second thoughts

[bohemian butterfly]

Oh gosh guys!  Thank you so much for your kind and loving words.

I'm two days in the house (part time) and have some of my belongings moved in.  I haven't told my boyfriend yet and I am a nervous wreck.  My emotions are like a see-saw.  Part of me (because he has been kind and attentive these past several days) wants to talk to him and say, "Surprise!  I bought a house, a getaway from the farm!"   But there is another part of me that is just waiting...... and the stress is really getting to me (I have a rash on my face and my left eye is swollen).  Hardly anyone knows about this house (like 3-4 people)  I haven't even told my parents (because they will want to see it immediately and I can't deal with them right now). 

I took a half day from work the other day so that I could just be in the house (right now I am still going to the farm).  I also went home (yikes, I am calling it home....that should tell me something right there.......) on my lunch break (the house is 5 minutes from my job, I could bike there)  I laid on the floor (I don't have a bed or couch or a TV or anything).  I propped my IPad up on a box (used it as a table) and watched a 30 minute show.  I cried during the show because this is hard, but I feel like it's worth it.

I'm sharing my experience in the hopes that I help someone (and help myself).  It doesn't matter that I don't have a TV or that I am using a cardboard box as a table right now because in the grand scheme of things, happiness is not ones' belongings.

Also, I'm not young as young as some of you might think (I'm almost 43).  So for anyone reading......  it's never too late and it doesn't matter if you leave with just the clothes on your back, you can rebuild.  Besides, without a lot of belongings, that frees up some energy to work on my mental health.

So I wanted to give you an update.  I am still in limbo but I think one of the hardest parts is over with.  I have an escape hatch and that feeling alone gives me some sense of power, peace and relief.

[Poison Ivy]

bohemian butterfly, you're an inspiration! 

[Whatthehey]

Bohemian Butterfly - enjoy your freedom!  Enjoy that small piece of you that is soaring with your new independence.  I remember my first night at my new place, only a few weeks ago.  I was sleeping on the floor with a sleeping bag.  No one except the landlord knew I was there.  I had never slept so well.  So peaceful and free.  I love the feeling that it was mine - I could make my own decisions and that is such a great feeling.

Underneath it all though, there was a sadness that it me 32 years to make the move.  I am too am older - 54 - and damn I lost a lot of time.  But my son is here with me and we are enjoying the peace of our new lives.

Hugs to you!

[Blackbird11]

Wow BB, congratulations! Enjoy YOUR home!!!

Your courage is inspiring!!!!

[Empie2204]

Bohemian butterfly I' m all for you. It' s interesting how we empaths and abuse victims always think about the results of our actions and of our precious abusers thoughts. We lack the quality of having thick skin. We are full of "whatifs" and presumptions. Totally wrong but difficult to get rid off.
And they live in their bubbles of manipulation and selfrighteousness.
I observe my uPdh and see again that he thinks the crumbs of his attention and two or three "good deeds" can wipe out his insults and dictatorship.
I can see through that clearly and it still creates these foolish second thoughts in me. I have to carry the reality inside my brain 24 hours a day, blinking like a neon sign.

[Arkhangelsk]

There are some folks on this thread who have had these relationships for a very long time.  I saw maybe 3 or 4.  Veloter especially caught my attention.  I had only 21 years in, not 40 - but I just wanted to say there is never a moment when it is too late.

There is goodness and community with upright, kind people out there.  I did not know this when I was in it. 

I think a thing that happens is that we attract other people in similar situations to ours.  When I was married, all my close female friends seemed to have the same problems with their husbands.  I used to think that there was little reason to try to get out, because then I would be alone or find another man who was the same.

On the other side of leaving and making a new life, I have a whole new set of friends.  They are really healthy.  They set boundaries.  They have amazing husbands and wives who share mutual respect.  I have an amazing partner who treats me with profound kindness and love.

My old friends all fell away.  It hurt.  A lot.  But it may be that you are in a system that supports you staying in a place where you are abused and the only one who can drag you out is you.  So, I just wanted to say that things can be different. 

I will also offer a practical step.  Consider finding a new community to join.  It takes time and investment, but you can do it right now and begin to grow a healthy network.  That is a major thing I did that helped me.  I joined a martial arts gym and I fell in love with the sport.  I was there all the time (my then husband HATED this.  He worked really hard to stop me.  Seems a key sign that it was good for me).  I spent a lot of time there.  Other people who were working hard at the sport recognized my passion and we made friends.  I was there, building these relationships for 2 years before I left my marriage.  When I finally (finally) walked out that door - I had a place to go and social opportunities to help stave off the lonely and the fear of not having a partner.  It does not have to be a sport, it could be a quilting club, or a hiking meet up group.  And it may take some time to find the right fit.  But it was a life saver for me.  I am not sure if I would have made it out without it.   

[Spygirl]