The anniversary hits the hardest

[IsleOfSong]

Today is our wedding anniversary. It was 27 years ago today that we got married. I am struggling to put on a happy face for her while inside I resist the urge to beat myself up, or at least the urge to tell myself that my efforts to gain the strength to leave haven't been enough yet. Therapy has helped me understand why I've stayed this long — childhood fear of stronger, judgmental personalities, mostly — but there's still a gap between the knowing and the understanding.

Tomorrow my beloved son goes back to college. He's a sophomore and will be less than 2 hours from us, but I'll miss having him here in the trenches with me. He was my wife's scapegoat when he was a child, and though I did my best to shield him and to push back on her relentless criticism and need for control over him, he's somehow turned out pretty well-adjusted. Not without his quirks (secrecy, weed use) but a good egg, as they say. Just the other night he entered the kitchen in secondhand pants he'd bought, and my wife greeted him with "Isn't it time you threw those pants away?" My heart broke for him. It's like he's still 5, in her eyes. No wonder he's so hot to get to his new off-campus apartment.

I turn 57 next month. My kids are adults. Financially, we're more than sound. Does it really all boil down to the fact that my father and older brother's explosive personalities a half-century ago still keep me from pursuing my own authenticity? My therapist thinks so. We're working through it all. Anyway, just a vent on what is supposed to be a special day. Thanks for reading this far. :-)

[xredshoesx]

thinking of you today @IsleOfSong  and holding space for you-

people who haven't dealt with uPD/ PD don't get that anniversaries are a time of mourning and introspection for us bc it's like you think back up on your innocence and play back your 'life movie' where all the things happened that were bad and you're mourning the loss of who you thought your partner was as well as the loss of what you thought your life would be like with them.

I'm glad your son has you.  if and when you are ready to go is his current location a place you could see yourself being independent? 

[Rebel13]

Hi IsleofSong, I feel you. I am right around your age and things are getting really intense in therapy, and I kind of can't believe things that happened 50+ years ago are still having such a strong impact on my current feelings and behavior. It's amazing, and not in a good way. But my therapy is helping me understand how much the neural patterns that developed in a situation of almost constant fear, emotional stress, and verbal and physical abuse get kind of "stuck" and patterns develop around them that even defend the erroneous beliefs we were taught about the world and human behavior.

Wishing you the best and that you can be kind to yourself as much as possible. Maybe you are making small changes, and when the time comes for you to make a bigger one, you will be ready for it.

[IsleOfSong]

I'm glad your son has you.  if and when you are ready to go is his current location a place you could see yourself being independent? 

Do you mean, would I move in with him? I'm not sure what you're saying, but he's in a college town apartment with another student, so I wouldn't live with him. If you mean, could I live independently with him being away at school, the answer is yes. :-)

Now to convince my neural pathways that it's safe to make that change for myself...

...I kind of can't believe things that happened 50+ years ago are still having such a strong impact on my current feelings and behavior. It's amazing, and not in a good way. But my therapy is helping me understand how much the neural patterns that developed in a situation of almost constant fear, emotional stress, and verbal and physical abuse get kind of "stuck" and patterns develop around them that even defend the erroneous beliefs we were taught about the world and human behavior.

I appreciate that you empathize and understand. I'm very stuck in being stuck. Yesterday's dropoff at college didn't go especially well — mom and son got into a heated discussion about his tendency to give up quickly on extracurricular activities that he tries, and it was just a tense scene overall. The kid is totally insecure... given his childhood with a critical overbearing mom, is it any wonder why?

Even if I never do make the break, I'm grateful that I at least understand the dynamic and resist the urge to play into it. I no longer jump in to defend either of our kids when she privately criticizes them. She doesn't want my comebacks — she just wants to complain and feel superior/victimized. At least I see it for what it is...

[1footouttadefog]

One thing that gave some space to think and be interospective and to have an aspect of life that was not defined by my being married to a PD was camping, hiking and taking day trips both alone and with groups. 

Somehow this made the pain of being trapped more bearable. It also made me know that a life away from or without the PD is possible whether I stay or not.

My kitchen is are not out of college.  One of them is avoiding coming back to the house.  We go to her for over ight visits where we stay in a hotel.  This works well as it serves as a PD workable trip in terms of time and distance and attention etc.

Anniversaries, my PDH likes the fact the number is getting bigger.  I am not sore it means any more than that to him.  I had a funeral for my marriage at 25 years and the anniversaries have been less painful ever sense. 

I used to be in a church choir at a church with a quite elderly congregation.  A high percentage of the anniversaries were over 50 years.  They were announced every week and a little song was sung to celebrate. 

There were two members of the congregation who had mentally ill spouses. It was sad to see their eyes tear up each week.  They also had an idea of what I was dealing with and we would find out eyes  each week that the anniversaries were announced.

You are not alone. 

[IsleOfSong]

One thing that gave some space to think and be interospective and to have an aspect of life that was not defined by my being married to a PD was camping, hiking and taking day trips both alone and with groups. 

Somehow this made the pain of being trapped more bearable. It also made me know that a life away from or without the PD is possible whether I stay or not.

Thanks, 1foot. Yes, I do have a group of close friends with whom I socialize a fair amount. It does help. I also have gotten increasingly comfortable in doing activities without my wife, since usually when the two of us are alone the subject will turn to what she thinks is wrong with our two great kids.

Good to know I'm not alone — though I feel for all of us in this predicament.

[Cascade]

Yeah, anniversaries can be tough. It's drilled into our heads that they should be something to celebrate and yet we don't feel much like celebrating. At least they only come once a year.