Just like clockwork

[Liketheducks]

It's october again.   I'm in that mind state where I want to hibernate for the rest of the year...just do the holidays with the family I created....and also feeling judgy with myself about that.   I really don't have it in me to invite my mom over for the holidays.   And, I also have no reason to NOT invite her other than it is bound to be more of the same.  She'll either be alone or celebrate with the favorite flying monkeys.   

Have things changed?   No.   Am I still expected to be the bearer of all the emotional labor?  Yep.   

I recognize this is a guilt I'm putting on myself.  My mom is doing nothing here.  Just sad.   

And also....where is everybody.   Seems like very little traffic lately.

[Rebel13]

Hi Liketheducks, so sorry you are having this annual/anniversary event. I hope you figure out what will work best for you. In my opinion, knowing that a visit will be "more of the same" is a great reason NOT to do it. But you have to do the thing you can live with.

I got some emails from Youtuber Richard Grannon recently (I'll post more about them in the Working on Us) section, but one thing he wrote about was the ingrained pattern that you mention. We don't even need other people to do the thing anymore, it's so grooved in that we do it to ourselves.

He mentioned giving ourselves permission NOT to follow the rule, e.g., the rule says, "You are responsible for taking care of everyone else's feelings" and I say back, "No, I'm not, that's not my rule, and I refuse to follow it." (Or, refuse to the best of my ability anyway.)

I'm trying this out in my life right now and it's ... interesting.

I hope you get some peace about this.

[moglow]

LTD, for what it's worth, my mother used to talk about holiday traditions as if set in stone, the way it should be done. I don't have a problem with the idea - only we never had them. There weren't big family gatherings, excited shopping trips, decorating the house and tree as a family, meal planning with everyone's favorite things, etc. What I remember was just another thing to get through. Griping about the mess. Being asked to make a list, for things that never remotely materialized. No parties with family and friends coming over. 

I remember later after we were all grown, visiting her and stepfather, just us three. Dad saw to it I was there, but my brothers weren't invited or mentioned. I'd leave there headed to be with nieces and nephews when Santa arrived., helping with their holiday dinners. 

Now? I try to see that I'm occupied. I usually join friends and whatever family is around at some point. More often than not I claim petsitting whether I am or not - it's an easy, understandable out. I can do my own thing wherever I happen to be. I've received a number of last minute -as in literally the day before- invitations from mommie dearest and I decline politely. I can be alone by myself, ya know? She acts like I've caused some offense by dating to be elsewhere, but no. No need to have her dragging me through it backwards! 

I share all that to say, I get it. I really do. I tend to get it through the holidays myself, making appearances or not, as I choose. I don't pretend, don't explain. The sheer peace of not having to try and manage her stuff is SO worth it. Set aside the guilt - you really do have uo out the oxygen mask on yourself first. 

Peace, friend.

[Liketheducks]

We love to travel....and honestly, this will be the first year in a few that we're not going to.  That was often our excuse.   Though, the phone lines between my house and mom's don't work in the same way.   

I keep trying to convince my body that my trepidation is enough to call it "sorry, it isn't a great time for us to host".   And it isn't.   The economy sucks, groceries are crazy expensive...and frankly hosting 20 people who may or may not break out in random violence or emotional manipulation or WW3 over politics....just isn't how I want to celebrate family togetherness.   Spending the days cooking for our little family...me, hubs, son, and his girlfriend while in my pajamas....sounds much better.    That terrible ingrained C-PTSD symptom of "I SHOULD be doing something"....is alive and well.   I'll count recognizing that a step ahead.   

[moglow]

Honey, make your own plans and go with them! You *should* look after yourself and those who look after you year round. 

[ChelseyTrombley]

I was recently faced with the decision to either do holidays with my mother or not, and I ultimately decided not to do to her cutting me off, even after I agreed to do Christmas at her house.

But I do understand how you're feeling because you don't wanna see her alone but you also know that it's not gonna be a fun time and it's gonna be the same old feelings.

There are times that I just look forward to all the new traditions that I can create for the holidays and the people that I do have in my life. But there's also moments of sadness when I realize I'm not having Christmas with my own family.

Both are really hard paths. I hope you find peace in your decision.