Childhood emotional neglect - impact

[Oksi]

I wanted to share my story about the emotional neglect I experienced growing up in my family. Lately, I have been feeling so lonely, empty, and sad that I am finally beginning to recognize how deeply it has affected me. I am starting to understand how much unspoken tension I carry and how much pain and sadness I hold from not being heard, acknowledged, or recognized as a separate human being.

I was born into a family with an alcoholic father and, as is often the case, a codependent mother. She did not drink, but she spent her entire life taking care of my father. She was always quiet at home, distant, and emotionally absorbed in his needs. From a very young age, I was left to take care of myself while my mother was preoccupied with my father.
I grew up feeling as though I was never good enough simply to be seen and recognized. I was constantly criticized and expected to behave like a fully grown adult. It is so painful to realize that now. The emotional language of my family was: endure, suppress, cope, and stay quiet. That is how I lived for a very long time.
I was always the "good girl" who rescued her mother, helped her father, and tried to keep everything together, while feeling completely empty, sad, and lonely inside. My mother emotionally neglected me. All of her attention was focused on my father. Sometimes it feels as though there was no room left for me at all. I received no positive mirroring, no reassurance that my feelings mattered, and no sense that I was valued simply for being myself.
Instead, I was expected to be the perfect daughter: a daughter who never demanded anything, never asked for help, never cried, and never caused problems. I was expected to be completely self-sufficient from a very young age.
It is incredibly painful to realize that I was never allowed to be a child. I was expected to be an adult, to carry responsibilities that were not mine, and to take care of other people while no one took care of me. I spent so much of my life rescuing others, yet inside I felt unseen, unheard, and alone.

[bloomie]

Oksi - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have found this community. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story and the impact of having not been known and tenderly cared for as you so deserved.

The connections you have made between the atmosphere and focus of your parents' lives and the feelings and behaviors you see as outflow from that is powerful! Such insights and self awareness are hard won. I applaud you for doing the work you have to have done to get to this point in your healing journey.

For those of us who have carried the majority of responsibility in primary relationships for a very long time, over-functioning, we can find ourselves exhausted and burned out. What I love about this community is you don't have to be anything but yourself and join in as much or little as works for you. This is a space for you to share and for us to "listen" as you walk forward one step at a time.

I look forward to supporting you and seeing you out there on the forum boards!