I finally told my daughter . . .

[Adria]

Probably some of you remember that dh and I moved down by our daughter. When we were there, she moved three houses down from us, which I was worried about because of the situation with me and my own family living in close proximity.

My ex-MIL always acted as though my daughter was her daughter and my daughter acted the same toward her.  Two decades ago, exMIL sent my daughter an ad for a job down by her. Daughter was in a precarious situation with a boyfriend and my family was after her, so I told daughter to go.  Probably a big mistake from where things stand now.

We only lasted a couple years by daughter and her family because my daughter was quite cold to us.  Mind you, all dh and I ever heard from ex-MIL and daughter was that they wished we were living by them instead of hours away.  So, during covid, dh was told he could work remote and we took the opportunity to move by the kids and grandkids. For the first time in years, we were so excited to actually live by family.

However, if I walked over to daughter's house (which I only allowed myself to do once every three weeks so I wouldn't encroach on their life), I was met with her opening the door, standing in front of it saying, "What do you want?"  Then my grand daughter did the same thing. I was so dejected and heartbroken, I didn't go over again. Everyone from daughter's church asked why we didn't attend the same church.  I said, I didn't want to butt into their lives too much because we lived a few houses down and wanted to give them their space.  Daughter also, stated that she thought the only reason we moved down, was so she would take care of us. We didn't need taking care of. Just wanted to be by family. When it was my birthday, she didn't acknowledge it because she was too busy with ex-MIL and taking care of her. I never got mother's day cards, but was always told that she went to church with exMIL and had dinner with them because it was mother's day.

Fast forward, we left and went back to where we lived before, stating that dh needed to get back to the office.  We lost a ton of money, and dh should be retired by now, but can't because we also moved a couple times there to try and get some space hoping things would get better, but is was always awkward, so we left.

Now, ex-MIL is ill and so is her husband. We helped out a lot with them when we lived nearby because they needed help.  Daughter is calling me all the time in fits because they are so needy and their own kids live across the country and won't do anything.  I listen to it on a daily basis and it's very stressful for me to hear because exMIL isn't a very nice person. However, if we were treated right by all of them, we would have stayed and helped.

The other day daughter called in dismay again, and I never planned on saying anything about the way dh and I were treated by everyone there when we moved down, but things just kind of segwayed into it. I was kind, but gently reminded daughter of the way we were treated and that we moved away, not because of dh needing to be back in the office, but because we felt everyone wanted us to move by them only to realize we were uninvited to many holidays and other things and felt like we were in the way of everyone's life. I said, I wasn't mad, but that sometimes it bites when I have to listen to everything she is doing for exMIL, when she was angry thinking she might have to take care of us, which we were just fine.

Daughter apologized and said she didn't realize the ramifications of her actions went so deep. I said all is forgiven, but it really hurt us a lot and also caused a lot of financial damage to us.  I stated I loved her, and am still willing to help with ex-MIL as far as making needed phone calls for in home care and such for them. 

I guess, maybe I just needed to air things out, as when this all went down it triggered the same feelings of rejection that I felt when my FOO turned their backs on me all those years ago. I couldn't deal with my daughter doing the same along with ex MIL. It cut soooo deep, at the time I didn't know how to recover.

Now, daughter isn't returning my phone calls.  I hope it didn't ruin our relationship. I get so tired of holding the bag with everyone all the time just to keep the peace. I've never been able to stick up for myself in this life without everyone turning on me.  It's so exhausting.  I'ts like I'm always supposed to take whatever is dished out because Adria is so nice, and then if I do say anything, I'm the bad one, scapegoated again and again. Sometimes it feels like a life sentence.

Dealt with it when we went to our hometown this summer as well with my best friend. She was in with my family for years and I didn't know it.  I had nothing to do with her this summer. However, one friend in the group stuck up for me and validated my feelings. I think that was the first time in my entire life where someone actually said, "You're not wrong." 

I suppose, I just have to sit this out with my daughter.  It's very sad. Sorry this was so long.