5 days ago

[StartingHealing]

Hello all.

Haven't posted on here in a while since there was some serious stuff that went down. 

I am choosing to go forward with divorce.

She had been escalating since the beginning of the month.  I had been using the tools, the no JADE, validation, SET, not validating the invalid, disengaging by leaving the area, taking a walk, not being invalidating, but her statements to the effect that she was threatening suicide were escalating, threats to my physical safety were also escalating, it appears that she fixated on me as the sole source of any and all bad, negative, sad, painful things that have transpired in her life.  Plus, she stated the she was leaving, that she had found another man, been on dates, and, and, and.  It even got to a point where she was making statements that as a man, as her husband, I should have pushed the issue of forcing her to give me this persons name and so forth to do a internet search on them to protect her from people like that since no one has ever protected her ever in her life.  Turned out that she was catfished. ( This happened the night before)

I had been sleeping on the couch, and once she came out of the bedroom, I was outside having a cup of coffee, texting a family member.  Me texting was what seemed to be the trigger for her rage.  By this time, I had been yelled, screamed at, threatened with things like cutting my external genitalia off, that she would crush me, that she would send people after me.. I was so numb that I thought that taking the dog to the park for a walk would provide space and it would calm down. 

I thought that calling the non-emergency number for EMS would be a good idea because I wanted to find out information on what could happen if I did call 911 in regards to her escalating threats of self deletion. ( I still hadn't come to the conclusion that I was done with it)  An officer met me at the park, had a nice conversation, but I didn't know that this call triggered a wellness check on wBPD. 

That really set her off.  I was getting texts from her son that is staying in the house, then the phone calls from her that were getting more and more aggressive and violent.  And then I started getting notifications from the ring doorbell.

I called 911 because I was afraid of going back home because I had no clue on what could happen to me. I was convinced that she was going to seriously physically injure / kill me. 

I arrived at the house along with the police seeing piles of my personal belongings in the front yard, and she came boiling out of the house, yelling, screaming, cursing, saying derogatory things about the neighbors, the police, me,    the police gave her direction to calm down, to stop screaming, and, well, she didn't. Even after many statements from the officers to calm down.  She actually went the other way and became even more aggressive, and starting saying things about how the cops are corrupt, that I lied to them, and even attempted to explain away her statements in front of the officers concerning her self deletion threats, and threats of severe physical injury directed to me.  That she had immediately said before in front of them!

She was arrested and went to jail. The charges are DV and disorderly conduct.  A order of protection was immediately put into place until she has her day in court for this incident.  About 3 weeks or so.  She cannot communicate with me in any way, she cannot come to the house, she cannot come to my work.  If she wants any items from the house she has to have a police escort to do it. 

After she was released, she came to the house with police escort to gather some of her things, clothes, etc.  She still was spouting off about how everything was my fault, I was the one that made her that way, etc.

She left, and then she immediately started making phone calls to her son.  She was attempting to re-establish control of me via a third party.  Demanding a certain amount of $$ to be in a certain bank account, which .. how is 300$ for a single stay in a hotel?  What?   

Prior to this blow up I had been facing the fear of contacting family / friends and had started contacting them and letting them know what was going on. 

Monday, I went to court and put in a request for a protective order that would last for 1 year. If she fights it, there will be a court date on it.  But I have 2 years of text messages, witnesses who are willing to testify, ring videos, and audio recordings. Currently I have sole exclusive access to the house and the dog.  I know that she has friends that have firearms.  I really don't know what she is capable of.

After a few days of not being around her.  I have found that I'm in a much better space in my self.  I'm not jumping as much when I receive a text notification. Or a phone call. 

Living with the fear that she would self delete on one side, the fear of physical violence on the other, and then in the middle all the behaviors that are not good.. the alienation, isolation, rages, triggering, shame, belittlement, to name a very few as an example ... I can't, I cannot do it any longer.  I cannot continue living in a situation where to keep the peace, I have to be like a organic robot that can read minds. Her mind specifically.

Even then, I don't think that would work. 

Yes, I had been groomed for many years into a person that .. well .. wasn't me.  And even then she would get triggered, have a rage outburst, because according to her, I have so many filters to get things through that "your not real"  from a person that stated that if you don't go to sleep facing them, you don't want them.  You don't love them, that not doing an action exactly how she lectured me on, means that you don't care, ... that a amazon shopping addiction was perfectly fine but asking her to __________________ means that I am a controlling SOB. 

Somehow or another, I'm an evil genius that completely destroyed her life. 

I'm currently seeking a lawyer to start the process of divorce.  I'm a reasonable person.  But the expectations of the court may appear to her that they are not reasonable.  It appears at this time that the courts have an expectation that people are supposed to be as self supporting as possible.  She probably will not like that.  Since to her that is unreasonable since she does have a physical issue with 1 leg.  She does have medical limitations but she has used that as a means to not support herself or to contribute to the marital financials.  I'm willing to pay a reasonable amount of spousal support, and I want to stay in the house for at least two years, until I finish my degree, and then the house will be sold, and she can receive her fair and equitable portion of the proceeds after all liabilities are satisfied.

All I can suggest to those who are in a relationship is to be very very aware and maintain a healthy self interest.  Don't fall into the falsity that love can conquer all.

[hhaw]

SH, I'm glad you;re sharing hour story and seeking support.

I can't lie.... calling 911 and having your stbx held accountable for her threats was the rigth thing to do and will make the divorce process go more quickly, IME.

You seem to have figured out you have to be firm and not try to gain the PD's approval, understanding or acceptance for anything you do going forward.  Putting your head down, going NO CONTACT and letting the attorneys handle communication will soon have you recognizing your old self again.

You are your greatest resource, SH.  You need to be on YOUR team,. not the PD's team.

Try not to worry about money right now.... safety, yours and the PD's should be what you focus on mostly.  The money will get sorted.... let the PD make her demands, but know you don't have to follow them.

The flying monkey son of of the stbx's shouldn't have access to you, IMO.  If he's going to remain in the home, there should be boundaries and rules he follows or he goes too perhaps.

My understanding of an Order of Protection is that the abuser shouldn't contact you through 3rd parties or any parties AT ALL.  REPORT every single failure to comply with EVERY ORDER IN PLACE or you lose ground and the Orders mean nothing, IME.

Report the son's flying monkey contact to the police.... that's how I was told to properly document failure to comply with Orders.

Whatever happens with the money, it will be what it is without you running it through your head and justifying it.... it won't be YOU justifying or deciding so just relax and know you and stbx will likely BOTH be unhappy with whatever the Court decides IF you can't agree and avoid a trial.

Trial is typically the quickest way out of divorce with a PD, IME.  Certainly your PD sounds like she won't play ball, honor an Agreement or follow through in any way that doesn't create more time, trauma and expense, so just keep doing what you're doing.

IF the PD's attorney says she wants to settle...... try to gently float the idea of all parties agreeing ahead of time to hand write any agreement out at the meeting with all parties, including the attorneys signing said Agreement, walking it to the File Clerk's office and handing all parties a filed and stamped copy BEFORE cancelling ANYTHING..... hearings, trial dates or depositions... psych evaluatoins, etc.

Just don't fall for the old settlement gag.

While shopping for attorneys try to get someone with experience in high conflict divorces.

ALL big dollar attorneys will SAY they have experience with everything, but they don't, IME.

Ex Prosecuting Attorneys seem to have a good handle on what you're uup against, IME.

I find it's better to find an attorney once you know who your Judge is.... so consider hiring someone you think is good with the understanding (in your head) that you'll research the best attorney for THAT Judge in that COUNTY once you have a Judge selected for your case. 

Include the abuse and domestic violecen IN YOUR DIVORCE PETITION.  Some attorneys want to leave it out, bc "it just complicates things."

If your attorney says something dumb like that... he or she really doesn't understand Domestic Violence an is a ninny, IME.  One with a big ego and not who you want to use in the divorce long term, IME.

Once you know who your Judge is.... make appointments to meet with the top 5 attorneys in your Coiunty so your wife can't hire them.

Ask their secretaries who they would hire if it was their child in need of a divorce attorney.

Heck, I'd book an hour with a criminal attorney an ask them about the specific laws around the laws your wife has broken and what happens IF she fails to comply, which seems highly likely from what you've written.

90% research.....
10% execution saves you a lot of time, trouble and money, IME.

And organize your evidence proactively so you aren't forced to do it under pressure.  However you need to do that.... have it filed an organized by category that makes sense to you.

Don't mark up your orginals.

IF you use highlighter, use super bright yellow highlighters only, bc they don't copy well in black and white, which is helpful IF you have to get back to white and you might.

You can't enter marked up originals as Court Exhibits for evidence.

I put together 2 notebooks and carried one everywhere I went. I gave my attorney one to work with.  DO NOT LEAVE your notebook with anyone... they may look at it while you're sitting there only... that goes for Police, therapists and doctors, etc.

Your wife's ability to work is not up to you.  You don't have an opinion on that.... it will just sound controlling and defensive and never works to your advantage, IME.  Just know the court will make both of you unhappy, likely and getting out will be worth whatever it costs you.

Focus on what you can prove.  Focus on staying safe.... I'd change up my routine as far as leaving the house and the routes I take.  I'd talk to my neigbors and keep them undated and watching out for the PD.... maybe show them the Restraining Order and explain stbx has issues... don't use psych language.....

and always always always refer to the PD with compassion..... you can get away with sharing really ugly facts about the PD IF you always remmber to speak with compassion, IME.  If you don't.... you might end up losing ground and getting punished, is all I'm saying.

Calm, cooperative.... form your narrative around your evidence... it helps cut down on the chaos and confusion, IME. 

If you talk about ALL the PD's disordered behaviors, without proof, it sometimes makes you appear unhinged as well as the PD and that's not helpful.

You're doing so well, SH.

You're very doing so many things right, IMO.

[square]

Yeah, you hit a home run there. Good job.

[hhaw]

SH:

It;s common for people dealing with trauma to bouonce around from subject to subject and meander in and out of rabbit holes when speaking about the divorce, abuse and marriage, IME. 

If you look at it like a hamburger, it gets easier to remember to give short answers then stop talking till the next question.

You want to give just the hamburger, maybe the bun, never condiments and veggies.

when first filing the divorce, attorneys like to have a history written down that clues them in on what happened and when... all the important dates and surrounding facts. You can go back and amend it as you remember things and add them in, but attorneys want the BIG picture when you're interviewing them... think broad strokes.

Attorneys will put together what they call the "theory of the case,"  That will be something they KNOW they can prove and back up with credible evidence and witnesses. 

Your narrative should be based on your evidence, IME.....
not on your experience.

If you go down rabbit holes, jumping from one PD crazy act to another, without proof, you might end up appeating unhinged too.  Sometimes people ask what you did TO the PD to MAKE them DO those things TO YOU, which is maddening, but remember..... the PD is going to be telling her story, making up abuse from you that creates reactivity in her listeners... and it's likely her story will make some kind of sense.

People don't understand WHY a spouse would do crazy, self defeating things to undermine their spouse for NO good reason at all and particularly when it sabotages the PD.... the truth is it doesn't make sense bc the behaviors are disordered and will never make any sense.  EVERYONE will need your story to "square up." 

I'm just saying.... line up your evidence with your narrative..... it appears your stbx is doing a lot of the work FOR you, but PDs always manage to manufacture a good bit of confusion and that makes it more difficult for a Judge to do what's fair and protect you with a bullet proof order you can enforce through the courts.

Not that you would, but getting defensive and snarky are things that could get you punished by your  Judge and others involved, IME.

Express compassion for your stbx, but always always BE on your team and only your team with your actions. 

[escapingman]

StartingHealing, WOW....... I don't know what to say, at the same time as I want to say I feel for you and I feel sorry for you I want to say you hit the jackpot. She lost her mask in public and in front of the police, you have the evidence. Go go go for it. Just go for it, don't look back.

Stay strong!

[SonofThunder]

StartingHealing,

First of all, wow.... Just WOW what a tumultuous series of craziness that you handled like a champ! 🏆  Like Square and hhaw stated you hit a home run and it was the right thing to do, albeit very-very difficult. 

Im going to guess that your screen-name starts over in a very different way now.  I tip my hat to you.  Thoughts and prayers for steady progress. 

SoT

[StartingHealing]

Update:

The city attorney called me and told me that they intend to "divert" her into counseling.  I already have an protective order cocked, locked, and ready to rock.  It's good for 1 year after she is served.  I have also retained a lawyer, who has had divorce cases in which the man was the one being abused, and who is also PD aware, who is fairly impressed with me apparently.   During the initial consultation, he mentioned that the list that I created of things to do, get a personal bank account, p.o. box, etc. was something that new clients would need.  I told him that I would create a list for him that he is free to use.  I dropped it by his office as I was dropping off income tax records, evidence of her shopping addiction and utility statements.  He was very impressed with hard copy but I also placed the word document on a thumb drive.  He stated that he was going to start using it immediately.

On the day of her arraignment for her DV / disorderly conduct, the initial paperwork for the divorce should be filed.   And if the police are doing their job, she will also be served with the protection order the grants me exclusive use of the house and the keeping the dog.  With this she cannot contact me in any manner.   

According to the attorney, my demands of staying in the house for 2 years, to give me time to finish my degree, ( not to mention the mortgage payment is less than rent)  and perhaps paying some nominal amount of support is totally reasonable given the situation. 

While the DV charge doesn't impact the division of assets / debts the fact that there is a DV charge on her, does help my standing in the divorce courts eyes.

My thanks to all here.  Due to this site, I have been helped and I want to let every one here, know that I do appreciate the help, the insights, and the support.  My thanks to all.

[SonofThunder]

StartingHealing,

Great job on all fronts.  Yes, i agree the advice given here, learned from experience is priceless and has also been a tremendous asset in my decision-making. I look forward to continuing on in following your transformative story.  Thoughts and prayers for continued forward movement in your life. 

SoT

[hhaw]

SH:

You're going to be dealing with stbx when she's OUT of whatever place she's being held.... likely, she'll be contacting yu like mad, IME.

I was told the only way enforce a protective order is throught the police.  I hope you're well informed about your rights and how to defend them..... without hesitation.

The quicker and more strict you are, with holding the PD's feet to the fire on every law, rule and court order.....
the quicker you get out of divorce court with a PD, IME.

Well done.  You're on your way to that degree and to your freedom.

[1footouttadefog]

Wow, that is a very intense senario.

I hope that it will help make the transition smoother and that it brings clarity and a reduction of guilt.

I am sorry to say that she is not well and in need of some help.  I hope she will find that help and become healthier in the long run. 

[StartingHealing]

My lawyer is PD aware. Which is a big thing.  Plus there is some connections outside of the legal aspects.  His mother just graduated with a Masters from the same college that I am enrolled in.  I have also provided assistance to his office by working up a basic list of things that need to be looked at / actions to take in the process of divorce, since during the first consultation he mentioned that he had clients that would benefit from a list based off the actions that I had already accomplished.   And he is interested in fountain pens.  Which is a hobby of mine that I didn't let go of to appease the BPD.  One of the very few.

In regards to the guilt.  I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to be guilty for.  If anything, I found it surprising how little anger I have towards her.   I am sad that I didn't stand up for myself earlier.  However, the timing of (higher power, the Universe, God) is impeccable.  Considering the timing with the Johnny Depp / AH trial,  and how she came to have a charge of DV, etc. 

At this time, considering that the entire relationship was built upon falsities, lies, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse, in which I was the receiving party to it?  How much compassion is healthy?   

Objectively speaking, the idolization phase is a fantasy, it's an manipulation, it is based on one partner (BPD) luring in an unsuspecting source of supply for them.  The next phase, is where the overt manipulation / abuse starts coming to the fore, and again, it's based on lies, it's based on false pretenses.  She wasn't obtaining what she felt was due her, which is nothing less that the entire engulfment of another, (me) and not obtaining the supply she felt was needed for her continued well being, she increased the abuse.

Which is also based upon lies and falsities.   Subjective perceptions, subjective expectations, all based on some sort of disney fairytale, romantic comedy movie with some romance novels thrown in for the spicy stuff.  Yes, I did do a comparison of her stated expectations and possible sources for the same. 

As I was continually pushed away by her behaviors, that also increased her worry about being abandoned. At least I suspect that is the case.   As she would attempt to put me into a no win situation, she found herself in the exact same. 

I realize that it will take time for me to get into a healthier place.  Yet, with the realization that this entire 25 year span has been nothing but an exercise in fantasy?  That the emotions I had for her was based on that?  That it was based on the subjective perceptions of a mentally ill person?  That she had manipulated me into agreeing with her distorted perceptions?

Also, with the behaviors and statements, leading up to her arrest, that too is based on lies, falsities, and fantasy generated from her mental illness.

Yes, I am grieving, I am grieving over the good part of the fantasy.  I am also grieving over the ending of the relationship.   Yes, the post operation report is still ongoing.  This is not a rumination.  It's a process that I am borrowing from the military.  There was a certain military action that occurred.  After the operation is ended, then a review is conducted in holistic view to see where mistakes were made, why they were made, actions of the opponents,  and so forth.  It's more of an objective type of review.  Yes it also includes emotions but emotional content is not the primary focus. 

Having some self compassion, I did the best I could, at the time I was doing it, with the knowledge and experience I had at the time.  It's totally unfair to have the expectation that I should have, I would have, I could have.  Yes, I do have regrets.  I regret the abuse that the now adult children went through.   Do I regret that she was arrested on a DV charge?  No. I do not. 

That being said.  I am conflicted in my emotions.  Recognizing that she is in fact mentally ill, I do have some feelings of compassion in that she is suffering.  I do hope that she can find some help.  But the help, the assistance, has to come from somewhere other than myself.  I'm not looking at punishing or extracting any type of revenge.  She has created her own bed of nails and I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself to protect her from the nails.

I gave and gave and gave, often to my own detriment, often to the detriment of others,  and yet it wasn't enough for the black hole that exists within her.  Something that she is expecting to have filled from external sources, never once looking at that she is the only one that could fill it.

I found this story that explains it very well.  Imagine you are a member of a sea based rescue team.  A report comes in of a woman who is drowning.  You race over the sea, as fast as you can go to get there to save her.  You find her, jump into the sea, and pull her to safety on the ship.  She gets dried off, warmed up, hot coffee, food, dried clothes.  Then she jumps back into the sea.  You jump in and save her again.  She gets dried off, warmed up, dry clothes.  Again she jumps back into the sea. 

How many cycles of this is reasonable to do?   How many times can you jump back into shark infested waters to save this person?  Eventually, it gets to a point where for your own self preservation, you cannot continue.

That is where I am currently.  Taking care of myself, and bailing my boat, and repairing as needed.

Peace

[hhaw]

 

Absolutely....
Ya.

[SonofThunder]

Absolutely....
Ya.

+1   

Great job StartingHealing.  Your understanding, analysis and conclusions sound very healthy and deeply observant.

SoT

[escapingman]

Absolutely....
Ya.

+1   

Great job StartingHealing.  Your understanding, analysis and conclusions sound very healthy and deeply observant.

SoT

[StartingHealing]

Absolutely....
Ya.

+1   

Great job StartingHealing.  Your understanding, analysis and conclusions sound very healthy and deeply observant.

SoT

SoT,

Thanks for that. Coming from you that is indeed high praise.  In truth it was a great deal harder than my words have it appearing.

Yet, a very wise person recently told me to ensure that I do not view the time in the marriage as a waste.  There were lessons learned.  Take those lessons and move forward with the wisdom those lessons provided you.   

It is irritating to me (in a good way) when they are right.   

Tis a sad thing but here in the USA it is estimated that up to 30% of the general population has some sort of mental issue, and that approximately 6% of the general population has some sort of personality disorder.   

I can already see where the lessons I have learned will be extremely useful.  I mean,  30%?  So out of 10 people 3 of them could have something?   And 6%?  6 out of 100, or 3 out of 50, or basically 1 out of 25. 

Yes, I do have my own issues with caretaking.  Will need to revisit the book, Stop Caretaking the NPD /BPD.  And do the work necessary for healthy boundaries.   

At least for this moment, I am safe,  I am secure.  I can look forward with confidence as I know that I am strong enough, I am smart enough, I am wise enough to step into the wheel house of my life, and captain it successfully.

[StartingHealing]

SH:

It;s common for people dealing with trauma to bouonce around from subject to subject and meander in and out of rabbit holes when speaking about the divorce, abuse and marriage, IME. 

If you look at it like a hamburger, it gets easier to remember to give short answers then stop talking till the next question.

You want to give just the hamburger, maybe the bun, never condiments and veggies.

when first filing the divorce, attorneys like to have a history written down that clues them in on what happened and when... all the important dates and surrounding facts. You can go back and amend it as you remember things and add them in, but attorneys want the BIG picture when you're interviewing them... think broad strokes.

Attorneys will put together what they call the "theory of the case,"  That will be something they KNOW they can prove and back up with credible evidence and witnesses. 

Your narrative should be based on your evidence, IME.....
not on your experience.

If you go down rabbit holes, jumping from one PD crazy act to another, without proof, you might end up appeating unhinged too.  Sometimes people ask what you did TO the PD to MAKE them DO those things TO YOU, which is maddening, but remember..... the PD is going to be telling her story, making up abuse from you that creates reactivity in her listeners... and it's likely her story will make some kind of sense.

People don't understand WHY a spouse would do crazy, self defeating things to undermine their spouse for NO good reason at all and particularly when it sabotages the PD.... the truth is it doesn't make sense bc the behaviors are disordered and will never make any sense.  EVERYONE will need your story to "square up." 

I'm just saying.... line up your evidence with your narrative..... it appears your stbx is doing a lot of the work FOR you, but PDs always manage to manufacture a good bit of confusion and that makes it more difficult for a Judge to do what's fair and protect you with a bullet proof order you can enforce through the courts.

Not that you would, but getting defensive and snarky are things that could get you punished by your  Judge and others involved, IME.

Express compassion for your stbx, but always always BE on your team and only your team with your actions.

Thank you

[StartingHealing]

 

Absolutely....
Ya.

[StartingHealing]

 

SH:

You're going to be dealing with stbx when she's OUT of whatever place she's being held.... likely, she'll be contacting yu like mad, IME.

I was told the only way enforce a protective order is throught the police.  I hope you're well informed about your rights and how to defend them..... without hesitation.

The quicker and more strict you are, with holding the PD's feet to the fire on every law, rule and court order.....
the quicker you get out of divorce court with a PD, IME.

Well done.  You're on your way to that degree and to your freedom.

[StartingHealing]

 

Yeah, you hit a home run there. Good job.

[StartingHealing]

 

StartingHealing, WOW....... I don't know what to say, at the same time as I want to say I feel for you and I feel sorry for you I want to say you hit the jackpot. She lost her mask in public and in front of the police, you have the evidence. Go go go for it. Just go for it, don't look back.

Stay strong!