50 yr. marriage living with spouse who is undiagnosed PD

[Mad Dog]

I would like to hear from spouses who have been married to someone with uPD for a long time. My wife continues to be undiagnosed despite therapeutic intervention (limited on her part). How do you cope? Do you ever feel despair?

[square]

I don't know if anyone on this forum has been married to their PD spouse for 50 years, but many have been married for 20+ years (it's 25 for me, though I separated 2 years ago).

I notice you posted in the separated and divorcing section, but ask about how to cope. I wondered if you were considering separating or if you were looking to keep working on it. We have a subforum "Committed to Working On It," and if you post there, people will respond with the understand that your goal is to stay. We also have a "Chosen Relationships" forum which is agnostic in this regard, so if you are not sure if you are looking to leave or stay, that's a good place to signal that.

To answer your questions on coping and despair - for me, things kind of fell apart about 15 years into my marriage. There were problems before that but we did okay, but there was a period of time where everything just went sideways and it never recovered. I spent 8 years in daily despair. I felt like I was trying to swim with a dead body chained to my ankle. Coping was a huge task, and I probably couldn't even identify all the ways big and small I tried to do that. Some of it involved trying to carve out a safe room to live in. Some of it involved learning Medium Chill and Gray Rock (and when to use which) to reduce the chances of triggering an explosion. I read and posted here, and tried to read other material elsewhere. I did physical exercise, listened to music, tried to keep busy.

And finally, I left.

Are you thinking about leaving? I'm thinking you may have specific feelings about leaving at your particular age, and there may be generational values involved too (I assume you are a Baby Boomer). Furthermore, if your wife is BPD, you may be specifically worried about abandoning her, and how she might cope in that event, especially at her age. You might wonder what effect it will have on your adult children.

Feel free to share your specific worries and concerns. Sometimes just naming them is a big step, all by itself.

[Mad Dog]

Thanks Square for your response. You touched on a number of issues: age, leaving, abandonment, and effect on children. I currently feel hopeless and ask myself why should I continue. I love my wife and promised better or for worse when we married. Is leaving a failure? I am going to start therapy again with my therapist. Your response touched on so many issues I've contemplated.

[Seeking]

Hi Mad Dog,

Long term marriage that imploded. 20+ years. I promised all of everything and it almost took me out.  There are times that there is nothing that you can do.  It just doesn't work.  I came to that conclusion in my own path because of her behavior getting more and more severe, the abuse was also ramping up along with her spending sprees. Then at the end of it all which was two weeks long of daily fights, daily arguments, daily threats of self deletion it culminated in her getting arrested.  I knew then that there wasn't anything I could do because she didn't want to be saved, she didn't want my help. According to her I was the problem.  So while the protective order was in place I filed to start the divorce process.  Even now looking back there wasn't anything I could do except save myself.  Still dealing with the physical after effects.  Long term cortisol exposure does a number on the body. 

Hope this helps Mad Dog. 

[1footouttadefog]

I have been married 42 years.

Looking back I should have left at about 10-13 years when I realized there were issues that would never be resolved.  I decided to stay until I finished a college degree and had gone back to college to that end.

We got pregnant as later in life parents and I stayed. Things seemed good for many years with the kids then declined.  It was then I realized it was mental illness. 

Fast forward, We raised the kids and I thought I would make my exit.  He started to ha e dementia and is too far gone to make it on his own now.  I love with him as his caretaker and guardian, not a wife for many years now. 

My largest complaint at the moment is that he does not travel well and I cannot leave him alone. 

I am investigating respite options.