What do you think about this?

[Adria]

Dh and I  are on a street with a bunch of older widowed women. They are very nice, but sometimes can be a lot. I'm kind of reserved, and they got a party going all the time of one kind or another.  I finally relented and played cards with them.  The queen bee told me in front of everyone that I don't fit in very well. I'm guessing because I don't drink for health reasons.  Everything they do is planned around drinking, which I don't care what they do, but it seems to bother them that I don't. 

Anyway, I kind of looked at it as, good, I got a free pass. I don't fit in, so I don't have to attend.  However, now when I run into this woman, she always says she misses me, she keeps inviting me to their parties that I really don't care to attend. I have enough of my own stuff going on. Plus, I think she knows how she put me on the spot, again, I didn't react because I don't care if I fit in or not.  Not necessarily trying to.

Kind of seems like she invites me so she can play in my face and embarrass me in front of the other women. Second time she's put me on the spot.  Again, it didn't really bother me because I don't care if I fit in. Just kind of annoying. I've seen these power plays before and don't want to deal with it.

I've tried telling them how busy I am, but they keep inviting and make me feel like I'm being rude by not going.  It's kind of like a no win situation.

Any suggestions on how I can get out of this permanently without coming off as a snob or anti-social?

[Rebel13]

Hi Adria,

I'm so glad you aren't wishing that you did fit in or that they really really liked you etc. Not caring is a way of being free.

If she/they are inviting you in a way that can be ignored, like text or email, I might reply once with "No thanks, it's not my thing," and then stop responding.

If it's in person, I'd probably say the same thing, "No thanks, it's not my thing, but have fun!" And then just be a broken record about it, rinse and repeat if she keeps asking. Keep it light, cheerful, and wave bye-bye. No excuses, no justifications. You can look at the No JADE and medium chill articles; I've found them very helpful with that kind of thing.

Regarding how you will "come off," unfortunately we aren't in charge of other people's reactions, opinions and perceptions. They might think you are a snob or anti-social, and they get to think that. (It's easier to think that than "We are mean drunks and that's why she doesn't want to hang with us."  )

It's really, really tough to be OK with other people not thinking well of us. But sometimes it's also a relief. Sometimes when I can let go and think to myself, "That's not my problem to solve," or "People's opinions don't change reality," I get a big huge sigh of relief and I love it.

Wishing you all the best!

[Pinkos]

 

What's Pete Walker's line "Disapproval is OK with me."

Your story reminded me of a colleague (different department) who played these types of power games with me. We primarily saw each other at the office gym that we both used regularly. She was leaner/could lift heavier than me. I was not doing so bad myself. One day she stacked weights on the chest press machine and asked me to come over and lift it. I said no, she asked me 2 more times. I said no and we both went back to our individual workouts. 

I tell you that to hopefully make you laugh.    These power games are so absurd.

[Adria]

Rebel,
You make some good points:

 "Not caring is a way of being free." I'm working on that.
 "Rinse and Repeat."  Yes, I need to learn that one, have a tendency to explain to much.
 "It's really, really tough to be OK with other people not thinking well of us. But sometimes it's also a relief. Sometimes when I can let go and think to myself, "That's not my problem  to  solve," or "People's opinions don't change reality," I get a big huge sigh of relief and I love it." So true, still working on this one as well.
 
These are very true and great reminders.  So easy to think about when not in these situations, however, when I'm thrown back into the thick of it, it's like my brain goes numb and forgets everything I'm trying to teach myself. Thank you so much. I will be printing these for next time.

[Adria]

Pinkos,

You did make me laugh I'm not sure why people are always having to prove something. It comes off so childish, and like they are the one with the insecurities. So glad you could just say, "No," and didn't knuckle under to her demands and hurt yourself.

"Disapproval is Okay with Me."  Love that. My new mantra. 

Thank you for hopping on.

[1footouttadefog]

This is a hard one.  You have to love around these folks.  Shame not to be able to have a cordial relationship with the others just because of the one. 

I would be inclined to treat them as the old ladies they are. I might agree to stop by with the understanding It would be just long enough to say hello because I had another engagement that evening.  I might take a tray of snacks or a bottle or their favorite refreshment. 

Stop, say hello to everyone, trade niceties and small talk, pass out complements to the host, and the others about lawn, gardens,dresses etc etc, thank them all for having you then excuse yourself. 

[Adria]

1footouttadefog,

We live very close to one another, tight street, so, yes, dh and I try to be very cordial when we are out and see them. We also help if one of them needs a tree trimmed or some heavy lifting done, etc.

Dh posted on our fridge as a new reminder, the penguins from Madagascar: "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave."  So we have been trying to do that more than constantly getting sucked into whatever they got going on. Like  I said, most of them are very nice, a little nosey, but nice. And, I have to say, when dh was ill, they rallied around us, and it was much appreciated. It's just that we don't have much in common, and it just seems like a lot of pressure to get me to succumb to their every wish and demand. Thank you so much for your thoughts. You are right, short and sweet with them is the way to move forward.