What next?

[escapingman]

Ok, 3 weeks out and no contact, my nervous system is settling down a bit. But, now the real fight starts, despite me having all the evidence in the world no one seems to take me seriously. Just got an update from social services, who has visited uNPDx, GC and uNPDmil. I was told there were no concerns at all for GC and that the house was very nice and everyone were nice and friendly. Are people that easy duped? Of course uNPDx and uNPDmil can charm the pants of anyone. It's not like they were going to rage and scream when the social worker was there. Apparently GC was lovely and a really good child, of course she would in front of a social worker with her mum in the room next door. Why do I have the feeling all this will be turned around and I will be the bad one. I know uNPDx way to well to know how she can stand and smile and charm anyone just slag them off to high heaven the second the back is turned. To put extra salt in the wounds, the secretary managed to tell uNPDx about the court application she has not yet been served. I just want to go to bed.

[justducky]

Just got an update from social services, who has visited uNPDx, GC and uNPDmil. I was told there were no concerns at all for GC and that the house was very nice and everyone were nice and friendly. Are people that easy duped?

Yes and no.

Social services may have suspicions that all is not well at uNPDmil's house, but have nothing to act on. I had a similar experience where I called the cops on my raging uPD father. When the cops showed up, they found nine-year-old me in tears, uPD father wearing his "Everything is fine" mask, and enMom standing stony-faced and silent behind him. Even though I could see the cops' sympathy in their expressions, there was nothing they could do. So they left.

It seems like you'll have to battle this in court. That sucks, but thankfully you have lots of evidence.

I'm glad your nervous system is settling down. Not living in chaos is blissful!

[escapingman]

I am tired, but some more progress and finally the court orders has been signed and uNPDx is not allowed near the house and not allowed to speak to me other than strictly child related issues. She keep singling SG out but I am taking over bit by bit, it's a lot but I am getting there. SG and I are getting really close and I can really see how she appreciate what I am doing for her. She is still struggling with a few things but she is so happy now compared to a month ago, it's like she is a different child. That makes me happy as well and makes it worth everything. I have started to tell some people about the divorce (not the abuse yet) and I am building a support network. One of the parents of a friend of SG offered to have SG whenever needed and for us to just come and talk. I have still not decided how much I am going to tell people, but very soon I will be questioned by neighbours etc where she has gone (it's a very nosy neighbourhood). I have no loyalty to her anymore which makes it easier.

[escapingman]

She really us freaking me out, just came across her on a swap over with kids activities and she started blowing kisses to me. Only caught a second of it but she looked worn down. But it just confirm her disorder even more.

[justducky]

She really us freaking me out, just came across her on a swap over with kids activities and she started blowing kisses to me. Only caught a second of it but she looked worn down. But it just confirm her disorder even more.

She's a piece of work, all right.

As the Chump Lady says, narcissists have three channels: charm, rage, and self-pity. Apparently STBX was set to charm today.

[square]

Or just looking like a sweet victim for the audience.

What kind of man leaves such a wonderful kiss-blowing wife, amirite?

[escapingman]

Definitely think it was a show for GC so she could show that I am the bad one, again..... That I threw them out of the house, that evil man....

[justducky]

Good points, square and EM.

[Lauren17]

Hi EM
I wanted to say that I'm right here with you. I'm several months out of the marital home. But I'm right at the beginning of  a custody evaluation that uNPDxh demanded! 
And so far? They've really found nothing to worry about. I'm so frustrated. And it's making me second guess my reality.
Remember, that divorcing a PD is a marathon. Not a sprint. Take care of yourself.
I want I go back to bed to hide, too.

[pushit]

A year ago my exPDw had two extended mental health holds (12 days and then 6 days a month later).  I filed an emergency order to restrict parenting time and was headed towards supervised parenting for her.  The initial order was granted for two weeks, then we had the hearing.  The court would not allow anything to be discussed about her potential diagnosis or where she was held (due to HIPAA laws) and the judge quickly ruled that we go back to 50/50.  It was basically like "well, she's here today, so she must be fine".  It's infuriating when you realize how clueless the courts are, and how helpless we are to protect our kids.

I think a better strategy is to play the long game.  Three years ago I was in the whirlwind that you are in now.  I was trying to convince therapists that exPDw was the issue without really saying it.  I was trying desperately to help my kids, it didn't work very well at first.  Over time, the outsiders are on my side now.  They don't say it, but I know it based on their actions.  The schools, the therapists, the sports coaches....they come to me with their questions.  This has been proven over time by me being consistent and stable, while exPDw has given different answers on different days and has had her blowups that damage her credibility.

Sadly, I recommend that you don't look to the courts and social services to solve the problems for your kids.  They are just a tool to get you out of the bad situation now, but they will not solve everything in the long run.  It will only come from you, over time, as you establish trust with all the outsiders that are limited participants in your situation.  And I can tell you that the end result is well worth it.  When you see your kids' personalities return, you will know what I mean. 

[escapingman]

I read through the agreement we both signed, it's actually better than I first thought. uNPDx is not allowed to contact me at all (except for things directly related to the children's welfare), I am not allowed to contact her either but I have no desire to do that anyway, This will hopefully give me all the peace I need to regroup and think about what I want with life and what to do. I am still not grasping the fact she is out of the house and not coming back, it's almost like I won a million pounds on the lottery and not knowing what to do with the money, I don't know what to do with the time. I have so much time suddenly, where did that come from? I have already noticed I have put much more hours into work, before I was just ruminating not being able to schedule meetings and busy trying to avoid any meetings when I could see problems with uNPDx being around. One thing though that is hard, it always was, is SG doesn't like being on her own, at all. This means everything I do, she comes with me, most of the times it's fine but I have no time for any evening activities such as going to the gym or a walk on my own. But, it's a price I am very happy to pay. She will grow up and manage in the future.

I am starting to realise I am in a losing battle about custody, the kids are probably old enough to be deemed able to make their own decisions by a court and I have no trust they even understand the alienation uNPDx is doing. It kind of hurt when the social worker reported back to me what a wonderful house uNPDmil had and how happy they all where there and there were no reasons for concerns and that GC is such a lovely girl and I should be proud having so wonderful girls. I wonder if she had even put the keys in the engine of her car before she was slagged off by both uNPDx and uNPDmil in front of GC. uNPDx won't be happy with the social services poking into our lives, or the girls talking to secretaries in school. As I have parental rights, uNPDx doesn't need to agree to things I agree with social - which is a relief. Next time I speak to them I will ask about therapy for the girls and if they can arrange that as well as talking to the secretaries.

I am slowly dragging myself through this, I am looking to the future with hope, but I am still very much in the mud although no longer in the FOG.

And last thing, has it been worth going through hell to be where I am now? Hell yes, 100%.

[square]

Pushit's experience is valuable.

You're doing great.

Is your work situation flexible enough to sneak to the gym during school hours some days? Try to build a little alone time in while she's away. Also maybe a weekly playdate with a friend could work out. I know all about needing a bit to myself here and there.

[escapingman]

Is your work situation flexible enough to sneak to the gym during school hours some days? Try to build a little alone time in while she's away. Also maybe a weekly playdate with a friend could work out. I know all about needing a bit to myself here and there.

My work is very flexible so there will be no problem to do things during daytime, currently I am working from home. Only reason I haven't been able to do gym etc is the workload has increased, mainly due to uNPDx being out of the house and I can just get on with it. I am not going to try to change to much now with the summer holiday soon coming up, but after that I hope to sort routines and all things depending on what has happened. Talking about playdates, SG already arranged on for tomorrow with one of her friends, she is old enough to sort most of this herself. But I have some business travel I either need to find someone (obviously not uNPDx) to have SG for a few days, or else I have to cancel it. This is the tricky bit as I don't want to lose work because of the short term issues. Longer term I should be able to build a network that can help or be paid for when this happens. It's tricky as I have no family around here and most friends are very new (since I came Out of the FOG).

I think uNPDx is going all victim, that will suit me,  she has started to change her address to her mums and most likely also told the council she is not living here anymore. I am not sure what all this mean legally, but to me it means she has cut this house off and she won't look back. If that's the case, there is more peace coming my way....

Thanks for everyones support, I never mentioned you in my last post pushit but thanks alot for your post which is directly related to my issues.

[pushit]

I think you're going to be just fine.  Based on your posts, your head is in a much better place than mine was when I filed.  I'm getting back to loving life, and just know that you will be there in time.  I think back now to three years ago, and I remember all the anxiety and PTSD I had.  When I think about it now, I just laugh, shake my head and think "man, that's no way to live".

Regarding your upcoming work trip - I received some great advice from Penny Lane and a therapist a couple years back.  Don't push straight forward to find a solution, come in through the side door.  Example - My exPDw often over-schedules the kids, so I can't possibly get them to all their activities.  She then comes in and offers to help shuttle them during my parenting time.  That's a non-solution, as it just means she interjects herself and takes over my parenting time.  A ride to an activity also turns into dinner and park time, and then they go to the activity and get back to my house an hour after bedtime with a random excuse as to why they were late.  All the while, no one responded to my text messages asking where they are.  I say all this just to let you know - don't fall into this trap.  If you have a scheduling issue, there are plenty of options out there like ride services, nannies, etc to help you manage things without depending on the exPDw.  It's not beneficial to try and work with the PD, it just leads to problems.  The best thing I've found is to work around the PD, involve them as little as possible and keep as much distance as possible to retain peace. 

Peace and a lack of drama is where you'll find happiness again.  Cheers bud, you've got this.

[escapingman]

I sent a message to GC trying to see if I can see her, she actually replied, but she said she is to hurt to see me and SG. If she is hurt, that me and SG had enough of the abuse, I can only think that is because uNPDx has projected her feelings of hurt onto GC and that she has to carry all the emotions uNPDx refuse to carry herself. I can't push her and I need to play the long game, I just told her the door will always be open for her and she is welcome to see me whenever she wants. It hurts, but I get it and I don't blame GC one bit, she is just a victim in all this and is currently the primary source for uNPDx.

Regarding what you wrote pushit, there is no way I would ever ask uNPDx for help with anything. At the moment, unless some option through friends pop up, I will just cancel the trip. SG and the progress at home comes way before work, it's not ideal to turn down work, but sometimes you just need to prioritise.

I am meeting with my solicitor next week to discuss the next steps regarding finances and the children. I am not sure if I want to stay in the house or move and start completely new. I am sure uNPDx would make it difficult for me to stay, but I need to figure out my preferred option. If I forget any obstacles, do I want to stay or start over? I think there are to many memories in the house that could haunt me, so leaning towards buying somewhere new. But at the same time the house and garden is great for the kids and staying would upset their world a little bit less. I also had a lot of plans and dreams about this house that uNPDx never let me do, it kind of would be liberating to stay and fulfil all of that. For example, I wasn't even allowed to plant one plant in the garden without it being approved by her, and if it was chosen by me it was the wrong plant.

Thanks for all support, it really makes a difference to have you all here to talk to.

[hhaw]

EM:

Prioritizing the girls and their safety, at every turn, will pay off in you'll be disproving fewer negatives, IME.

Perhaps your father can come during a time you really need someone staying with SG?  I know yu said you can count on her friend's family to step up for childcare...... is your father a good choice?

[escapingman]

hhaw, this is a difficult one. My father is not really available for this kind of help, to be honest he is pretty useless. He surprised me and came to see me in the immediate emergency, but he left as quick as he came when I had hoped and expected him to stay for longer.  With all my family living in a different country and short notice travel is expensive none of them are really an option for child care help.

For friends and friends of SG, they might help, but I really don't want to call on them at the moment. I will most likely cancel my work trip, in the big scheme it is not an important one. But if any of them offer, I will take it, but I won't push for it. Before anyone have SG for a night or two, I would need to brief them though and tell them to not under any circumstance let uNPDx come and take her. It's not a real issue as it is most likely only one trip during the entire summer so whatever is done it will only be a one off.

I am felling quite good right now, SG keeps telling me and showing me how much she loves me. I think she really is feeling the stress from the abuse is subsiding, I can see her like she is a different child than a month ago. So much calmer and happier.

[square]

One suggestion I have is to get her friends over to your house for playdates and then overnights.

If you habitually host them, it's easier to have reciprocation.

Also you being available to help others in a pinch goes a long way too - like if school is dismissed early unexpectedly one day for weather, you can be available to get other kids while picking up yours.

[escapingman]

One suggestion I have is to get her friends over to your house for playdates and then overnights.

If you habitually host them, it's easier to have reciprocation.

Also you being available to help others in a pinch goes a long way too - like if school is dismissed early unexpectedly one day for weather, you can be available to get other kids while picking up yours.

Yep doing that already, although taking it a bit slow with overnights as I am very wary of me being a male and SG's friends being young girls and you never know what people think. But SG had a play date here today, they spent all afternoon playing with me being able to get on with cleaning and laundry. I am always picking SG from school and also take her friends as well whenever they want a lift. I do this with no motive, I just want to help but if I get some help back that's great.

[square]

Perfect!