Moms having a grand time

Sojourner17 · August 17, 2026, 10:35:35 PM

I've been keeping pretty well to only calling my mom every two weeks other than choosing to call her on the 1 year anniversary of my dad passing away. I do text back if she texts me inbetween those calls but keep it short and to the point.

About a week ago (inbetween calls) she texted asking what I would think if she and my niece came out to see us and that she was mostly thinking outloud as she wants to come see us but really dreads driving in the mountains. I had a few moments of panic but talked to my husband about it. He suggested asking questions regarding when she was thinking to come and reiterating that our schedule is really busy (quite true.... This time of year is my busy season for work). She said she had my niece for a couple weeks but she wasn't sure if she was comfortable driving here. I showed my husband and he said it was a statement so I didn't need to respond.
So I didn't. I don't know why but it felt so hard to just leave it be. She didn't text anything more.

When talking with my husband about it he said he really didn't think she would actually come. All I could think was that I had set aside two dates to do some hiking and camping and guarded them against filling in with cleaning (i clean Airbnbs in a vacation town) and I really didn't want to give my only days off up.

FFW to this week. My best friends dad passed away and she forwarded me the obituary. I figured I should pass it on to my mom as she knows my friend as we've been friends for 30 or so years. I just got a "thanks" in return. $:-\$

My first instinct/gut reaction was ugh, she's mad, I'm going to get an earful when I call in a couple days.

Needless to say it was a bit of a bundle of nerves type scenario before I called her. I asked my husband to help me walk through what to do if her wanting to visit came up. He said to not worry about it as it might not even happen. He was right... it didn't.

My mom talked about how she has three close friends that she's connected with at her new condo. They've really accepted her and she feels part of the group, she's going to a seniors center 3x a week for excercise class, she's thinking of taking pottery, she's been out to my extended family's cabin, she's going pontoon boating with her cousins, etc. at one point I asked about my aunt as a few weeks back mom said she wasn't feeling well. I forgot that last time she told me she said it's partly because my aunts mother is being aweful and causing stress.

Well, asking about my aunt again opened the door for mom to talk about how horrible the mother is etc. I quickly got out of that line of conversation.

Now, here's where I'm struggling a bit. I'm feeling conflicted feelings about how things are going for my mom. 1) I had geared myself up for a possible problematic conversation....that didn't happen. 2) I'm happy my mom is fitting in/being so active, spending so much time with her extended family and at the same time it's creating feelings of grief and sadness. I have 4 cousins and a relationship with none of them. I have 2 sisters, and the relationship is strained at best leaning more toward non existence. I have 7 nieces and nephews but no connection to them. I don't even know how to rebuild the relationship as there is no trust and pretty much no similarities when it comes to lifestyles.
Right now it seems like there is no justice for me and it's painful to see it.

I'm greatful for the mountain buffer regarding visits but sad that it is that way at the same time.
I'm trying to process it all and see the silver lining in it all but it's pretty hard at the moment. I don't want to let a bitter root sink in.

Sojourner17 · August 17, 2026, 10:42:23 PM

Yes, I'm replying to myself.

I just had the thought that mom is in the honeymoon stage at her new condo. There are so many possibilities and the future seems wide open with things to do, people to see and meet etc. I need to keep that in mind in all of this.

NarcKiddo · August 18, 2026, 05:30:43 AM

I'm afraid I don't recall what the main issues for you with your Mom are, so I am going to reply from my point of view, given I have a uNPD mother with whom I am in frequent contact, but low in terms of my constant grey rocking.

This is the kind of thing my mother would do. Threaten a visit and see what the reaction is. If I do not immediately welcome the plan with all due pomp and circumstance she will either push the issue to force a visit or will do a discard, as yours seems to have done, to put me in my place. I am familiar with the conflicting feelings of relief that I have dodged a bullet if she does a discard and pain at the discard (which I never understand as she is actually the last person I want to spend time with

)

As for the honeymoon stage at the condo - I think it is likely that. My mother has loads of superficial charm and makes friends easily. She makes sure I know about it. She also likes to parade me in front of friends if I give her a chance so she can show off to them about what a wonderful family she has. My mother's friendships do not tend to stand the test of time, unless they are very old friendships where they live far away and only see each other once a year maximum. Anything closer and they eventually drift away. I think as she is getting older she is being a bit more careful around her local friends because she wants them to do errands for her since I mostly will not. Again, I understand and resonate with the unfair feelings that your mother gets to have all these friends and her family activity. There will be a lot of grace given to her because she is getting older and your father passed away. That may or may not last depending on how she behaves ongoing. It is sad that you do not have good relationships with your extended family - but it sounds like you have a sound reason for that. If there is no trust you are better staying away.

Sojourner17 · August 18, 2026, 12:12:49 PM

Thanks for the reply Narc Kiddo. I think I've been on the forum for around 8 or so years. I was much more active at the beginning when I was first learning about what I was experiencing. Now I'm kind of only sporadically on.

I've been thinking and reflecting lately on what I'm experiencing now with my mom. Pretty much my whole adult life my mom would question me on if I made new friends, if I mentioned someone she would ask if they were someone I could get closer to, if I considered them my best friend, asking if coworkers I mentioned were potential close friends, and so on. I always found the questioning super uncomfortable. Then at the same time if I wanted to go to an event that fell on say a holiday or on a day where I had intended to go home for a visit then the questions would turn toward flipping the script as in why is spending time with friends more important than your family?
Now that I live far away she still asks these types of questions. I have friends. The relationships seem normal and comfortable to me. And yet there is always the questions such as "do you consider so and so your best friend? Would you say this is someone you could get close to? Do you think so and so could become your friend? It's confusing and off putting to me. Like the other person is an object to consume or take over or something. I don't even know how to confront these questions that seem really weird to me.

Back to the family part. My mom has quite a few cousins and I'm happy she is reconnecting with them. The more she reconnects the more I feel like a trap is being set for me. I feel dread but can't quite put a finger on why?

Sometimes it seems as if I'm living the movie "mean girls". It's like the more popular mom is, the meaner things seem. Does that make sense?

It's not all about me but as I'm writing this it seems like all I care about is me. There really isn't the words to fully describe how this feels. I'm not special or unique, my situation isn't special or unique. I just wish I could find some resolution.

Rebel13 · August 18, 2026, 06:28:27 PM

Hi Sojourner, I completely understand why this situation would make you feel creeped out and uncomfortable! Here's my take:

1) I agree with NarcKiddo that your mom brought up potentially visiting you as a way to get narcissistic supply. She might or might not have ever intended to really visit. But, in her mind, you were supposed to be overjoyed at the idea, shout "Hooray" and, when she mentioned being uncomfortable driving, you were then supposed to offer to drive to wherever and pick her up, or otherwise inconvenience yourself to solve her "problem" and make her wish come true. All of this to prove how important she is to you.

You did not do that -- very wisely! Instead, you protected yourself, your plans, your time and energy, with the help and insight of your husband. But on some level, you knew you were not doing what you were "supposed" to do, and that's where your weird feelings were coming from and why you anticipated some kind of drama.

2) Because you did not do what you were "supposed" to do, I think your mom is not so much "discarding" you as trying to punish you for not making her feel central to your life. So you are being treated to the fairy tale of how great her life is, how many people love her, yadda yadda, "see, Sojourner, I don't need you at all and in fact you are terrible compared to all these other people in my life." Of course that makes you feel awful! But because you think she's sharing her fabulous life out of joy (like a normal person would) instead of purposely trying to make you feel bad, you feel even *worse* for not being glad for her about all the good things happening for her!!!!

It's such a mindf*ck. I'm so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve to feel bad. The more detachment you can get from her shenanigans, the more peace of mind you will have, I think.

I'm sorry if some/all of this doesn't apply to you or your situation. I have had two particularly intense therapy sessions over the past week where I have gotten unusual clarity of insight into these dynamics with my own parents and how it has warped my emotions, thinking patterns, relationships, and understanding of reality! So I'm kind of worked up and mad about how unfair their behavior and its effects are for us.

Wishing you all the best.

Sojourner17 · August 18, 2026, 10:40:46 PM

Thanks Rebel, there are definitely helpful points in what you wrote.
It really sends my mind spinning but at the same time I am glad that I let it lie because for a bit my mind did go into problem solving mode which was my role for a number of years. It was uncomfortable but I let silence "speak" and so I'm grateful for progress within myself if nothing else.

walking on broken glass · August 22, 2026, 03:42:36 AM

Hi Sojourner,

Both Rebel and Narckiddo made excellent points. I wanted to add something regarding your mum's questions about your friendships. People like your mum do not understand close, intimate relationships with people. They crave them but they could never have them because of their emotional immaturity and self centredness. So her questions arise partly from a genuine sense of puzzlement and wonder (what is this alien thing that Sojourner has and I don't?) and partly from envy and resentment (why is Sojourner able to have this and I don't? And why does she have it with other people and not me?).

We are so accustomed to reading the subtext and intuitively know what our parents really mean when they say something seemingly innocuous. Your ability to read under the surface gives you these uncomfortable feelings. It is a protective mechanism - you are preparing and bracing yourself for the sinister thing that may come - but it can also wreak havoc on your nervous system because there is a mismatch between what's on the surface and what you feel is happening. On the outside, your mum is forming new friendships and being happy, and sharing this with you. But in reality, she is putting on a performance, which is meant to make you feel guilty, inferior, and ashamed. You pick on this and now you are both experiencing these feelings despite not wanting to, and you are very reasonably frustrated that your mum is doing this to you. Why can't she just be uncomplicatedly happy? It's all so familiar, unfortunately.

You say 'It's not all about me but as I'm writing this it seems like all I care about is me.'

Of course it's about you and you have every right to make it about you. Please don't apologize for it!

I hope you can set aside all this madness and unpleasantness and enjoy the breaks that you have planned from your work.

Call Me Cordelia · August 22, 2026, 06:53:53 AM

You've gotten some really great feedback. I think the performance analysis and seeking narc supply by seeing if you would take the bait of a visit is spot on. You're savvy to your mother's ways.

My mom pulled similar shenanigans. Can't possibly come visit us because we live SO FAR AWAY (over an hour). But let me tell you all about how everybody loves me up in your hometown you refused to move back to especially this child the same age as your son who thinks the world of me and how we took time off to visit these other people who live a similar distance as you do

I believe the intention was to leave me with my nose pressed against the glass feeling left out. And to step up my supply supplying. I feel really sure your mother's motives are similar. You have tight boundaries after a long time NC as I recall, and you would still be NC but for the death of your father. She's got some nerve showing off to you. Does she not realize that you very well may conclude she doesn't need you, talking to her is miserable anyway, and give it up? Narcs shoot themselves in the foot when their tactics stop having the desired effects and yet they double down on them. I think anger is your friend in this situation. She's creating a drama to get you back into how you were trained to be. And you already know how that story goes. No thank you!

Sojourner17 · August 29, 2026, 12:03:57 PM

WOBG and CMC, thank you both! First of all I immensely enjoyed the day hike we did with friends last weekend. It's truly wilderness up there and while there were other groups coming and going you can't escape the fact and feeling that you are in the middle of know where with the mountain peaks stretching as far as you can see in every direction. We came out exhausted and yet energized, happy and contented. As I told my friend, this hike is a lot like giving birth, it's progressively more difficult and at moments you feel like giving up and like you can't do it but you press on because the only option is to get through to the other side. Then once it's all done you are filled with happiness and gratitude and only remember the epic views and beautiful parts of the whole experience.

Today is the day I call mom again. I haven't heard a peep from her since the last call. I'm going to keep it light and airy. I'm not sure if I will tell her about our hike or not. I'm leaning toward not at this point.

CMC, it's interesting, when we lived 2 hrs away she used to talk about how she didn't like driving, didn't want to make the drive to the city without my dad,didn't want to leave my ,then teenage, sister at home and come to see me without her and so on. She's made the drive from her new home to my hometown several times since she moved and has also driven to my uncles cabin. It's just 1/2 hr closer than what it would have taken to come to visit me where I used to live. It's interesting how now it can be done where before it couldn't.

It really makes a person think about how thoughts can be so limiting. How a persons beliefs and what a person says to themselves can be debilitating. How those things can make or break relationships.

I'm dealing with my own set of limiting thoughts and beliefs at the moment. It's definitely something that is holding me back but I'm working through it because I'm seeing how it could affect my family, my husband, my sons, and myself from having a more fulfilling life and relationships.

I'm not really sure how to put in words the disconnect and incongruence regarding my mom I'm noticing but it's there.