Family crisis unfolding

[pianissimo]

Thanks Call Me Cordelia and lkdrymom,

Unfortunately, it's quite legal for her to live with me. And, I have plenty of room in my apartment, but I do need the space for myself.

So, it's hard to paint an accurate picture of the situation. The reason I intend to not get into a situation that would require me to say "No" to her is that, at that point, I would be in front of a person who would have traveled more than 400kms based on limited contact with me. She knows that the answer is "No". I also know what my mother becomes like when she rages. It's like she needs to be exorcised. There are multitude of factors in her favour 1- I would have no public support. Here, to a lot of people, that situation would look normal. Even if she rages, they might consider her normal. So, if I end up facing her, I'm on my own. If I go stern (which I can), she would play the victim. It might sound ridiculous to you, but people in the environment could become sympathetic with her. 2- It's possible, the situation might end up having elements of physical intimidation. Even if I raised my voice, I would hate myself afterwards. 3- I think that any attention gives her strength. I think that she likes raging. On the other hand, I would be drained in that situation. If option 2 happened, I would be in her territory. Like, if I raised my voice, it would bother me more than her. I think she does like getting into my nerves, and I think she has a tendency to figure out my buttons.

Eventually, if she shows up here, I would have a weak hand. She could be stranded. In principle, she's not my problem, but, in practice, I could end up giving her a room for the night. It really depends on the circumstances. If it's day time, I wouldn't care so much, but if it's past day time, then, no, it's not safe outside.

She kept texting me by the way. She asked "Just answer this question, are you OK?" Then she called. I blocked her number.

I spoke with my father about all this, but I have a feeling he might cave in at last minute.

So, the ability to give up on the apartment is my only advantage in this situation.

[Call Me Cordelia]

The emotion that comes through loud and clear is fear. That's so so wrong that you are in this situation, so messed up that your most workable option may be to just give up your private home to her.

I do think that it's likely to be a short term solution if it does come to that. Would mother really be satisfied with taking your place and you not being there? The boundary-less also tend to be insatiable in their desire to enmesh themselves. In other words, give them an inch, they take a mile. Give them a mile, they take the whole county.

[Leonor]

Dear Pianissimo,

Magical thinking isn't just for disordered people. All of us, at some time or another, have sought relief from something unbearable or hope for something extraordinary in magical thinking.

Pianissimo, you are engaging in magical thinking. Here's how:

1. If I close my eyes and hold my breath, my mother will evaporate into the stratosphere and everything will jo away ...

2. If my mom does come to my house and I allow her to move in, I'll just find a new place and move away ...

3. If I don't think about the consequences of my actions, I will not have to act.

That's why I was pressing on the "what will happen if ..." You're already living in this nightmare scenario, so you might as well just go there and find out how bad it will really be.

So far, what I've gathered is that if you say no to your mom, she will throw a temper tantrum. She will cry and yell and make a scene, and you will become upset and raise your voice to her and feel like kicking her in the shim
Then you will feel terribly guilty, and she will tell everyone how horrible you are and they will think you are cruel and ungrateful, which is the worst thing a child in your culture can be.

That's horrible. It's so, so sad. But that is all it is. She gets upset, you hold your ground, and she smears you. There is no zombie apocalypse.

The alternatives are: your life. That's it. You give up your life to your parents. No apartment. No career. No independence. No free time. No privacy. No dreams. No partner. No future.

It sounds like it's High Noon at the OK Saloon, as we say in the US. The baddie, which is not your mom, but the fear and anxiety and guilt you feel around your mom, is riding into town, and you can face those feelings head on, or you can pack them up with you and lug them around from one town to another for the rest of your life.

It's up to you, dear P!

[pianissimo]

Yes. I'm scared.  I guess I'm afraid of being trapped, so having the option to leave feels good to me.

Would mother really be satisfied with taking your place and you not being there?

She's probably counting on my presence, but there is not much she can do about that.

The boundary-less also tend to be insatiable in their desire to enmesh themselves. In other words, give them an inch, they take a mile. Give them a mile, they take the whole county.

I think that's what she did with her idea to study a degree while staying with me. We have had very little contact in the past few years, but I was sincere with her even when the only thing and briefly we talked about was the vegetables they grow in the garden. So, I think that's the inch I've given her. 

Leonor, if she shows up here, would she leave? Let's say, she showed up, I told her to leave. She didn't. Then, she proceeded to do everything you said she would, then, she didn't leave. What now?

The other problem is that, if she does all that, it would be some kind of assault on me. Do I walk away from that psychologically intact? Would I have no PTSD after that? Should I trust that therapy would patch all that up?

[moglow]

Pianissimo, what if you give her a room "for a night" and she doesn't leave. She's there bag and baggage being accepted into your home. Then what?

There are multitude of factors in her favour
1- I would have no public support. Here, to a lot of people, that situation would look normal. Even if she rages, they might consider her normal. So, if I end up facing her, I'm on my own. If I go stern (which I can), she would play the victim. It might sound ridiculous to you, but people in the environment could become sympathetic with her.
2- It's possible, the situation might end up having elements of physical intimidation. Even if I raised my voice, I would hate myself afterwards.
3- I think that any attention gives her strength. I think that she likes raging.

1. Do you NEED "public" support? She plays victim, which I could see mine doing. She HAS a home, she's choosing to invade yours. Her choices, and she suffers those consequences. She's assuming she can shove her way in because that's what she does? I can see that as well. BUT if you can be stern and face her down "we had that conversation already. You said that wasn't your intention and I'm telling you now, it was never mine and it's not a possibility. Nothing has changed for me." When she keeps pushing you push back or end the conversation.

2. You have no reason to hate yourself! Her/others' expectations aren;t yours to provide - that's ALL on them. I know it's easier said than done, but look at where you're spinning right now at the mere suggestion of it. This can't be your life.

3. Attention gives her strength, she likes to rage? Fine. She can do that elsewhere. You're not going back to living that every day in your own home.

I think inviting her into your home for even an overnight is a bad idea. I'd honestly suggest meeting her in neutral territory if you want to talk this out. She can go back home the same way she left it.

I know I sound hard hearted and cold, but dammit, this is your life! NO ONE gets to walk all over you and bully you into giving up your space. If you want to move, do that, as far in the opposite direction as you choose. But do that when YOU want, when it's a better situation for you, not because she's horned in where she's not been invited.

[moglow]

For me, it helps to think through the possibilities so maybe I'm not blindsided with something later. You have a chance to plan your responses instead of reacting in the emotion of a moment. She can't get in without someone letting her in, so don't. [I'm a past master at ignoring someone at my door! Go get in the shower, she'll go away eventually] She doesn't need a spare key [and if she already has one, i recommend a lock change], and I'd let building management know that no one is authorized to go in there without you. She calls/texts you that she's in town already? Shame you don't get that message until later or have to work late. Do you need to help her find a hotel? Evasion helps when you have a little time to plan ahead.

Yes, it's passive aggressive and shady and more than a wee bit of a lie, but I'd absolutely do it. She wasn't invited and she knows she wasn't expected either. You show up unannounced, you get what you get. You moved away years ago and have never had them there for a reason. Remember THAT. Try and not get caught up in her wants and remember how you got where you are.

[Andeza]

I'm glad moglow mentioned it. If your mother shows up uninvited, you have every right not to even up open your door. In fact if you have any, ANY fear, of physical intimidation or her pushing past you to get in. Don't. It's not safe. We care about your safety. If she's in your home you're not safe.

And honey I hate to say this, but if she shows up at all, no matter which choice you make, you're going to have to deal with the emotional toll after. If she drives you from your home, that's got the potential to be much harder to heal than if you turned her away.

[moglow]

And honey I hate to say this, but if she shows up at all, no matter which choice you make, you're going to have to deal with the emotional toll after. If she drives you from your home, that's got the potential to be much harder to heal than if you turned her away.

This. It's not an easy path, and neither is where you are now. All you can realistically do at this point is try and think through the possibilities and your options with each.

I've not invited my mother to my home in near 20 years now [to give full credit, neither has she shown any interest] but I can only imagine the shitstorm of trying to get her out if she were hellbent on staying. It would get ugly and she'd see a side of me she wouldn't like, I have no doubt. I've just made it a rule across the board - unless you're expected and/or I want to see you, it ain't happening. That's my space, my castle.

Just think it through and let go of the fears. This could still all be to get a reaction from you or spin you up into her little world. Her university is an hour away from you? She needs accommodation there, not with you.

[pianissimo]

Thank you all for the compassion you have shown. This thread has helped me to stay calm and think of my options.

To me, what you are recommending here is the first step of safety: locked doors, and not letting the assailant in. I'm on board with that. But, I'm afraid my mother could create a situation to breach that line. It is unpredictable. I don't know what she might do, and if she makes a scene, I don't know what that would lead to. So, leaving is basically my escape plan. I have other places I could go to.

Also, if she shows up, I think she would show up at work (publicly known address). And, if I'm there, things would become complicated. I don't want to decide what would be the right thing to do until I'm in that situation. And, as I said before, I consider it my luck that I have the option to just leave. I think staying and facing her in that situation is taking risk unnecessarily. I might not immediately leave, but if I realize the situation is getting out of hand, it's just nice to imagine me taking off. I'm actually afraid any complications that might prevent that.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hmm. When others on this board have worried about their PD parent showing up at their workplace, they've tipped off their boss or HR or someone that they're concerned this may happen. Your workplace won't want a scene any more than you do, and their interest as well as yours is in getting a disruptive person out of there ASAP, or preventing them access in the first place.

I'm not sure if you mean that you wouldn't want to decide what to do until she's actually there, or the opposite, of being prepared. I am in favor of being prepared. You being off balance and flustered and triggered in a moment of attack will be to your mother's benefit, not yours. And you are already putting energy into this, so it may as well be to some purpose.

[pianissimo]

Hmm. When others on this board have worried about their PD parent showing up at their workplace, they've tipped off their boss or HR or someone that they're concerned this may happen. Your workplace won't want a scene any more than you do, and their interest as well as yours is in getting a disruptive person out of there ASAP, or preventing them access in the first place.

I will sound like an idiot but this reminded me that there is actually security outside work and they actually do their job.  They would call me to confirm her identity before letting her in. I feel a little relieved. I think I would still take some precautions, but this gives me a little more control in that situation.

I'm not sure if you mean that you wouldn't want to decide what to do until she's actually there, or the opposite, of being prepared. I am in favor of being prepared. You being off balance and flustered and triggered in a moment of attack will be to your mother's benefit, not yours. And you are already putting energy into this, so it may as well be to some purpose.

If I knew how the attack would develop, I could prepare for it. All my plans are made to avoid her. So, if she showed up, I wouldn't know how she found a way to get to me. So, I can't really prepare for that. And, in the moment, my response would depend on the circumstances. I would be responding to her. I wouldn't know how she would make her case. This is why I'm not preparing for it. I don't have much to prepare for, there are only possibilities, but who knows what she will do.

[Leonor]

Dear Pianissimo,

It's not about thinking about and planning for what she will do.

It's about thinking about and planning for what you will do.

You can acquiesce and let her run ramshod over your life, for the rest of your life.

You can run away from her for the rest of your life.

Or you can believe in and stand in yourself, in your truth.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this.

Since you have security at work, could you just tell them in advance that if a woman claiming to be your mother turns up, she is not to be let in and is to be told that you are not even in the building? If they call you to verify her identity she will know you are there. If they tell her straight off you are not there she will likely assume that is the truth, not that you have given instructions.

[pianissimo]

Thanks for all the feedback Leonor.

NarcKiddo, I think that wouldn't make sense to the security. They might judge me for it too. But, I could say I'm about to leave work, so I will meet her outside. Not great, but a lot better than having to deal with her at work.

[AlisonWonder]

Pianissimo I noticed you said "go with my instinct".  It seems to me that happy adult children don't have this instinct.  Why would they?  So I think it's very good to listen to your feelings and reactions.  I personally am sick of trying to appear "normal" when nothing was normal.

I hope it all works out the way you need it to.  You are not imagining it, it really is a not-nice situation.

Thanks Cat of the Canals. I intend to go with instinct too. In my case, I'm already away. Moving away didn't work

I calmed down a little. Life is going on.

I'm thinking of giving myself permission to do whatever works for me. Also, if I can't manage to get away, I won't make what's happening about me. I think that I already did everything I could.

Edit: Today, I have also had this notion that, all this time, she was interacting with me as a potential target to exploit. I can't wrap my mind around this.

[pianissimo]

It seems to me that happy adult children don't have this instinct.  Why would they?

That's something I noticed too. It seems like I'm somehow able to navigate these kinds of situations despite the stress.

This Sunday, father called me to say she was getting on a bus to her school that night. Asked me if I blocked her. I said yes. I also said I might not be around if she comes to my neighborhood, and there wouldn't be anything I could do if she got stuck.

So far so good.

[moglow]

"Yes I blocked her and we all know exactly why."  Guess she figured out her own housing without you after all. She's getting on a bus so presumably she knows where she's going on the other end. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Keep her blocked. Don't worry about other people's judgment - they'll only see what she allows, what will benefit her personally. You know the truth and how devastating she can be for you and your life. Know that you may get a mayday from her/someone she knows. Refer all that back to dad, he is her husband after all.

BIG hugs as you breathe through this. We're here with you.

[square]

[pianissimo]

Thank you Moglow and Square, and everyone contributed here, support here has been invaluable.

I'm not counting my chickens yet, I'd give it a month to feel all has passed.