this is a post about the shadow that is my trauma

[xredshoesx]

backstory for folks that aren't long timers

I came here about a year after I broke it off with my uPD ex.
I have a uPD mother who lost custody of me multiple times and who PAS'ed me from my father.

i'm married to DH going on 17 years who I met because of a friendship developed here (he wasn't a member but other members supported me in dipping my toe in the dating waters)

I mostly posted about work issues bc of not one, but two very difficult work situations where uPD may have been involved and sometimes about my MIL.



the event
in the last 15 years of my career i've worked with my teammates to get an admin fired and an admin moved.  with those two bosses there were YEARS untrue and very unfair evaluations, of which can control the outcome of my career.  we finally get a new admin last year.  I like them- they are straightfoward and do not present as bat shit anything. we jive, we have a good working relationship.  I don't take their critiques of anything I do on the job because a) they do it in a kind/ professional manner and b) it's stuff I already beat myself up for  -  so this is a HUGE growth in itself bc my trauma shadow tells me mistakes equals some kind of punishment/ abuse is next.

so anyways, I figure bc we finally have a fair boss, for the first time in the 8 years i've been with my organization, i'll get a chance at actually having a fair evaluation at the end of our cycle....

I open my email when our reviews are posted.. and my score is lower then expected to the point where I will be automatically put on an improvement plan.

second growth moment coming.  I emailed my boss.  they called me (I was on FMLA for hip replacement) and we figure out *together* it wasn't something on their end and it was something in the way my data was averaged out.  I file two appeals.  I meet with the evaluation committee representatives after they went over the timeframe to respond to my appeals.....

only to find out they were going to deny my appeal because of a business rule nowhere in our contract or evaluation handbook that describes all the parameters of how they 'count' our data.

this is the trauma part.

my trauma dropped me.  in my mind I am back in the courtroom finding out I can't get emancipated ( I had some felonious stuff as a teen) and would remain in custody of the state..... that went HORRIBLE then eventually i' back in the courtroom again and the same court that promised me i'd never have to live with my mother again is doubling back on that decision and sending me to live with her as an older teen.... that went worse than HORRIBLE.  people in rooms making decisions about me where I have no voice is my worst worst worst worst trigger.

I listened to angry music and cried all the way home, bc I joked all summer, I would help a bunch of other people appeal and they would win and I wouldn't....and I was right...... 

once I got home and finished my nuggies and mashed taters (because my DH already knows I need my special safe foods at times) I put together all the documentation I already had ready (bc my survival brain knew I was gonna need it when I lost) and sent it off to my union.

after my trauma fog cleared I asked my rep if it would be advisable if I inquired of the appeals board as to where I could see a copy of this business rule (bc my trauma brain couldn't think that well in the heat of the moment) and they said hell yeah red do just that and see what they say

this is now a potential company wide problem that my grievance may get solved for not just me, but a whole lot of my coworkers (we are the largest branch of the organization that does this type of work in my state)

and now i'm sitting in the anteroom of a different court waiting for people to make a decision about what happens next to me about my life (and my career), but at least I feel like someone heard my voice.

[Pinkos]

Oof @xredshoesx - I know all too well how a toxic work environment can wreak havoc on your emotional regulation and open up old trauma wounds. I empathize with you. A lot of times these corporate guidelines/policies are put in place without a lot of thought. Or they are set up in a way that denies employees a fair and meaningful performance/grievance review process. In my experience the review process is something that tends to be primarily used when they want to fire you and avoid a wrongful termination suit. IOW, when they want a paper trail. Also, bad managers can use it as a tool to bully employees they don't like.

You need a steel backbone to stay upright in these workplaces. It sounds like you have plenty of that. You've been advocating for yourself and others and you are continuing to do so with this new clusterduck. You are a workplace hero!

In my experience, most people prefer to keep their head down and tolerate these workplace abuses and mismanagement. And I get that too! It's a lot to deal with. We have to pick our battles of course. In the rare instances when employees have stood up and gone toe to toe with my employer, my employer tends to lose the fight. Or they have been willing to pay employees off. So it's not always the case that you lose if you stick your neck out or stand up for yourself. That fear keeps many people compliant. Power never cedes. A lot of the time these employers get away with stuff they shouldn't because most people don't want the conflict.

Stay calm and keep your head up. A union is a great source of support as well. So glad you have that.  

 

[1footouttadefog]

This type of stuff is what Unions are for, glad you ha e the support.  Hoping it all goes well.

[moglow]

And there you were, supporting and encouraging me that whole time...

Personal pov: I find it abhorrent that your performance is based on the performance of others, as if you can actually control any of that. Arbitrarily applied numbers and unexplainable calculations, and you're automatically placed on an improvement plan? With no actual complaints, disciplinary actions, etc? Appeals for clarity/explanation and they double down instead of actually reassessing the data?

I'm impressed with you - you've hung in there and said No. We're not doing this, and this is why. People are being done dirty, to what purpose? Explain it to me, and likely provide explanations for a number of others around you.

Believe me, I'd want you in my corner, not sitting across that desk awaiting a their pithy excuses. Although I would enjoy watching that ...

Keep fighting the good fight, red.

[hhaw]

I'm so sorry, xred:

The feeling of being powerless, and at-the-mercy-of.....is maddening, IME.

There's no remedy, but to go mad, calm down, fight, and repeat, IME.

 Fighting is costly to one's mental health, but the alternative is worse, IME.

I'll be sending you strength, to continue doing the paperwork, filing appeals, and doing what you can to change an unfair system.

Keep breathing.

[xredshoesx]

ty ty ty

the performance plan is the corrective action....

in the back and forth and sharing of documentation it looks like I may have an actual grievance.  stay tuned,,,,,

[bloomie]

xredshoesx - just catching up...  100x's!

I am standing by cheering you on! The freeze and then the thaw where you start looking at the fine print and dismantling injustice piece by piece - because that is what this is has me standing on my chair rooting for you and everyone impacted by this. Sending you strength!!!

[xredshoesx]

update

my work issue has not been fixed yet.  the employer has refused to correct the error in the mediation stage of filing a grievance, so I trotted out my contract and cut/ pasted the applicable parts back to our coordinator along with the employer's rationale for denial (which exists nowhere in our handbook) and we will see what happens next.

as a side note I may be being elevated to either building rep or alternate building rep for my location so that positions me better to be at the table for myself if this keeps going on without a resolution

[hhaw]

I'm flabbergasted at the casual casting of easily disproved falsehoods people allege.

You're doing the work, to disprove negatives, while following rules.

It helped me, to be heard by third parties, if I assumed the posture of educating the listeners, sans judgment..... expressing only the eager will to "help" people understand, with a glad, upbeat heart.

Go get'em xredshiesx.

[bloomie]

xredshoesx - there is a calm resolve coming through as you share your next steps. Something that is hard in the face of injustice and what sounds like apathy toward respectful, careful handling of missteps in a system that greatly impacts outcomes for you and others.

I'm with hhaw: Go get'em xredshoesx.

[xredshoesx]

my issue is now officially a level 2 grievance

I am also my building alternate union rep

I was born for this.  my other nickname is a famous labor organizer for a reason.....

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm cheering you on as well! I have no doubt you'll take it right up that chain as far you need to to have justice be done. Redshoes is not going to just give up and give in to the craziness and making up rules as they go.

You remind me of Thomas Moore in A Man for All Seasons, how he talks about how no matter what the rule of law must be protected. Great play.

[hhaw]

Xredshiesx:

I can't find your post, about your childhood, but have meant to respond.  First, it leaves me shaking, I half write a message, it seems inadequate, the anger swallows me, and I mean to come back and finish it.

You were made to overcome injustice, and willful ignorance.....
you were. 

It wasn't fair, or right, or what you deserved, and I'm outraged on your behalf.....but also impressed at your poise, grounded certainty, and intestinal fortitude.

I'll be sending you energy for the fight, and imminent victory.  Remember, don't judge ...what appears like a blow, might be the thing creating triumph for you.

That was always my experience.

[xredshoesx]

@hhaw I don't post much about my childhood- I don;t have all the words to express the sum of my anger yet

in other news my item was also an agenda item at our monthly union meeting.

it's affecting others too

we are truly stronger together