Convinced hes "so ill" - no-one can tell him different

[moglow]

   and notice, no explanation beyond I'm afraid not. No cricket game. No business meeting. No overdue haircut, child's ballgame, quiet dinner with your lovely wife. Nada.


Try BIFF: brief, (minimally) informative, friendly, firm. And then be on your way. 

[p123]

Well he did come with me to the cricket. I did what some of you suggested and said well no I won't be over then....

It was hard work. He massively plays up. At home, he walks with a stick down the hallway, onto the stair lift to the bathroom. At the ground, the bathroom was literally 10 yards away and hes basically expecting me to drag him/carry him. After the first time I thought hang on you can manage at home?

Glad to say his cousin has been blunt and told him "no more hospital visits". So he asked me - would I take him? Umm no Dad no-one plans hospital visits like that. And no I am not bailing on work to drive 25 miles or so to collect him to take him on a wild goose chase hospital visits.

So I've told him if its serious, he will need to get a taxi. People who are seriously ill, who need to get to hospital will not be concerned about a few pounds cost in a taxi. That'll be that at least because he'll never ever ever pay for a taxi.

Hes got carers now but hes planning to cancel them. He gets for 6 weeks then its means tested (i.e. he will have to pay). He moans they don't do anything he can't do himself. No sh@t sherlock I could have told you that you dont need a carer. I've told hi m now that there is no way if he decides to cancel than I am going to be replacement carer - not happening. Get on with it or pay.

Hes now REALLY upset with me but to be honest it was so liberating to say no to him.

[Boat Babe]

Keep saying No to PD demands. He won't learn fast, but he will learn. You will feel much much better.

[justducky]

Yep. He's exhausting.

Please consider simply calling him once per week. Pick a day that works for you. Call him, encourage better behavior, and if all he's going to do is moan end the call after 10 minutes or whatever. It's sad that he chooses to act this way, but you can't change him. Only he can change his behavior. It's entirely up to him. Don't let him suck the life out of you.

[Starboard Song]

And no I am not bailing on work to drive 25 miles or so to collect him to take him on a wild goose chase hospital visits.

So I've told him if its serious, he will need to get a taxi. People who are seriously ill, who need to get to hospital will not be concerned about a few pounds cost in a taxi.

And how will we feel and respond when he calls soon to ask for a ride to the hospital?

We will be relaxed and at ease, and say "gosh, Dad. I'm so far away. You need to call a taxi to get there quickly. Gotta run now. Bye!" He won't like it but he won't have an option.

[square]

It's an interesting idea, p123.

Can you picture shfting to amusement when the inevitable happens?

For your sake, you don't want this eating you up inside. Of course you're angry, you have every right. There's a whole forum of people who see the absurdity you are going through. I wonder if some of your feelings are about conflict within yourself, asking yourself if this is really fair, wondering if you are justified or not. Sure, you're pretty sure you are, but there's a little part that isn't, and when your father pushes the button you have to have an argument with yourself in your heart because that damn little voice just won't die already.

I wonder if setting up a different scenario might help move you out of the groove somewhat. Can you picture being amused if you successfully predicted some of the next moves? What if you predict a range of days your father is most likely going to make the next bid for the hospital (say, "anytime next week" or "by thus weekend" or "the night before I have this upcoming day trip out of town." Or maybe you can predict the ailment. Predict some details about how it's going to go down with the carers.

Can you picture yourself being pleased with your astute observations when they coe true, maybe somewhat drowning out your agony over it?

[justducky]

For your sake, you don't want this eating you up inside. Of course you're angry, you have every right. There's a whole forum of people who see the absurdity you are going through. I wonder if some of your feelings are about conflict within yourself, asking yourself if this is really fair, wondering if you are justified or not. Sure, you're pretty sure you are, but there's a little part that isn't, and when your father pushes the button you have to have an argument with yourself in your heart because that damn little voice just won't die already.

You may or may not find this helpful, p123. The above reminds me a bit of the years-long struggle I had with accepting that my FOO is disordered and there isn't a thing I can do to change them. I'd get stuck in anger and despair on how unjust and nonsensical it all was, and my utter impotence. It shouldn't be this way! I'd think over and over.

Yes, it shouldn't have been. But it was.

Bit by bit I accepted reality. I didn't have to like it or approve of it, but... well, it was real.

Gradually I learned to change my focus to myself. To my own actions and choices.

Once I let myself feel all of my feelings I was able to grieve and start to let go. I'm not 100% there yet, but light years from where I was.

Big hugs to you, p123. It's tough.

[Starboard Song]

Threads are limited to 5 pages in length.

This has been a wonderful exchange about challenging circumstances.


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