Thought I was ready

[Greenandblue]

We had a rough weekend in our home, which consists of our two kids. The police came for verbal. I had the kids and I set to pack and go to my mom's. I even had the courage to uphold my new boundary (which I mentally decided ahead of time) and told him about us going. I thought for sure this was going to be it (the turning point where I don't keep going back and forth debating leaving). Things have been worked out and were not super horrible this weekend. I thought I was going to pursue divorce, but things are back good again.

These times are when I feel so guilty for wanting a divorce. I have the image of what I want my family to be, but then shit goes down...and I'm reminded.

I have a lot of guilt and am fearful of the permanent change I will make. When things are good I forget there was ever a problem. This even more makes me feel like my concerns are not valid.

[1footouttadefog]

Abuse amnesia is a common theme here at Out of the FOG


When you move with turmoil and in survival mode a lot of the time it's easy to forget the bad times and try to cling to the better ones. 

This takes a great deal of reserves and sacrifice.  At some point we get often tired and run out of steam.

The toolbox section of this site is helpful to many.   

[blunk]

I found journaling to be extremely helpful in situations like this. When I read, in my own frantic handwriting on tear-stained pages, just what I had gone through it helped to strengthen my resolve to leave. You may also opt to make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship.

You mention having children, and the image of what you want your family to be.

Do you believe that it is healthy for them to witness their mother being mistreated?
Or to feel the confusion of the police coming to their home?
 
You all deserve to live in peace. That is rarely, if ever, found in a home with a PD.

No matter what you choose to do, be safe.

[Greenandblue]

You are both so right. I started filling out the divorce paperwork this past week and listening to the audio book Splitting. Divorce and moving on just seems like the logical next step. Even today and yesterday are good because they are more balanced. This is what I would dream for my family to be, and I understand it will not stays this way. I also have to remind myself that if things magically get better, I still need to leave in attempt to help the kids with what we have put them through.

I'm not religious, but I think of that story where the person is on the roof and it is flooding. Several pass by and offer to help, but the person declines. Then they ask their higher power why they didn't help. The higher power did send them help multiple times. I have had other times to get out, but wasn't strong enough. I have an opportunity now and am strong enough...with my support system.

I also started looking at houses for purchase and want to purchase next winter.

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you found clarity about what your next steps should be and are taking action.

You might find yourself doubting and questioning etc.   make sore to get good sleep and to take care of yourself.

It's okay to just take time to rest and unwind so you can be more effective and efficient.  Just coming to the place to make the decisions then act on them represents a huge amount of stress and turmoil that you have been through. Be kind to your self.

[Greenandblue]

Thank you so much for understanding. The acknowledgement of the nuanced things is huge.

[1footouttadefog]

It's tough especially when the world around us is fortunate to not really understand what we go through with a PD. 

This forum is great.  Not as many are posting at this time, but the depth of stories and conversations here is rich.  So are the resources in the tool box.

Just know you are not alone, your feelings and what you ha e been through matter and we recognize to some extent how much strength these decisions and changes take.   

[square]

There would be a crisis and I'd want to get out so bad, I'd just want to just go to a safe place instantly and never return. But I didn't have anywhere to go right then.

And then, when he calmed down, my choices were to A) keep the conflict going and thus actually escalate it when I was so, so tired and worn out or B) just let the conflict die down and move on and forget about it. Yeah, I chose B.

The thing that got me out was that I started working on getting out. I reminded myself that nothing I was doing committed me to anything. I got on a waiting list for low income housing. That committed me to nothing. I was on that list for a year, and I spent that year really thinking about it, mentally facing, deciding if I had the guts to actually do it, thinking about what my future could be. I was also really anxious because I honestly could not see how I could manage financially (I'm disabled).

Other crises happened and I knew I was on the list. I had the amnesia but under the amnesia was the knowledge I couldn't go on like this. To this day, I would really struggle to recount the circumstances of the blowups. I just know they happened. But I started kind of accepting the idea of doing something really, really scary and getting out.

I got the call saying the apartment was available. I was terrified. But I could choose. I could stay. Or I could go. But something outside of myself was saying "it's time to decide now," which is something I needed. I really didn't want to go. But I found that I even more didn't want to stay. The idea of letting the opportunity go was scarier than staying. I accepted the apartment.

So, looking back, the things that helped me were to get the process rolling and let that process pull me along. I really did have a choice at all points, so I wasn't "forced" to do anything, but it changed things from "I have nowhere to go" to "I could go."

Writing this, I feel stress flooding my body, remembering how I was feeling. But the thing is, I've been free of that stress for a long time. I don't have to deal with that anymore. My days are calm. If I could go back in time and talk to myself, I'd say that this was absolutely the best thing, that I had much to look forward to, that I would not regret it at all.

[hhaw]

Greenandblue:

Things to consider before filing or telling your husband you're leaving:

1.  Secure all important documents, family heirlooms, and precious items.....tax records, his pay stubs, SS cards, passports, bank info, evidence you have, children's pics/artwork, etc bc you may never see it again, otherwise.

2.  Open your own secret bank account......AND start a calendar with daily events.  Keep it simple.
Judges and attorneys appreciate good records, and evidence!!!!

3.  Write out your history with relevant timelines.....marriage, children's births, abuse, etc. Keep it succinct.....no details. Think broad strokes to inform attorneys quickly.

4.  Interview attorneys.  You can get referrals from people who know....like file clerks at courthouse in your County....from law clerks/secretaries and receptionists at criminal and civil law offices.....ask these people who they'd hire for themselves or their children IN YOUR COUNTY. You can just call, and ask.  Lots of people will understand or take a moment to share their knowledge, IME.

You want a competent attorney, who understands high conflict divorce involving PDs and child custody. Ex DAs often understand and "get it."

In any case, you should speak with the top referrals, bc you need to choose one who "gets it."Added value to interviewing many is...
your husband can't hire anyone you speak with.

4.  Only tell VERY trusted people about your plan to leave.  Maybe put your important things with them, for safe keeping. 

5.  Leaving your husband, before filing for divorce, means you can get your kiddos into therapy, a new routine, etc with fewer restrictions.  Judges like to keep routines in place, once divorce is filed. You don't want to be trapped in your home, with your husband after you file, IME.

In fact, once you've left, your mental health will likely improve according to how much distance you put between you and your husband, IME.  The perfect set up might be zero physical and verbal contact, with contact about the children happening over a family app designed for that communication.  Other posters use it.  They'll tell you how.

Don't speak to people who don't understand.  It's emotionally exhausting, and some people are dead set on misunderstanding you, and enabling your husband, IME.

Speak with the small group of people you trust.  Ask for help.

6.  Find a good trauma informed therapist for yourself. A therapist can help you learn coping strategies, and stay level while making big decisions, ime.

7.  Where will you go, when you leave?  It's good to have witnesses and protection. People around you, will help, IME.  Get yourself safe, before filing, esp if you're fearful your husband will harm you.  If he is violent, already, maybe an actual dv shelter is a consideration.  They'll have people who can walk you through options, and safety protocols.  I found regular attorneys to be dismissive of my fear, and at times, ridiculed it.

Once you have your ducks lined up, plan in place.....be prepared to limit your husband's access to you.  You'll be more stable, for your children, self, and the fight to come, IME.

You can do this, bc many in this board have done it, Greenandblue.

Getting out with economy of motion,expense and trauma, is the trick.  You don't have to suffer more when you can suffer much less, IME.

So..... research, start calendar, document, organize, and make an exit plan.....

posters here will show you what's up ahead, so do not fear.  Rather, do what you can do, and trust yourself....look your kiddos in the eye, be really present with them, connect mindfully, and attune.

It's going to be ok.