Anyone else decide not to "fight" for your inheritance?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Has anyone else has decided to walk away from litigating your parent's estate?

I dipped a toe into the water, and it seems to be a re-enactment of the scapegoating dynamic on a whole new stage.

My parents always said they wanted a 50/50 estate split between me and my sister. They had even given me copies of their trust and will. I figured however they may have disinherited me after I went no contact with my sister. I was OK it.

The monkey wrench came two months after mom died when I received a heavily redacted trust document from my sister's attorney. The attached "list of assets" was only one blank page with empty lines. A cover letter told me to sign and return it. I thought it was so overtly inadequate it was laughable.

I reluctantly hired an attorney to communicate on my behalf just to get clarity on missing details. A few months went by with email exchanges that only resulted in excuses, delays and eventually three vague dollar amounts that did not connect to anything.

Not to get into legal details, but I was advised that under local laws a trustee (my sister) has no legal obligation to disclose further details to any beneficiary (me). Instead, I have to take it upon myself to actually file a lawsuit to get a judge to order that my parent's bank can instead give access to the financial details that my sister withheld.   

In my view, there seems to be no self-monitoring mechanism that ensures a trustee follows the estate plans or uses financials for a parent's interest. It seems it can facilitate an exploitative individual. The only integrity appears to come when an outside individual, such as me, sees red flags, hires an attorney and then keeps funding all efforts. 

The train stops here and I get out.   

I literally feel like my sister is flagrantly waiving wrongdoing in front of my face and just sitting back knowing she has cover from the title of "trustee" and never being questioned by organizations. She even sold our parent's house and never disclosed it even though the value of it is on a public register. On the other hand, I raised concerns and was never automatically believed and felt gas-lit by my own attorney for even raising questions. I had no support from any entity. If I remained involved, I had to carry the burden of getting clarity on the actions of others. Sound familiar?   
             
I wish my parents had disinherited me, but I wonder if they could not overtly do it and this was a back-door way to achieve the same outcome.   
             

[Pinkos]

To answer your question, no. Both parents are still alive and I'm pretty sure they will disinherit me. But in reading the rest of your post and putting myself in your shoes, I think my will to fight would depend on how much I think my share would be. Of course you'd have to factor in the legal fees and taxes, what would you be left with after that? For a substantial amount, I would definitely fight it out in court. Just initiating the process would force your sister to also make some decisions cause it would lower what's in the pot for her as well if she has to pay legal fees out of the trust.

I would fire the current lawyer if he's not adequately advising and advocating for you. It may be worth it to pay (if it's affordable to you) for some good legal counsel before you decide either way. Do you know any geriatric social workers, hospice administrators or anyone else who has gone through something similar that can give you recommendations for good estate lawyers? I would do a consultation with 3 and pick the one you like the most. Also you may want to think about whether you need a lawyer who has the disposition of an a**hole to make your sister think twice about fighting dirty. Good luck!

[Adria]

I didn't fight for my inheritance. I actually told my father to disinherit me just so we could have peace in our lives. I got tired of him dangeling money over my head all the time, and he had lots of it.  My sisters got everything.  Honestly, I could care less.  To me,  it would just drag me back to a place I fought very hard to get a way from. Do they owe me for all the he!! they put me through? Yes? But, they can live with what they have done.  I'm just glad I got out in one piece.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I wish my parents had disinherited me,but I wonder if they could not overtly do it and this was a back-door way to achieve the same outcome.

I think this is the most important part of your post. If you want to be done, and that's best for you, that is what matters, whatever your sister's shenanigans or desires or whatever your legal options are. If in your heart of hearts, getting off the train is the best thing for you and brings you the most peace, go for it. There truly is no amount of money that can compensate for the lack of love over your lifetime. Your parents chose your sister as trustee and now the consequences of that choice, and many choices, are playing out.

You and your sister are each getting what you want. Funny karma that.

I don't doubt the trustee being able to just pretty much do as she likes, and that "list of assets" totally seems like a big middle finger. I'm sorry you've experienced that. It does seem however to me that there is nothing new here, nothing to be fixed, just final proof of the injustice that has always been there in your assigned role in your family.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry this is where it has landed.  I know several folks in similar situations, where a sibling is exploiting the inheritance.  One was a woman who was her parents care taker for over a decade.  Now her brothers are stealing the estate and won't even reimburse her for orthotic shoes and glasses and such she had bought for her father while he was in assisted living. They say she did not ask permission first. 

I was executor for my brothers estate and because of his messed up second wife, it took seven years to close things out.  He picked me to protect his adult kids.

I handled a friends estate and it was pretty well setup in that it was cash in an account I jointly held.  I could have simply cleared the account and his clothes and bedroom furniture would have been all he owned.  Instead I decided the money by percentage as the will directed.  I sent everyone their check along with a copy of the will.  I highlighted the part that said all joint accounts belong to the joint owner. 

One of the 9 people wrong a thank you note acknowledging I did not have to send them any money.  Two sent letters or called asking about other possible assets like grave sites in his old hometown, or family heirlooms etc.  they were there to take what they wanted when he sold his house so they had a chance and knew what was what. 

It's amazing how inheritance and what seems like free money can make people aweful.

I hope that you find life abundant and joyful despite your sister's actions. 

[JenniferSmith]

I have known many people who have gone through very messy family dynamics after someone dies.  It can be extremely stressful and prolonged. 

And I think you are right, the sad truth is that unless other beneficiaries have the funds, time, and energy to contest how the executor of the trust/estate is doing things, there are few guardrails against someone who wants to abuse their power.

I think it comes down to a simple question - how much money and energy to you want to invest in this?

If there is enough money on the table, it might be worth it (to you).  Or you might feel more peace by deciding to just completely drop the rope, letting go of any thoughts about what could or should have been.

When my en-father passed, I wasn't sure what to expect. He had a decent amount of assets. To my pleasant surprise and shock, which I only found out after he died (because he refused to communicate anything with me), rather than naming one of his children or other family members as his executor, he named a fiduciary estate mgmt company. 

What this meant is that I did not have to interact with my siblings or any other family members at all after he died. If my sibling had been named, I can only imagine what they would have put me through. My sib is a selfish, angry, controlling person. I would never trust them to act fairly.

My en-dad put me through a lot over my life due to his extreme passivity and conflict-avoiding nature. But he loved me too, and was good in other ways.  One of the best things he ever did was to hand his estate over to professionals. I am deeply appreciative.

I would not have the money or the energy to wage a legal fight against my sibling. And I know it would be hard to walk away completely. So I understand your dilemma, and I feel for you.