Introductions and man, am I in trouble:).

[Tristach]

Hello, All.

-Not sure how to begin as so much has happened, especially recently.
-We're supposed to be anonymous, so I'll just leave my name out for now.
-I live in Japan with my wife and two kids.  We were happy enough for about 14 years, but things were never "normal".
-Culturally, Japan is of course very different, but my wife went through extreme bouts of rage over the years.  Some of them involved hitting me or extreme threats of divorce, separation or self harm (on her part).
-The laws, especially as I'm  a foreign man, are stacked against me so I've been video taping, recording and document some of these bouts.
-In Marh of 2025, after a huge blow out, my wife attempted suicide (which I was able to videotape...long story...but I have shown that to the police and paramedics when they arrived) but that was more of a stunt on her part and I do not feel her life was ever in danger.
-Christmas of 2025, things came to even more of a head when my wife got dysregulated and struck my daughter.  I called Child Social Services here in Japan but they didn't help much (they just visited our house a few times).
-Then, March of 2026, after repeated attempts for me to get her to stop, my wife hit me again and I called the police (119 here in Japan).
-They came to our house and I hoped this would have been enough to get my wife to agree to counseling...but nope.
-Around Sept of 2025 I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the stories in that book really resonated with me.  As such, i believe my wife is BPD (Borderline Personality Disordered).
-However, not only will she NOT attend counseling but she continues to blame me for calling the police and social services (like, instead of blaming herself for striking my daughter and I).
-My daughter ran away from school a few weeks ago, which put on the radar again, and my son's teacher has contacted my wife several times as he's been "crying" a lot at school and once or twice had to go to the nurse's office as he was too upset.
-I have told me wife we are separated and that I would not speak with her again unless a counselor was present, but still no dice.
-So yeah, it's a complete mess BUT, here's the worst part: 80% of our income comes from a shared English school we run together...so, until I can find a new job (I've been focusing on IT and cybersecurity) I do not have the financial means to move out or move forward with a divorce.
-I could write hundreds of pages but will stop now as the rules asked us not to be "too long".
-Any help appreciated.

[bloomie]

Hello, Tristach and welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for sharing the extreme difficulties you and your children are facing in your marriage and current living situation. My heart just breaks to think of this unfolding day in and out.

There is so much here, so I will start with the most basic human needs for you all within your household and that is safety. You have documented, contacted, and it seems there is little that has been followed up on or resources offered to you and your children.

One very important thing to think through and that we advocate strongly for here is put children first.

Your wife may refuse treatment and help, but you don't have to. Getting counseling and help for yourself and your kids and developing a plan to get you and your kiddos a safe living environment would be a very important first step.

I would suggest, having grown up in home with a mother who sounds quite similar to your wife, that the worst part of all of this are the children that are living within this atmosphere with no choices and way out.

https://www.hotpeachpages.net
This is a link to international agencies that may be of some help to you. I am wondering about local domestic violence agencies in your area and if they would be a resource and help to you? I would pursue  finding these resources.

https://jp.usembassy.gov/services/resources-for-victims-of-domestic-violence/
This is a link to resources that may be specific to your region.

We do not advise or offer counsel in active abuse situations here at Out of the FOG. We are not qualified to do that as each situation is unique and the risks to all of you are high. What we can offer is insights and tools, strategies, that have worked in dealing with behaviors of high conflict people, or those with disordered traits, but active physical abuse and violence are outside our scope - just so you understand how we are able to support you.

Sending you wisdom and strength as you work to find resources and a plan for safety for you and your children.