I don't know how to feel...

[Hathor]

Hi

I'm not sure where to start.

I've been married to my husband for 10 years (in love for 21 years) now and this year we suffered a miscarriage. That in itself was enough to destroy me, but then hubs and I had an argument (over a household chore) and I'm now seeing patterns in our arguments and I'm beginning to suspect he has a PD, or at least he's exhibiting some PD (narcissistic?) behaviors.

There's arguments that happen out of nowhere, he follows me and demands we get things straightened out ASAP when I want to walk away and gather my thoughts, then we talk in circles for a long time till I either get confused or forget my exact words that 'started' the fight, then he ends up bombarding me with apologies for him being a piece of sh!t (his words, never mine), cries, tells me he's just scared I will leave him, then I end up comforting him, I leave the argument asking myself if I am the problem, then the following day he will bombard me with gifts/treats and promises that he'll do better. Things get better then for a while, then I'll say something or ask the wrong question or set him off somehow and it starts all over again.

I'm still struggling to get past the loss of our baby, and now overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to move forward WITHOUT jumping on the divorce train. In the meantime I am having a hard time turning my brain off to get to sleep, I cry in the shower or when everyone else is asleep because I don't want to cry in front of him, my heart aches non-stop even though it's also kinda numb feeling, and I want to rewind time to when I was blissfully unaware of all of this.

I'm going to be finding a therapist in the area for myself at the very least, would love if he would join me but not going to hold my breath for that.

Yeah... that's where I'm at.

[xredshoesx]

sending peace to you tonight @Hathor on your loss.

trying to grieve and while figuring out some of the things you shared about someone you love all at the same time is a lot and I am glad you are reaching out in IRL too. 

something I noticed about my uPD ex- it was like it took him a whole lot longer to grow up and at the end of our 6 years I was tired of waiting for him to adult.  something the forum here helped me understand is I picked someone to 'fix' because I was taught to never put me first, but also at the same time  we replicated relationship patterns that were super unhealthy that I learned from my parent's abusive relationship.   I hope he got some help for the sake of his current wife and kids bc at his best he had a lot to offer the world....but he was too busy trying to hide that light and self medicating. 

you are both going through so much maybe grief counseling can be an add on for you both as well- it's layers of hurt and pain you are dealing with for sure.

when you look back at the past, were these patterns you saw in either of your homes as kids/teens?  sometimes people don't have a PD/uPD, but very poor coping skills based on unhealthy patterns in the family (like me).  it's a lot to process but it's a place to start working towards what you need in this relationship to help both your body and spirit to heal from your loss.

we're listening when you are ready