Resuming contact for 1 day

[mary_poppins]

Hi all. How are you guys doing? I've been so busy with work. I started liking my work more and more and so I have been taken extra shifts and I liked keeping busy.
However, I have taken my annual leave and from Wednesday I'll be in my country for a short while. During that time I need to resume contact with my family because I need to pay back a small loan I got from them (my family never gave me money out of their kindness of their heart but always 'loans' like a bank).
I don't want to do this but it's their money and I want to give it back. I'll probably be giving it to my brother who will of course update me on everyone in the family while telling me what a bad daughter I am (he always does this as if he is the morality police, lol).

Anyway, life is good because I have time off work and I am travelling but am also quite nervous about seeing my brother and letting that door open again.
Do you have any advice on how to conduct myself or how to see this situation in a positive light?

If you did the same (resumed contact for a short while), how did it go for you and did it work to go no contact again after a short period of contact?

Cheers

[Pinkos]

Can you take a friend with you? If not,
Does it have to be in person? If so,
Is there a way to drop it off to him at work or something where he's time restricted?

If it has to be in person, just you and him, and a meet up, I would just grin and bear it I suppose. If you can limit the time spent that would be ideal.

I have tried low contact and was even recently contacted by an flying monkey and in all these instances I found myself more negatively impacted by the encounter than I thought I would be. Even though I've been NC for a decade at this point (with intermittent efforts at low contact via phone. But I don't want to catastrophize for you. I believe it really depends on where you are emotionally at the time and what other support is available to you. 

I also think sometimes we just have to feel the crappy feelings they bring up and just move through it. No matter what though, you'll get through it and you'll be OK. 

[mary_poppins]

Hi Pinkos.

Thanks for answering. I have not slept for 2 nights knowing I have to fly back to my country and meet my brother. Honestly, it feels like I'd be going back to hell. But you gave me some hope. Maybe I could just stay with him for 5 minutes and then leave. Or send the money through the mail.

I don't have friends anymore in my country. They were either antagonized by my family or left the country themselves for greener pastures. It would be ideal to do this with someone because, from what I remember m brother likes to make an impression and wouldnt unload on me if I was accompanied by someone. (I suspect him being a narcissist as well) I keep having nightmares at night because of this. 

Wish me luck and thanks again

[Rebel13]

Hi mary_poppins!  I'm SO HAPPY to hear your update that work is going well and you are busy and enjoying life! I also read in the other thread that you're feeling comfortable in your new country and that's great to hear.

It is super brave and honorable of you to repay the money to your family. Many people would not do this, especially given what you've been through with them. Pinkos has some great ideas and I fully agree that you don't HAVE to see them if there's another way to manage the transaction.

A few years ago, I had to see someone who, about a month before, had behaved in a way that sent me into a two-week emotional flashback. I was so nervous about the situation because I didn't know how to act and I was worried I would "lose it" and behave badly, and then feel worse about myself. I found the DBT GIVE skill and it was so helpful to have a structure and specific, concrete examples of how to behave. I especially like the "easy manner" recommendation because it made me think about being relaxed, breathing, not having to control the interaction, and giving myself time to consider how the other person was acting and respond as calmly and generously as I could. The interaction ended up going fine and it was such a relief.

I hope this situation works out well for you, that you can discharge your obligation and walk away back to your new life feeling good about yourself.

[mary_poppins]

Rebel13

Thanks but I didn't text my brother. I tried to avoid doing this all day. I'm too happy, doing interesting things and the last thing I want is to get re-traumatized by talking to him. I know he hates me because he's exactly like my mom. He even told me once that he hates me (who says this to his own sister?)
I still have time to text him and meet him..Gosh, I wish I could hire someone to do this for me..

[footprint33]

Hi Mary Poppins, I think that you should be able to hire someone through a delivery service. Could you send a check as opposed to cash? Cash could also be tricky. I don't know what you're dealing with, but in the cases of both of my brothers, I could imagine them pocketing the cash and then saying I never gave the money back. A check would be way more secure and traceable.

It does not seem like you should spend any time with this brother if you can avoid it. Otherwise, a very short drop-off would be more than appropriate.

I hope that you're able to sleep and that this will be over soon for you.

footprint

[xredshoesx]

@mary_poppins  so glad you hear you are doing well.

i'm in agreement with @footprint33

can you hire someone to drop off a certified check????  signed delivery though the mails???    I see the idea of seeing any of them is upsetting you and as admirable as it is you are paying them back, it shouldn't cost you your peace of mind at the same time.

let us know how it goes we are all rooting for you!