Nov. ... Mentions of Thanksgiving

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Holidays through new glasses.  I was recently diagnosed and treated for cancer which had started to spread.  Prognosis uncertain.  I once had a family.  We did family things together, dinners sometimes or other events we were all interested in, supported each other at times. It was fun and fulfilling and seemed to matter to the others, too.  In recent years there was a PD-led falling apart of all of that.  Then some coming together with my diagnosis and recent surgery and talk of Thanksgiving together.  

Now those plans have changed again and T-Day with family is off.  I've been invited to a friend's house, which will be with her family, and I plan to go, though I'm not really a part of that family and I don't know how long I'll stay.

I feel somewhat sad, which is okay.  But what I want to change is how this all tends to make me feel about myself.  This is not happening because I don't matter (even if I don't to certain people), or because I'm not enough or did something terribly wrong.  It's not happening because it's what I deserve.  I've been very loving and generous and understanding with all of them.  It just is, bc it's the nature of what happens sometimes with PDs and their enablers.

I want to offer to myself the very best TLC I have to give.  To that little kid inside who was hurt so much growing up with PDs and is hurting again and kinda scared. I don't want her tormented by stories of how rejection and aloneness are all her fault.   I want her to get the very best of my love.  So that's my intention this holiday season.

[bloomie]

Lookin 2 B Free - your intention toward yourself is moving! Brought me to tears. May you hold little Lookin 2 B Free close and offer her comfort, hope and so much love! Thinking of you during the holiday season. Spending T-day with people who simply want to enjoy you and include you sounds perfect!