I finally told my daughter . . .

[Adria]

Probably some of you remember that dh and I moved down by our daughter. When we were there, she moved three houses down from us, which I was worried about because of the situation with me and my own family living in close proximity.

My ex-MIL always acted as though my daughter was her daughter and my daughter acted the same toward her.  Two decades ago, exMIL sent my daughter an ad for a job down by her. Daughter was in a precarious situation with a boyfriend and my family was after her, so I told daughter to go.  Probably a big mistake from where things stand now.

We only lasted a couple years by daughter and her family because my daughter was quite cold to us.  Mind you, all dh and I ever heard from ex-MIL and daughter was that they wished we were living by them instead of hours away.  So, during covid, dh was told he could work remote and we took the opportunity to move by the kids and grandkids. For the first time in years, we were so excited to actually live by family.

However, if I walked over to daughter's house (which I only allowed myself to do once every three weeks so I wouldn't encroach on their life), I was met with her opening the door, standing in front of it saying, "What do you want?"  Then my grand daughter did the same thing. I was so dejected and heartbroken, I didn't go over again. Everyone from daughter's church asked why we didn't attend the same church.  I said, I didn't want to butt into their lives too much because we lived a few houses down and wanted to give them their space.  Daughter also, stated that she thought the only reason we moved down, was so she would take care of us. We didn't need taking care of. Just wanted to be by family. When it was my birthday, she didn't acknowledge it because she was too busy with ex-MIL and taking care of her. I never got mother's day cards, but was always told that she went to church with exMIL and had dinner with them because it was mother's day.

Fast forward, we left and went back to where we lived before, stating that dh needed to get back to the office.  We lost a ton of money, and dh should be retired by now, but can't because we also moved a couple times there to try and get some space hoping things would get better, but is was always awkward, so we left.

Now, ex-MIL is ill and so is her husband. We helped out a lot with them when we lived nearby because they needed help.  Daughter is calling me all the time in fits because they are so needy and their own kids live across the country and won't do anything.  I listen to it on a daily basis and it's very stressful for me to hear because exMIL isn't a very nice person. However, if we were treated right by all of them, we would have stayed and helped.

The other day daughter called in dismay again, and I never planned on saying anything about the way dh and I were treated by everyone there when we moved down, but things just kind of segwayed into it. I was kind, but gently reminded daughter of the way we were treated and that we moved away, not because of dh needing to be back in the office, but because we felt everyone wanted us to move by them only to realize we were uninvited to many holidays and other things and felt like we were in the way of everyone's life. I said, I wasn't mad, but that sometimes it bites when I have to listen to everything she is doing for exMIL, when she was angry thinking she might have to take care of us, which we were just fine.

Daughter apologized and said she didn't realize the ramifications of her actions went so deep. I said all is forgiven, but it really hurt us a lot and also caused a lot of financial damage to us.  I stated I loved her, and am still willing to help with ex-MIL as far as making needed phone calls for in home care and such for them. 

I guess, maybe I just needed to air things out, as when this all went down it triggered the same feelings of rejection that I felt when my FOO turned their backs on me all those years ago. I couldn't deal with my daughter doing the same along with ex MIL. It cut soooo deep, at the time I didn't know how to recover.

Now, daughter isn't returning my phone calls.  I hope it didn't ruin our relationship. I get so tired of holding the bag with everyone all the time just to keep the peace. I've never been able to stick up for myself in this life without everyone turning on me.  It's so exhausting.  I'ts like I'm always supposed to take whatever is dished out because Adria is so nice, and then if I do say anything, I'm the bad one, scapegoated again and again. Sometimes it feels like a life sentence.

Dealt with it when we went to our hometown this summer as well with my best friend. She was in with my family for years and I didn't know it.  I had nothing to do with her this summer. However, one friend in the group stuck up for me and validated my feelings. I think that was the first time in my entire life where someone actually said, "You're not wrong." 

I suppose, I just have to sit this out with my daughter.  It's very sad. Sorry this was so long.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, Adria. I think your post was a good length. I read it all. I can relate to your situation, and I understand your feelings.
My older brother and his wife have lived about two blocks from my house for more than 30 years. Our children are close in age, and when they were still at home, they played together a lot, especially the two who are almost exactly the same age. My brother remains friendly to me, but he has stated that his wife thinks our family (which also includes our sister, who lives about 50 miles away, and included our mom, who lived 50 miles away and died this summer) is "enmeshed" and that she thinks my brother spent too much time with our family. The vibes are clear to me, so my response has been to not expect or ask for help, even in emergencies. A few years ago, I fell down and hit the back of my head on the ground while walking; as I was still lying on the ground, I thought, "I'm not going to call my brother." Last year, my water heater stopped working, and because of when it happened, I was without hot water for about 10 days. My brother and his wife were on vacation out of state, but I did not ask my brother whether I could pop over to his house and take a shower. 
This summer, my sister told me about a spat she had with one of my daughters at that daughter's wedding. I did not need to hear this. I've been upset since, but I haven't said anything to my sister. I'm no longer comfortable having the kind of relationship I had before with my sister, but I'm afraid to tell her how I feel. Like you, I feel responsible for keeping the peace. It is exhausting.

[Adria]

Poison Ivy,

I'm sorry you had to live like that. It's sad when don't feel you can ask relatives for help when you live right down the street. My parents wanted us all living on the same street with them, and, in my mind, it was a disaster. No privacy, family walking in and out of each other's houses at will, and just knowing too much.  So, when daughter moved down the street, I thought, "Oh, boy," here we go again. Sure enough.

Daughter finally called this week, and acted like nothing was wrong. I'm happy about that. Thank you for hopping on with your story.  Yes, keeping the peace is very exhausting. Hugs, Adria

[bloomie]

Adria - just seeing your original post. I was awe struck by your courage and gentle expression of the pain and disappointment your move to/from near your daughter has been. That is peace making!! Not at all the same as peace keeping. You offered an honest expression of the impact of your daughter's choices and recent daily reminders of those choices has had on you. I applaud you.

Is it possible the silence from your daughter and then reengaging was a kind of reset and will lead to more care in how and what she shares? I am rooting for you that the true love you showed, by being honest with your daughter, will bring peace to you and hopefully be a bit of a new beginning in many ways!

[Adria]

Bloomie,

"That is peace making!! Not at all the same as peace keeping." Thank you, Bloomie.  Never thought of it that way. Huh, maybe I did something right?

"Is it possible the silence from your daughter and then reengaging was a kind of reset and will lead to more care in how and what she shares? I am rooting for you that the true love you showed, by being honest with your daughter, will bring peace to you and hopefully be a bit of a new beginning in many ways!"

It was a release to say it, and daughter has changed some things.  She seems to try and be more aware of what we speak of on the phone, and she invited me to visit next week, and she rearranged her schedule so we could spend time together. Usually, she makes me work around her.  So, at first, I didn't think I made any impact on her as she was flippant in her response, but it seems that she may have thought more about things and is trying to make amends. Time will tell, but for now, I'm going to take it as a win.

Thank you for your encouraging thoughts. Hugs, Adria

[1footouttadefog]

Glad to read that your daughter finally came around. 

I hope that things can be better between you now. 

Please be careful to keep this reset from going back to a negative place, boundaries and the tools can help  keep from going back to a dark place again.

I hope you husband has also recovered from what you all went through.  You have each other, live well together. 

[Adria]

1footouttadefog,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It really took a toll on dh, so we are trying to keep good boundaries in the hopes that things with all of us keep moving forward in the right direction.  Appreciate your thoughts. Hugs, Adria

[hhaw]

Yes yes yes.  Boundaries keep us safe.  I find consistently enforcing  boundaries much more difficult than setting them.

Still working on it, myself.