BP parent still trying to maintain control

[ChelseyTrombley]

Its so defeating and mentally exhausting, dealing with a parent with borderline personality disorder. My mom cut me off about three months ago over a disagreement about Christmas plans. My dad had seem to limit his contact during this time too.

I was finally able to meet with him at work so we could discuss it in person. Basically my mother will divorce my dad if he has too much contact with me. The rules that she has said is he cannot come over to my house without her. He cannot give any presents or provide any favors for me. The only thing he can really do is text me or call me from time to time.

My father is in a sticky situation because obviously he doesn't want a divorce, but he also still wants a relationship with me. My father did ask if I would be willing to talk to my mother. I did express that if she did reach out to apologize then that would be a start, of course I haven't heard anything. but my stipulations were I'm not gonna listen to her insult me, argue with me or use phrases like I'm just the worst mother in the world.

I feel relief that I still have a relationship with my father and that my mother decided not to reach out because it has felt better, not having her in my life. It's hard not to look back on this and think how controlling this whole situation is.

I was initially upset because I wanted to invite my dad to my engagement party, but of course ultimatum was she has to come. But the more I look at the situation I'm realizing that having my parents come over for 30 minutes is not the vision that I had for this. In a perfect world, I would've wanted us to party all night long.

My dad also realize how much of a mental and physical toll that has taken on me to the point that he said no contact is worth it. The real reality is that she would want daily phone calls and text, and there would be an expectation to see each other fairly often. Even when I was limited contact with her, I was still having severe anxiety. I don't see a way this would ever work without me, sacrificing my happiness and my health. I think my mother would just use the silent treatment every time that she didn't get her way.

Does anybody else feel like our stories could be an episode of Jerry Springer lol

[Call Me Cordelia]

I sometimes used to think I must actually be living in some bizarre mashup of The Truman Show and Jerry Springer. It can't be real and everyone's in on the joke but me. Except the violence against me was no joke.

That's beyond awful that your mother is so controlling. You say your dad sees, and yet...

My mother is the same, and my FIL. They cry how terrible it is but then turn around and tell you to get back in line. Enablers are almost as bad as the primary perpetrators. I've come to conclude my mother is not any safer for me than my father, because she will ALWAYS be on his side.

If I understand you correctly, in the same conversation your father asked if you'd be willing to talk to her in the hopes of easing him being stuck between a rock and a hard place, that is, get her ultimatum done that they are a package deal as far as you're concerned, AND acknowledged that NC has been a positive thing for you and the severity on your health contact with your mother has had.

To put it crassly, your dad is going to have to get off the fence because he's crushing his balls. Your mother has divided you such that he really has to choose a side. Only he can make that choice.

[bloomie]

The real reality is that she would want daily phone calls and text, and there would be an expectation to see each other fairly often. Even when I was limited contact with her, I was still having severe anxiety. I don't see a way this would ever work without me, sacrificing my happiness and my health. I think my mother would just use the silent treatment every time that she didn't get her way.

This reads as hard won wisdom, Chelsey.  My sincere hope for you is that you can keep this perspective going forward. The emotional, physical, spiritual toll it requires of us to attempt to placate a mother who would ruthlessly divide a daughter from her father and discard through repeated emotional cut offs when displeased is often just to high to keep paying.

Only you can sort through the level of contact and relationship you are able to continue with your father. My own father was very much like yours - he would not stand up for his children because of the discomfort and potential loss to himself. He was 'the long suffering good guy' and my own mother the 'problem'. Their dynamic was complex and dark and an abyss if one got to close to it.

Go gently forward and keep your focus on building your one beautiful life and your wellbeing!