Unpdm saying that I said things I don’t remember saying

[Sojourner17]

I got texts from my unpdm the other day saying that she thinks she figured out why I turned on her, stopped communicating, inviting her etc.  she says I told her that they didn't accept my DH.  I have no recollection of this.  I'm completely baffled and to be honest it's not makjng a lot of sense.  My DH and I have talked about it and I may have mentioned on here but I have no memory of saying it to her. 

I talked it over with my DH and decided to ask her about it.  I knew it could be a catalyst into tricky waters and it was.  She said I said it earlier in the year when she asked me to tell her why I went nc.  I do NOT remember saying it.  I let her just talk, (she talked about how wonderful my DH is and all the reasons this couldn't possibly be true and it's my job to make his realize that he is accepted) maybe I should have stopped her and said I didn't remember saying it but I didn't.  The phone call spiralled into her comparing me to her friends daughter that lives even farther away and calls her mom every day and has visited already this year with another planned trip. She also compared her parenting to my best friends mom and then said she thinks this all stems from a time that a counsellor I was seeing told me that my unpdm was toxic.  I asked her which counsellor that was and she said some female counsellor I saw before getting married and that she (unpdm) even offered to go to the counsellor with me but I refused (I have no recollection of this as well).

1) I don't remember that particular counsellor saying that.
And 2) I have NO recollection of ever telling my mom that a counsellor said that. 

The convo just spilled into unpd mom talking and talking and talking.  My head is spinning from all that was said. 

The convo led to me giving her more ammo because somehow I thought it would be a good time to try to tell her why I went nc.  I used the words attacking me (big mistake,  ) and she cut me off without hearing what I was actually trying to say and just ran with it.
Honestly I'm so upset at myself for making such a blunder almost 8 years or more into this now.
 
 
Have any of you experienced something like this? Where your unpd says you said certain things but you can't remember ever saying those things to them?  I know I've thought them,  talked to my DH about them, probably said it to a friend or a counsellor but I have no recollection saying it to her. 

[BreatheDeep]

Yes this has happened to me more times than I can count, and -- up to a point -- I've come to trust the toxic person's recollection on specific things more than my own.

Why? Because 1) I tended to get so triggered when I was around these particularly toxic family members that I probably did blurt out what I was thinking, and 2) in my experience at least, collecting and compiling lists of 'wounds' for later use from the person they see as victimizing them is a well-honed tool in a PD person's arsenal. From their perspective, their survival depends on them coming out on top, so I imagine they're highly motivated to get it right. And more often than not, what they 'claimed' I said was worded precisely the way I would've said (or thought) it.

On the other hand, they seemed to pick out and commit to memory ONLY the words or statements they were confident they could weaponize later, and would conveniently forget things like context, the rest of the conversation, and, of course, their own contribution to the exchange.

I eventually went NC with each of them, but towards the end of our relationship(s) I refused to litigate past exchanges, but insisted that we focus instead on what they wanted or hoped to gain in that moment. Nobody's memory is perfect, and -- if your goal is to solve the problem and not just beat somebody over the head -- it shouldn't have to be.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sojourner,

I am sorry your mum dragged you down to a rabbit hole. I would say it's fairly common for a PD person to remember things differently from us. Their memory is way more affective than ours and their emotions become their thoughts, so it's quite possible that they turn into a concrete fact something that was not said but they felt or something that was hinted at (or they thought was hinted at). Because they are so sensitive about their self image and how they are perceived by others, they become very good at picking things that may not be communicated intentionally (they are also good at imagining things too, to fit their version of the story, and then convincing themselves that these things actually happened). You are right to feel like you were taken for a ride because your mum baited you and engaged you in an argument you did not want to have.

Notice also the displacement: your mum is angry and upset with you because she thinks you should be doing more for her, like her friend's daughter, but she transferred her upset over to your husband.

It's a fruitless and thankless task to get her to understand what you did or didn't say; no amount of confirmation or evidence would change her opinion because her real beef is with you. And she is trying to engage you to get what she wants from you. The best way to shut this down is to give it no credit. I know how difficult this is because you feel you are accused unjustly and you want to defend yourself but no amount of defence will reassure your mum, simply because you are not and cannot and should not become who your mum wants you to be.