How to recover from narcissistic abuse?

[ines6375]

I was in a relationship with someone for a year, let's call him M. We were both doing the same hobby. The first few months were wonderful. Then one day I got invited by someone else I knew for a weekend. It was a friendly invitation. We, me and M, had talked of seeing each other but no plans had been made and he was not sure he would be able to. I told him I wish to go on the weekend with the other person who was someone famous in the hobby (they know each other and he knew the other person was purely friendly). He hung up on me and sent me a break up email. I was shocked and I cried for a week. Then he came back. This patterns repeated with more or less intensity close to 20 times. Sometimes it was not a break up, it was just him blocking me or refusing to talk or see me for few days because he was frustrated about something. As time passed I became afraid of him and started being more passive and withdrawn. And he became more angry. As we saw each other less and less, he started imagining that I was seeing other people, and he would become angry for no apparent reason and cut me off more and more often. He said he felt rejected without seeing all the hurt he had caused me. I never got an acknowledgment or apology or anything. When he would withdraw, he would post on a common group hurtful things like he was going to sell things he had promised me, or posting how happy he was being rid of me. We had other incidents where he withdrew and then I would feel hurt and when we would see each other I would feel down and he would say I cause turmoil, I hold grudges, he never had so many issues so early in a relationship. Anyway after the 20th time when he broke up with me with more harshness than usual, he tried to come back and I said we can be friends but I am not getting back together. He said ok but tried to pressure me to get back together, alternating between coldness, jabs and seduction. One time he asked me if there is hope we will ever get back together, and tired of the pressure I said I don't think so because I don't see that he has changed and I have been hurt too much. He said that he never wants to see me again then, that his feelings for me are too strong, and he can't stand seeing me if he can't have me. He called me crazy. He posted indirect jabs online on a group chat while giving me the cold shoulder and advertising how wonderful his life is for months, sometimes he would post something sad about himself which felt like a bid for attention. I did not respond to any of it. It has been 6 months now. And I miss him. When we were together things were often very good. I know he is not good for me and he seems to have moved on. I still feel very affected when he posts something online. Yesterday he posted a request for help on the group chat. I offered help and he declined very coldly and retracted his demand for help. It hurt me. How can someone who pretended to love me so much can treat me like this?

A few months later, another guy in the same hobby pursued me intensely. He knew the first guy and positioned himself as a white knight, told me the other guy was a narcissist, he is different. He kept talking on and on how he helps everyone but nobody is ever grateful and he keeps being abandoned. He said he wanted to be there for me. For two months he called me every day, could not get enough of me, made me all sorts of promises, wanted to see me. I felt that we could talk about anything and we talked for hours. And then out of nowhere after two months, he started getting angry at me for small things. For example I contradicted him on a fact related to our hobby, or if I was not ready to leave on time to go somewhere when I visited him, I insisted to clean his pantry full of expired food, or I opened up about some of my difficulties while he wanted to watch tv. Over the next few weeks, he called me manipulative, controlling, needy, an emotional life raft, said that I know nothing, that I better learn English, that I am defiant and off putting, ... I was shocked. After that he turned cold and harsh on me without breaking up, with some rare moments of lukewarm. He said me talking about my feelings is a turn off, that I don't really have feelings for him as I don't know him, that he is a rebound, and that my attitude has caused his feelings for me to decrease. He said that I expect him to express his undying love with every breath and that it is a turn off. He seemed to get angry at me more and more often. Two weeks ago he got some very bad news about his health. One week ago I asked to call him to talk on the phone some day and he said he would rather not. I feel completely shattered. Now he is posting on Facebook incessantly jokes, political rants, science videos and all sorts of random things. He seems unbothered, at least about our relationship. I imagine he is feeling the blow of his health issues too but that does not explain everything. I suspect he is a communal narcissist or covert narcissist based on his attacks on my character, lack of acknowledgment of his impact and his anger issues, the punishment by silence and withdrawal when I expressed a need or feeling or talk about the way he treated me, his one sided expectations regarding the relationship, his lack of empathy, and how everything was about his needs.

I feel really broken down by these relationships and don't know what to do. I understand intellectually narcissism but deep inside it does not make sense to me. I am feeling depressed, with no emotional strength, and I don't know what to do to get better. I have talked to a therapist at 7 cups but she does not seem to get it. I have also tried talk therapy where I am being told that they are not nice people and to let it go, but this is not helping me. I am not sure how to get better. I obsess about the relationships. I miss them, especially the first one, but they are both rejecting me and I don't have the courage to try to mend either relationship. I feel really broken down inside, my self esteem is feeling really low, I have a hard time functioning in the morning, I have a hard time socializing or getting anything done. I feel degraded. I gave them so much love, energy, attention and got so hurt in return, with no empathy. I don't know what to do to get better, feel stronger, just be able to function. I feel depleted.

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry to read about your painful experiences.  They have many things in common with so many stories I have read here and have experienced myself. Know you are not alone.

I see some similarities between the two relationship experiences you have told us about.  You did not believe it when they showed you who they really were early on.   

I think this is a common theme among nons. We have something about is that allows us to ignore, or justify, or deny or somehow minimize or normalize red flag behavior and treatment. 

This is often because of our own family or origin or other dynamics growing up. In some regard our red flag detectors are not up to par in many cases.

I encourage you to hang out here and learn as much as possible.  Read the other stories, ask questions and read the resources and the tool box.

There is a 100 traits list.  It's sort of a list of types of abuse.  Some more subtle than others that are found among both nons and PD people.  It was life changing for me when I found it because it gave me words for things I knew were wrong but did not have language for. I could then learn more and understand and find tools for dealing with things.

Another important thing that can happen in your coming Out of the FOG journey is understanding yourself and why you feel attracted and drawn toward these folks.  Why the allure overrides your gut telling you it's not best.

I have healed enough that I still feel the pull, it even feels good still but I reject it.  As soon as I feel the narc magnet, I have alarms bells ringing telling me to step back, that the snake is gorgeous but venomous, or at least to step back and slow down enough the make sure if it's a narc or not. 

Slowing things down gives time to see and hear how the other treats you and others and to reveal red flags.  If someone is love bombing or moving fast, I slow down more.  PD people so  often depend on love bombing and rapidly and intensely enmeshing that merely keeping a slow pace will filter many bad people from your life. This is where recognizing the pull and stepping back is one of my most useful tactics

I hope you find your self on a better path soon.