The Quest for Peace

[pipchick]

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=82315.msg719754#msg719754

New thread!

I have to, because it's that day. Time is 5.05am. I didn't sleep much on the settee.

At this point, I think my best bet is to go out nice and early, anywhere, just so that she thinks nothing interesting is going to occur in the hope that she'll actually sod off to work or wherever.

If it doesn't work, at least I'll have tried to get her out of the way.

So, asda for bread it is.

[pipchick]

PeanutButter, I'm so glad that you're happier now, and I'm just sorry you had to go through something like this too. I named the thread thinking of achieving what you have done.

[Outsiderchild]

Please remember you are not alone as this day plays out.  You have hundreds, if not thousands of us all wishing you health, strength, and happiness.  You do not have to do this perfectly, or in the way you have imagined it playing out.   Anyway you end up getting free will be a good way.   Even if it all blows up, tonight you will lay your head down and sleep in peace and safety.

And if you do end up staying another night, that isn't a failure either.  That's just strategy.  You are on your way out there whatever the path ends up being. 

[NumbLotus]

I'm thinking you're moving RIGHT NOW 

I'm hoping your mother went to work and it went off without a hitch.

[pipchick]

Thank you, OutsiderChild and NumbLotus... i read your messages while I was on my way back to the house from my flat. It helped a lot. I've got overtired and stressed and a lot of terror and guilt has been having its way with me.

So... my mother went out, and so she doesn't know anything has happened. At this point now, I am pretty much set up. I will go and organise my stuff in the new room/flat thing tomorrow. Then all I am maintaining the sham for is because on tuesday morning, my piano teacher will pick up my digital piano and put it upstairs at his shop. I'll be able to go practice there when he is in giving lessons, which is totally awesome of him. That day I will also take down my desktop pc, which is in the lounge, and leave a letter to say that I have moved.

The "moving" company stressed me out. I don't drive, and I'm pretty isolated, which is why I needed one. They put their price up from £160 to £220 when they arrived, then when they had the stuff, this guy says to me: "How are you getting there?" (blinks) Unfortunately, it was just one hole in the dam wall too many at that point. I'd been doing a pretty good job of letting the fear and guilt come and go, but after that I really couldn't get back into that confident, assertive space.

Tomorrow will be better.

[Psuedonym]

Hi pipchick,

I hope your move is going as smoothly as possible! I was reading your earlier post about the times you've lived away before and it was so similar to my own story. I have called it psychological Munchausen by Proxy in the past and I think that's accurate. Basically you raise a person who is clinically depressed and full of self-hatred and anxiety, who's 'role model' was someone full of self-loathing, self-pity, defeatism and bitterness, and then when they fail to become healthy, functioning adults, you pat yourself on the back about how supportive you're being despite all their 'problems'.
(that you created).

I can tell you that the further I got away from Negatron, the healthier I became. Despite a later start than most people, I now have a great career, an awesome house, a horse, and just last month I got married to my often mentioned on this forum SO. He has been heroic in his standing up to Negatron and is all around wonderful. I went NC with Negatron a year ago, and my life has been improved even more since then.

You can do it, too! Everybody on this forum is rooting for you. You will have doubts and it will be tough at first, but you're taking a huge step in terms of your happiness and healthiness.

[Psuedonym]

I just read your latest post, pipchick! Moving is unnerving and stressful at the best of times–there's something about moving all your stuff to a new place that is really unsettling– and you are not experiencing the best of times. But you've done the hardest part! Give yourself a big ol' pat on the back for taking this huge step!

[pipchick]

Thank you so much, Pseudonym!

This forum is so great for spreading hope, and I can't say just how amazing it is for the newcomer to learn there's a life out there beyond. A good life.

I slept on the settee last night because I'd taken my bed apart, so I didn't sleep well, then the move. I'm just overtired. Tomorrow I am sure I'll be striding around town again, marvelling at my new, clearer world like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail with a coffee in hand.

There are doubts, but they still don't have the upper hand. If she cared she'd have talked to me by now. That's how I have to think. I'm sad that it's come to this, but it has come to this, and that's not my fault in any way at all. I can't have the relationship with her that I want, because she isn't that person. No matter how long you look at a penny and wish, it'll never change to a pound.

[NumbLotus]

I know how it is to be chugging along as best as I can and then something or someone lets the air out of my tires. 

But you did it/are doing it, you're not running on flats, just need a little time to heal from today and get back to where you were.

You can get in and out of your room without your mother noticing everything is gone?

The rest sounds like a PLAN.

[Psuedonym]

back!

So many people helped me on this site, it makes me happy if I can help anybody a little bit.

One thing to be prepared for is that your M might not react in the way you expect her to...she might rage out or go into victim mode but she 'might' also realize that her supply is going away and say whatever she thinks you want to hear in the moment. She 'might" say she's going to change and didn't realize how you felt, etc. (Mine's not capable of this but it doesn't mean yours isn't more clever). However she reacts, you know that you're doing the healthiest thing for yourself. Just be prepared for any and all manipulative responses.

You're doing great!

[pipchick]

NumbLotus: yes, I can get in and out of my room. She tried to ridicule me into giving up the lock but it didn't work. Now she doesn't mention it. Ahh... it is a plan. One that has as little drama as possible. Remember what you just told me the next time you feel that way. You are doing it too. When you feel that way, you too just need a little time

Psuedonym: you really do. All of you here. I'm looking forward to a time when this is behind me, and I've improved things, and I can pass that hope right back to the next lot of newcomers. We heal and grow together then. Instead of passing on that negativity, we can say look! There is a way out, and it's okay

Right now I am prepared for anything from screaming to tears, to "right, well, see you later then" (because I'm convinced if she thinks that will hurt me most she will do that)

[Andeza]

I'll second that. More than likely your M will say something to the effect of "But you've been so happy here! I had no idea you were upset about anything!" When... you've straight up told her before.

[NumbLotus]

Pipchick, I appreciate your words more than you know.

[pipchick]

Thank you, Andeza.

NumbLotus, I keep thinking about your words there, and it really is such a clear example of how hard we are on ourselves. Have compassion for yourself. You will find peace too, I know it.

Update:

So I spend my first night in my room last night. it was awesome. I went to work this morning then have come back to the house for a flying visit. I can't reveal anything until tuesday.

My workmate made me play inspirational music, lol

I Want to Break Free
St Elmo's Fire
Beautiful
Hero
Proud

I am coming down with a slight cold, though. Hopefully it will be over with quickly.

[Psuedonym]

I was checking in on you pipchick to see if you'd posted an update. So happy for you! Stress will make you more prone to getting sick, so please try to take it easy as much as possible. You're doing great!

[Andeza]

Ooh, the classics. I approve!

Oddly enough I think many of us probably have a list of inspirational songs that have deep meaning for us, no matter the genre.

Feel better soon! I hope it is just a cold.

[NumbLotus]

Wow, Break Free really fits well. One of my favorites.

[pipchick]

Thank you Psuedonym, Andeza and NumbLotus!

Coming in to add the classic "No More the Fool" by Elkie Brooks

I believed your every word, didn't know the hurting pain that you'd make. But why did it take so long? At last now I see the light. I found it hard to say. No more the fool who waits around, waiting for you to bring me down. Those days are gone now.

Also... god grant me the serenity to keep up medium chill despite the memories

[Duck]

pipchick, You're really inspiring me!

I think your plan is very good and I am rooting for you.

[pipchick]

Thank you, Duck!

Warning: whinging ahead. Also Trigger warning for mentions of suicide.



I am at the house, and I can't sleep. This is probably because I have a cold and I'm sleeping on the settee. But also, something slotted into place for me today, and I have been veering between shock, horror and fury ever since.

I really never thought of it before now, because it's unthinkable, but over the past week or week and a half the first ingredient has been playing on my mind. It's still unthinkable, but sadly no longer implausible. I mentioned it to my therapist during my first appointment, and she let the thought exist.

If you've read all of my previous thread, you'll know there has been tragedy in my family. My Dad and my brother both took their own lives. I was the one who discovered them. Well... at least that's always how I thought it had gone. You see, my mother came to wake me up at lunchtime that day (I'd been working nights) to say that she was worried because she couldn't get either of them to answer the phone, or come to the door, and yet their cars were in the driveway. Being split up from my Dad, she no longer had a key to the house, so she got on the bus and travelled thirty minutes to come and get me, because - so she said at the time - she knew I had a key.

Wait.

Obviously I can't say this for certain. I can't prove this in any way whatsoever. And as long as it was unthinkable I never ever thought it, not for a single instant. And yet... if you're worried, calling the house constantly, knocking on the door and on the windows. If you're desperate... you try the door. You might not even be aware you're doing it, but you would do it. I say this because when we got to the house, the front door was unlocked.

Now, this is going back nearly twenty years, but believe me I haven't blocked that day out. Every detail about it is emblazoned on my memory forever. From the moment I was woken up, to the way the sun was shining through the bus window and I felt strongly that there was a moment before, after which nothing would be the same. For all the years since I've relived that day in my nightmares. I remember taking out my key, and putting it in the lock. I was so certain I needed my key. I mean, my mother told me I did, right? Except that I didn't. And I remember looking to her and saying: "It's not locked." And now I think I understand the look on her face then. Not quite guilt. It's a certain look she gets when she's behaved so incredibly badly.

I think she tried the door, and found out for herself that it was unlocked. I think that having no empathy she wasn't emotionally too worried about walking in there. I think she just... couldn't be bothered. So she thought to herself: I'll go and get Pipchick, and she can walk through that door for me.

Having done this, I expect even she had to feel a little bit bad. If only because she'd abdicated her responsibility utterly. So what does she do then with that bad feeling? She resents me for it. She decides that it's my fault she feels bad, and she spends the next year smearing me so badly to my aunt that eventually it results in my aunt viciously shouting and publicly humiliating me (as far as I am concerned, from out of nowhere). I'll never speak to that aunt again. Until that point, I had thought that because my Dad and my brother did it, I was now safe, but that day showed me otherwise. I felt so, so low. And even right then my mother didn't want to hear it. And now I know why. Because it was her, as I've long suspected, and she did it to punish me for making her feel bad for being horrible to me. For making me face something that most people will never even approach in terms of trauma, simply because she couldn't be bothered.

That's it.

If nothing else, this. Nothing can induce me to be close to her for a moment longer than absolutely necessary.