So broken.

[aBroKenDad]

After nearly thirty years of marriage, 4 adult children, a grandchild, my wife picked a fight, left, cut all contact, smeared me on social media, rebounded with a convicted felon and moved hundreds of miles away to live with him.

I've learned a bit and I have suspicions of a disorder. I hope im in the right place.

Its been about 2-3 months.

Hi, how are all of you?

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group- @aBroKenDad - i'm glad you found us.

I know with my ex it was harder for me to understand that his behaviors were both disordered and abusive, because my mother is undiagnosed- so his treatment seemed 'normal' to me and it took me a good couple of years post break up to  learn how enmeshment. 

one of the key things I learned is I will never know for sure if either my ex or my mother has a PD, all I can do is control *if* I respond to them and limit how much interaction I have with someone who is so disrespectful to me.

so, in your situation, the ball's in your court and you get to make some decisions about how involved you want to be with your wife's new chapter-  with grandkids involved that may be hard but it can be done- a lot of that will depend on your relationship with your kids.  what may be hard to be a bystander by is what level of involvement your kids still have with her- and I imagine you are concerned about her BF being around your grandkids.

when you are ready to share more. let us know how we can support you best- we have areas for both trying to remain/ mend relationships as well as for supporting people through separation and divorce.

until then be gentle with yourself.  it's a lot to unpack

[aBroKenDad]

It has made a mess of me.

Our kids have been avoiding her, she moved far away very quickly. They have told her her boyfriend is not allowed to visit. She cant see our grandchild untill she gets professional help.

It breaks my heart, his first birthday is very soon and she is going to miss it.

I've made every mistake and bad decision possible concerning my wife and the current situation. Its like I've stopped being me.

I would offer there has to be PD, its the only way any of this makes sense.

[xredshoesx]

i'm glad your kiddos and the grandbaby have you. 

I was basically raised to be both my mother's doormat and keeper so falling into the 'fixer' role with my adult relationships was natural.  I was literally the poster child for what is now called the PICK ME girl.   

have you considered talking to someone just for yourself?  I was able to get free/low cost therapy through a program with my local university.... and it was LIFE CHANGING and the key to me untangling the threads that still had my mother's voice in my head as a 30 year old adult....despite being NC for many years....  other folks here have gotten support in their faith communities because as you describe- when it happens and it hits that your life has been an entire lie and the other person just ups and leaves to continue a new lie somewhere else with someone else- it HURTS and as a parent of adult kids, you are trying to help your kids heal too-  *also glad they are putting boundaries in place by choosing to not expose your grandkiddo to the chaos-making.

regardless just tell yourself NOTHING you could have done/said over the relationship caused your wife to make these choices- and NOTHING you do now is gonna fix her or make her better.  you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this- she is the only one who can seek treatment to get better.