Relieved BPDh has a girlfriend

[phlox]

That's pretty much it - I'm relieved that my BPDh recently announced to me that he has a girlfriend. I've suspected it for a while but didn't say anything, I've just observed some changes in his behavior that have positively impacted me. We don't live together any longer, due to an outside circumstance we both agreed to and I have been able to maintain for 5 years now, but I've been extremely cautious about overtly moving toward divorce as the thought of co-parenting with him while divorced or divorcing sounds infinitely worse than how my life is structured now.

My strategy has been to allow him to feel in control, even though the reality is that he lives 2 hours away and is seen in person by our kids and myself, maybe 5 days a month. This has been a good, healthy dynamic both for me as well as our kids. In a previous post I believe I mentioned that our kids asked me to keep him from living with us again. They don't want him out of their life but they want to be LC, which they are.

I've noticed that in the last 6 months, I'm getting far fewer phone calls at odd hours and not as many multiple check-in calls each day. I've also experienced a more relaxed and respectful side of him. He's been more considerate and dare-I-say, KIND. It's quite an improvement from the contempt and stalking I was experiencing just a few years ago and even an improvement from a year ago when he insisted that I was miserable and "not normal" because I was living my life in a peaceful and simple manner away from him.

Now that the girlfriend is out in the open and it's become clear to him that I am accepting of it, he seems even more willing to maintain our marriage as it currently is, with us working well together on sharing expenses and the major milestones of parenting.

At the moment, I have no interest in pursuing a relationship of my own but I will not hesitate to do so if that changes. It will be interesting to see if his behavior changes once that time comes, or if he will feel secure enough in his life to accept it or choose to move on peacefully.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

[square]

Really happy to hear that things have settled and are working, at least for the time being. I do get being happy a girlfriend is in the picture. Before I left, I also had some thoughts about wishing my husband would find a girlfriend, though I do know that I might not have felt the same way if it had actually happened. The idea was just that a girlfriend would make him happier and take some of the pressure off. As it appears to have happened in your case.

Standing on the outside, I do have to throw out the possibility that this relationship may fall apart sooner or later and could throw a monkey wrench into the situation, such as him looking to you again to meet his needs and ramping up demands. Hopefully things remain stable, though.

Also, I assume you have considered what the opposite might bring - if the girlfriend becomes more entrenched, what might that mean for your joint marital holdings (if any), for example? Hopefully the girlfriend is not the manipulative type, but if she is, could she make a move to encourage your husband to take an outsized amount of marital property, or try to manipulate your children in some manner? Just throwing that out there. It might be best to just let things stay as they are, or you might start thinking about making the separation legal and final.

Like you, I'm separated but still married to my husband. I've started to think about what would happen if he got a girlfriend, hence some of the thoughts above.

[phlox]

Thank you as always, square, for responding to my post. I really value your thoughtful insights and suggestions.

There are definitely risks on both sides of the scenario - if she becomes more entrenched or if she leaves - and I've thought through the risks I can identify for each of those possibilities. There are very probably things I've not thought of, which is part of the reason I felt a pull to post here and get feedback from others. That, and just to have someone to talk to about this dynamic. I can't really discuss this with most people - they just look at me like I'm nuts. And not talking about it at all is quite lonely.

Brainstorm time!

If she becomes more entrenched:

Because we live in a country that is not our home country and not where most of our joint assets reside, the risk to marital property prior to a legal separation is lowered. We have one physical property in this country - this is the only active risk I see and it's a fraction of our overall shared assets. I don't think it would come into question but if it does, it would be a small price to pay for peace.

She's had no contact with our children thus far and he has resisted even telling them about her existence. It's a bit awkward for him because he still lives in the small town were we spent 10 years as a family unit, whereas the kids and I now live in a bigger, more anonymous city. The girlfriend is someone whose name we all know but not someone we've really met, except in passing at events. Most of our joint friends in the town are aware of her. I've cautioned him that his secrecy could backfire on him if our kids learn about her from mutual friends rather than him directly but for now, he is willing to take that risk. His general feelings of shame mean his M.O. is to hide everything he does. Friends only learned about her because someone stumbled upon them together. And gossip spreads like wildfire in small towns.

What are other risks if she becomes entrenched? FWIW, she seems like a kind, caring individual. There is a part of me that hopes she doesn't get damaged, while another part of me is just grateful it's not me anymore.


If she leaves:

His need for supply will definitely reignite the pressure he puts on me. I will again need to actively enforce my boundaries, which will be exhausting. But this just means going back to the status quo, which I think (hope) I can manage. Honestly, if I can make it out of the active co-parenting phase I think the boundary enforcement aspect will require less energy from me. And we are really only two years away from both kids in college using joint funds, which means there is a light at the end of the tunnel for holding this heavy door closed. I work with a therapist for my overall mental health, have recently put myself out there to expand my social circle a bit, and with the physical distance factored in, I think I can do that.

What are other risks if she leaves?

Let me know if you think of other scenarios, please, square. Based on what I know of you and your situation, we are in similar boats and you have given this a lot of thought, too.

[phlox]

I should also add that I've had moments where I've caught myself thinking "if he is like this all the time now, perhaps..." And I've struggled with the desire to have a normal, healthy relationship with him.

But I still have so much anger around how it was for so many years and fear of that coming back that I cannot even entertain the idea for long. I admit though, I do sometimes still grieve that it cannot be.

[square]

About the girlfriend, that all sounds good to me.

Your husband has resisted telling the kids. There is a chance things could change after inevitably this comes out, but the thing is, if the girlfriend is a big manipulator who was looking to leverage the kids, she surely would have met them by now, whether pushing your husband to arrange it or reaching out herself. Since she is, one way or another, letting him decide this, it seems less likely that she is going to make a power move on the children. Good.

As for the marital property, if as you say only a portion of it is potentially affected and you're okay with that if things go that way, it sounds like the risks are not too large (IANAL). I guess one risk is if YOU gain a fair amount of assets in the meantime, which would go in the pot to be split later. You might not want to let this go on indefinitely but perhaps you're okay to wait and see a while longer.

As for wondering about if he's like this all the time now. I think it's fair to say that his circumstances changed, but he didn't. So, for example, he might be getting a lot of feed and has escaped his responsibilities to you and the kids, so he seems nicer or whatever. But his personality hasn't changed, his ideas about what you owe him haven't changed, his ideas of how to handle conflict haven't changed. He just feels better right now, that's all.

My husband doesn't have a girlfriend but he's nicer to me too. But he's not fixed. He just can handle seeing me for 5 minutes a month. I'm not around when he is overwhelmed and I'm sure he still blames me for everything including his socks getting wet, but I almost never know about it, which is great. (About a year ago, he did share his thoughts with me, which was very helpful to break the spell, so to speak). I'm sure I'm also farther away from his mind, now, so he's not thinking about me as much. If I moved back in, I'm sure he'd make a very good effort for a while before it fell apart - which is something I've already experienced many times anyway. I found that him white-knuckling it, biting his tongue while he still felt the same ways, just wasn't enough for me. And those ideas are entrenched into the personality.

Yeah, I hear you on the grief. I spent about a year in a weird state of idealizing my husband - I knew I couldn't be with him but I still felt a strange way about him. He kind of popped that bubble for me eventually, and even that took about six months to process. I feel a lot better now, and more rational.

[phlox]

Oof. I'm now remembering a conversation that he and I had back in June/July timeframe when he asked me in a somewhat friendly manner when I was going to "get over it". I told him I'd never get over it in the way he expected me to.

He's never genuinely acknowledged, apologized, reflected, or come to grips with the damage he's wrought upon my emotional state. I doubt he can or ever will. Because of what you wrote in the paragraph below.

I really, really needed someone to give me this paragraph. It's made everything much more clear. You are 100% on it. Thank you so much, square.


And I'm glad to have your thoughts on the girlfriend risk assessment. I will observe and keep my antennae attuned for increasing risks. For now, it's doing what I'd hoped it would - keeping the pressure at bay.

As for wondering about if he's like this all the time now. I think it's fair to say that his circumstances changed, but he didn't. So, for example, he might be getting a lot of feed and has escaped his responsibilities to you and the kids, so he seems nicer or whatever. But his personality hasn't changed, his ideas about what you owe him haven't changed, his ideas of how to handle conflict haven't changed. He just feels better right now, that's all.

[1footouttadefog]

Protect your self financially.  Lock down your credit so he cannot use your credit history to make new joint accounts. 

It would be easy for a PD  to drain you dry for the sake of the new woman and leave you with the mess to clear up.