Hello! Is it them or me?

[Foggedallover]

Hello,

Thanks for creating this place, it looks helpful. I'm in a bit of a muddle and unsure at this point about if it's me or my partner thats causing it (or both)

So we've been together 5 years, own a house and have a young baby together. So all good there. But I feel isolated and scared to put myself in new situations or friendship groups for the fear of it not going down well at home. Previously I have felt like I have to justify relationships and ones that are considered positive relationships are given comments like "oh I like that person" and "why don't you hang out with X or Y" while other friends aren't spoken about or if I announce plans with them it feels like it's met coldly. I get scared that something I plan won't get the seal of approval and then I just feel guilty for having asked.

So I avoid the situations and prefer to not get too close with people as I want friendships with others to be my own thing and not positively or negatively viewed by my partner. But then I wonder if perhaps I just don't have the confidence to go into deep connections for a fear of rejection.

I also tend to find this happens with older friends, that if they don't push the friendship and make the effort then I am liable to go quiet on them, mostly because I worry if I try to hard and don't get "enough" back from them that I am just being a nuisance. It feels safer to have something slowly die and blame the passage of time than risk it.

This also occurs with my family, who I am close to and with a stronger bond than she has with hers. Here I feel guilty again and like I should step back from being too close so that we have a more equal relationship with our close family, but I refuse to do this as a family bond is too strong and I know I'll regret allowing that relationship to grow distant.

A key part happened after the birth of our child when my mother was keen to come and stay with us and help with baby. Seeing as we would be new parents and unaware of what that would bring I was keen to make that happen, because I also wanted my Mum to bond with our child.

There were difficult moments in this and I understand living with an in law is hard, especially after giving birth and everything that comes with being a new Mum. My Mum would try hard bringing lots of toys and a positive outlook everyday, but I'd get comments from my partner that I wanted to be a co-parent with my own Mother more than her which I couldn't really fathom - who wants to imagine that! I refused to change though and continued to enjoy time with my Mum and baby which to me is a special thing that I'd want a partner to be supportive of rather than jealous over.

It came to a head when we were going through baby photos a few months after birth and one came up of my Mum feeding baby in the hospital when they were a couple of days old, which had happened to when my partner was recovering on the ward and baby was in the neonatal wing. She was really upset that I'd allowed
my Mum to feed our baby and said it was dangerous and too intrusive. I got angry at this as I didn't think it was a dangerous act and a grandmother and grandchild should be allowed to bond and that as baby's father I was allowed to make some decisions about baby's care independently when only one parent was present, just like she made solo decisions when she was alone with baby, such as having their tongue tie snipped.

I am really confused in all this, as so much is written and spoken about how a new Mum goes through a lot and that we should really make all sorts of allowances for them to feel and say whatever they want to. But then I still feel very hurt that a simple loving act could be taken so badly, and that I don't want to have to second guess future situations. Am I overreacting?

Thanks for reading and for any advice and thoughts

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @Foggedallover,


we are glad you found us.   Being new parents is challenging and depending on your childhood,  your partner's childhood, and the relationship you have with your own parents as well as with your partner's parents.... it can be a difficult path to travel based on both of your past experiences as well as expectations of what child rearing looks like vs what you experienced.

Do you think someone in the mix is a person who may have a personality disorder?  our main function is to help members navigate relationships with people who may either be diagnosed with a form of mental illness or who are not diagnosed, but fit the DSM-V descriptions of a personality disorder-

knowing that information can help us find which section of the forum can help you the best in your situation, which has a lot of moving parts and it's not clear where PD/ uPD may be gumming up the gears.

until then- be well and enjoy that precious baby!