Divorced, multiple hoovers between multiple discards, who am I?

[Fourdogs]

Today, I would give anything to not divorcing her. I am one of the few that has not had a better life without them. I am old. Alone. No friends. No family. Not even my dogs.
We divorced in August 2025 a few months after my work ended. Her desire to divorce was due to her envy of her wealthier female cousin who is grandiose and a much happier family. Her family is totally dysfunctional, 6 people in total, not one able to bond to another person. We went for a 3 month vacation shortly after the divorce, discard, hoovered, then the reverse discard, during the time of no contact I would wake hearing her voice multiple times, waking expecting she was in the room, in the mall I would sit down and zone out and I would feel her walking towards me and look up and remember she isnt there, she had a plan where life would be greener with someone else, 6 weeks later I get a phone call, she is having a complete meltdown, total failure, we live together for another 3 months, she finds another long distance romance and we separate, the new guy is big on porn, control and financial abuse, I warned her not to go, of course she went, new supply, woohoo, that brings us to today. There is no love, no expectation that she would ever love me, she has roasted me, demeaned me, every type of abuse and I miss hearing her voice, sleeping beside her. What ever it is I miss our house, I miss my dogs, I miss my walking trails, and a normal person would have walked away at day one and I just punish myself over and over and over again. I talk to my psychologist almost daily for years. I am sitting in a hotel room for months. Alone. No friends. No family. Today I realized that I need a woman to provide a life for me, at least that has been the pattern. Does it almost sound like a narcissist? Using their supply to give them an identity? The thing is I cant go back now and even if I could her bringing another man into the house has closed that door forever and she didn't have to tell me about all the changes in the house she made for him. But of course she did because she knows exactly how it would hurt. If I was working the last 2 years it would be so much easier but there isnt any work especially when you are passed 65. When do I stop thinking about her? When do I learn? How many chances have I wasted to move on and find a new life elsewhere. Honestly, I feel I have totally lost myself. Nothing to anchor me. Just a couple boxes of my stuff in the back seat and moving from hotel to hotel. Thanks for listening. To those that have made it to the other side and growing, I genuinely marvel at your strength.

[bloomie]

Fourdogs - I read back over some of your posts to get up to speed. I can sure sense the depth of pain  you are feeling and I am so sorry.

Not working, not having a routine or the interactions we build with a partner to help us throughout the day is a huge shift even without the added drama and trauma the divorce and push/pull that you describe.

You have come to a very important realization:

Today I realized that I need a woman to provide a life for me, at least that has been the pattern.

What is one small step you could take to begin to build something for yourself? Volunteer with animals, elders, children, at a museum or food bank? Visit a house of worship and begin attending and connecting with others?

Sign up for senior learning opportunities and begin to connect and challenge yourself to grow and continue learning? Find out what your options are for a permanent residence that you could make your very own?

Just some things that I was wondering about. All of this, one small thing, will help you to begin to define who you are and what it is you like to do. One small thing. Whatever that is... do that! 

[Fourdogs]

Thank you Bloomie, I feel like a 5 yr old told the stove is hot, and I have to go to the hospital over and over and over again. My choices are not logical.

[Adria]

Fourdogs,

I feel the pain in your words. I'm so sorry. Sounds like you've been put through the wringer.

You know what? You are just down right now.   You are a very strong person for having lived through what you have been through. It just doesn't feel like it right now. Maybe just getting up in the morning and going for a walk, or going to the coffee shop to be around people.  Dress like you've got somewhere to go, look in the mirror, smile, take a deep breath, and go. Even if all you can do right now is around the block. Put one foot in front of the other, baby steps. Be patient and kind to yourself. You have to be your own best friend right now.  And, you can be. Do something nice for yourself every day and make that a win, something to celebrate because you are worth it.  In time, you will feel stronger, happier and more in control. If you can find a place to make your own, maybe you can rescue a dog. Rescues make great companions, and they can encourage us to keep moving.

Try and do the small things. In time, you will find a routine, somewhere to go, and people to chat with.  Things will work out. And, who knows, maybe someday, you will wake up to find that you are happier than you've ever been.

[Rebel13]

Hi Fourdogs, I'm really sorry you are struggling so much.

I thought of a couple things that helped me. Recently I have been listening to Richard Grannon's Youtube channel. He has a lot of videos on recovering from toxic relationships. I like his quirky personality and his unusual take on some common topics. But if you don't like him, there are lots of other Youtube channels talking about the same subject.

I also liked Rick Hanson's 21 Ways to Feel Good About Yourself and companion worksheet/journal. This might help you distract yourself from ruminating about your ex and all the things that are wrong, and start you on a path to focusing on you and making yourself feel better.

Really wishing you the best. I know it is a hard road.

[1footouttadefog]

Sorry you have lost your relationship and that the second and third chances etc did not work.  It has to hurt.

65 is young these days. It's quite possible that some of your best years are ahead. 

Practice self care.  Make healthy routines and stick with them , even if you don't feel it emotionally at times.

There are jobs for 65 year olds,you can also start a small service business or a side gig of some kind. 

I recently saw where an old guy bought a large toy hauler type RV trailer.  He outfitted the entire back end of it to do repairs.  He has work benches, saw horses, drill press, band saw, power tools, welding gear etc etc.  It's like a tinkers wagon on steroids with a small living space also.  He pulls it with a truck, and travels to his different kids homes and stays a while and works on fixing things for their friends and neighbors while in the area. 

Think outside the box and create your dream.

It's normal to want a partner, that does not make you a narc at all.   
 

[Fourdogs]

Thank you all for your comments, the sun was warm today, dressed well, felt good, and went for a walk in the park, watched some squirrels playing, talked to a few men my age passing by, and I felt good. I also learned a bit about psychology, I have felt in this relationship that if she wanted to harm me physically I would just stand there and let it happen, and why it would feel like a release, I now understand why I felt this way and glad to say I no longer feel this way.
Thanks for your time and support not only for myself but for keeping this site available.

[Trinity85]

Your post really resonated with me. I am also out of work (unexpected layoff past 60) and alone. I am not happy. I feel like my life is slipping away and I have no focus/no direction/no hope, but I just refuse to let him win. At the end of the day, that is honestly what is keeping me going.

I try to get up each day, go for a walk. I've joined a bunch of groups through my local library. I am focused on my diet and exercise. And last night I pulled out an instrument that I haven't played in many years. Some days I don't want to do any of these things, and I spend the day doing nothing at all. Then I get up the next day and try all over again.

I have thought about more therapy, but I'm tired of therapy. Tired of talking about him and thinking about all this - about him - about all the sh*t he pulled over the years that I made excuses for because I'm a normal human being without a personality disorder. And at the end of the day, I just don't want to give him any more of my time.

I just keep going. One day at a time. And trusting that someday this will be better. Holding you in my thoughts.

[hhaw]

Fourdogs:
I'm not gonna lie. Building a new life, without frequent thoughts of your ex, won't likely happen overnight, and the familiarity of feeling stuck, is likely more comfortable than the thought of wonderful unknowns.

I don't have answers....just suggestions for trying on ideas you might be interested in:

Learn Mahjong and join a group.

Find a bar/restaurant with trivia or Karaoke, and commit to staying an hour....just to try it on.

Try out a dance class. 

Join the library and check out books/books on tape you're inspired by.

See if adopting a new dog feels right. It's ok to look.

Start viewing apartments or living situations.  You might find someone who has a room or apartment that suits you to a t. Maybe someone who appreciates you....maybe with animals they need help caring for? 

Visit local farmer's markets, and nurseries, if only to browse and chat with new people.

Your brain needs to learn new things, go new places, and strive for curiosity....even if you're not ready, IME.  It's ok to leap, without feeling ready.

I suspect you might bond with a new woman, given the chance....and there's women looking for nice men.

Heck, join a dating app....maybe Facebook?  My 74yo Uncle's been very busy, in 2 apps, since losing his wife. Apparently, he wants intimacy, sans any involvement with a woman's family, or driving more than half an hour, bleck, but he's out there and being honest.  What would you say you're looking for? 

Just pay attention to what you're learning about yourself.  Be realistic, and research boundaries, maybe?

You get to decide how you spend the next years of your life.  If you're not done grieving ... grieve deeply....drive to a secluded spot, turn up the radio and keen like a wild animal.  Tear at your clothing. Process it out of your system..... it's ok to be sad.

Afterwards....

Maybe cast off all habits, and try new things for a month?

Tying flies?

Woodworking?

Join a walking group.

Hold premie babies in the NICU.

Volunteer at an animal shelter walking dogs.

You're needed in this world.  You just need to find your tribe.
::nodding::.

[1footouttadefog]

I suggest you try new things, perhaps small things and gather new things that represent now you and a new chapter in your journey story.

Find a new ice cream or dessert and keep some on hand.  Find a new tea or flavor or type of coffee, or a new type of soda.

Collect these small symbolic things and come home to them and experience pleasures l, flavors, fragrances that are part of this chapter.

Walk in a new place, read a new book, watch a new TV series, buy new shoe laces or socks. 

Small symbolic changes to remind you that there is a whole new world out there to experience.  Tactile and multi sensory experiencing reminds you that you are alive in the here and now and it does not all ha e to be pain and gloom.