his behaviour and the damage it caused. There is no possible reconciliation anyway.

It's triggered me though, just to have him feel that it's ok to insert himself into our lives again and the high moral tone irked me. The feelings of three years ago have resurfaced and I'm dealing with a return of anger, frustration and I have to admit it, feelings of loathing and anxiety. I come from a family with several NPD family members so I'm no stranger to NPD behaviours and their fall out. I'm NC with most of my family as a result.

Would you feel justified in asking him not to contact us again. We're not getting into a dialogue with him but I really don't want to have to deal with this toxic person ever again.

[Rebel13]

Hi Kaz1956,

I've been giving myself a lot of leeway lately with what I am calling "voluntary associations" like friends and relatives -- that I only have to spend time with them or be in touch with them if *I* want to, if it makes my life better. (This is in contrast to people like coworkers etc. whom it can be harder to get away from.)

In that light, I think you would be completely justified in handling this person however feels best to you. It sounds like your husband might or might not be on the same page with you, so you might make different decisions and you might have to create some boundaries for yourself to let his relationship with his cousin belong to him. (I remember the original story and that this relative's behavior was really over the top and outrageous.)

I will say, however, that these people tend to do pretty much what they want -- case in point, the cousin sending you this obnoxious letter out of the blue, full of self-justification and meanness. So just because you "ask" him not to contact you is no guarantee he won't, or that he won't ramp up the drama in the face of the request, or of the message you have already sent regarding his past behavior.

So again, boundaries. Just because he writes to you does not mean you have to read his letter; if he calls, you do not have to listen to the voicemails, etc. You get to protect your peace of mind in the way that makes most sense to you.

Wishing you the best.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Your feelings make perfect sense in the circumstances! I too am a scapegoat child of two PD parents, and NC with my entire family. My tolerance level for PD BS like you're experiencing from this cousin is practically zero.

If it was right for you to stand up for yourself, that's fine, but I have to think that you were given a get out of jail free card by being excluded from that letter. The cousin didn't want to engage with you. For his own reasons, sure, but your husband sent a grey rock reply, you said what you needed to, and I agree with you that I would be in the camp of not wanting to deal with this person ever again. If that's what you want, makes sense and that's your right. I glanced back at your backstory too and yep, no thank you. It's up to you to protect your boundaries and therefore your peace. Best wishes to you.

[Deborah]

I absolutely think it is warranted to ask not to be contacted. Politely. But strictly. There is no reason to be in contact with this person. And plenty not to.

For me the only reason to reconnect in such a case, is when there is a genuine insight in what happened. And a sorry. Which is the first signal of genuine change. Which doesn't seem to be the case. I see no reason not to politely hold this off.

[Adria]

I probably wouldn't ask him to not contact you because he might like it.  At least he's getting your attention whether good or bad.  I would probably just disengage, disappear,  and block.  Don't read or acknowledge anything from him as it seems just hearing from him triggers you. Not worth it. Let your dh deal with him. You don't have to.  Keep your peace.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Kaz,
I am sorry this person is still causing disruption and stress to you and your family. I would not contact him to say 'don't contact us' because he probably won't respect it and he will see it as an opportunity to engage further with you, but I would block him on all means of communication and would put letters in the bin.

It's absolutely normal that feelings got stirred for you. I am sorry. I hope your consistency in disengagement will discourage him from attempting further communication.