Convinced hes "so ill" - no-one can tell him different

[p123]

Well, I'm back. All went well apart from 6hr delay on out outbound flight.....

Back working today and I think Dad has decided I've got to pay for my sin of going away.
Rang me this am - he in the "worse pain hes ever had". Now I've heard that probably 200 times.

Trying a new tactic now - pain in his arm. Probably just slept on it or something. Jeez.

No Dad I can't bail out from work, drive 40 mins each way and take you 200 yards to the doctors. Without even having to lie my client would be well unimpressed with that one.

Best of all - "No I'm not taking any painkillers, they block me up". Arrghhhh! The doc has given him something to counteract that but he won't take it. "Oh well Dad better speak to the GP then!".

Defies belief how plain stupid he really is. I actually feel sorry for the GP today.
"So you're in pain but haven't taken the pain killers we gave you?" No they block me up.
"So you're taken the softeners we've given you to counteract this?" No I dont want to take them.
"Ummm OK????:"

[p123]

Thing is as well I've just got back from weekend away. I was thinking "hmm I'm free tonight, if I can finish work on time maybe I'll pop in".
Now I'm thinking no way am I driving all the way over there to put with an hour of madeupitis, waifing, "woe is me", and general feeling sorry for himself.....

I know that, once again, for about the 100TH TIME, hes still not listening to the doctor and expecting SOMEONE to fix his problems for him!

It'll just make me so annoyed. Not sure I want to do that.

[p123]

Here we go again. Hospital visit and messages from FM cousin.

"Hi in A& E again with your father.His wrist is swollen red and sore.It could be an infection fracture etc.Paul your father us not well and needs regular care and attention now.I don't think he should be left for periods on his own.I did emphasize this to the Dr.I would appreciate you or your brothers help as I am not a Carer. There is a 5 hour wait here I'll keep you in touch"

Passive Aggressive much?

[square]

That's the thing that is so weird and messed up about PD. You're a good son to your father, and you've spent a lot of time visiting him, calling him, taking him places, sorting this and that for him. Here you are thinking you could swing by but you don't want to because his demands to have ALL of you destroyed the relationship. He could have just counted his blessings that he has such a good son and appreciated all you do for him and be proud of your work and family and wish you a great holiday in Spain. Then you could have popped in and had a nice little chat with him and enjoyed seeing him.

It's a golden goose story, isn't it? He killed the goose because he wanted it ALL.

EDIT: Just saw the latest, wow, how predictable is that?? I'm also impressed that you see through all this and understand FM cousin makes his own choices, and your father makes his own choices. And great that FM cousin is saying he shouldn't be left alone anymore. I know the implication is that you should quit your job and leave your wife and family and move in with your father, lol, but assisted living also works just as well!

[p123]

That's the thing that is so weird and messed up about PD. You're a good son to your father, and you've spent a lot of time visiting him, calling him, taking him places, sorting this and that for him. Here you are thinking you could swing by but you don't want to because his demands to have ALL of you destroyed the relationship. He could have just counted his blessings that he has such a good son and appreciated all you do for him and be proud of your work and family and wish you a great holiday in Spain. Then you could have popped in and had a nice little chat with him and enjoyed seeing him.

It's a golden goose story, isn't it? He killed the goose because he wanted it ALL.

EDIT: Just saw the latest, wow, how predictable is that?? I'm also impressed that you see through all this and understand FM cousin makes his own choices, and your father makes his own choices. And great that FM cousin is saying he shouldn't be left alone anymore. I know the implication is that you should quit your job and leave your wife and family and move in with your father, lol, but assisted living also works just as well!

He's really escalated it to the max now. BUT this time cousin has had enough - 2 unneeded A&E 5 hour visits in the last 2 weeks.

I've also told his cousin a few truths now that he didn't know. Things Dad has done, appts cancelled etc.
I also found out that cousins daughter whos a carer offered her services and he said no. Kept that one quiet.
Same with social services - apparently he knocked them back too.

All because his main thing is not to spend money.

[Boat Babe]

Your father is essentially self harming in order to manipulate you.

You can't stop him self harming but you don't, ever, have to be manipulated by this disordered and toxic behaviour. He made this bed and he can lie in it.

[p123]

Your father is essentially self harming in order to manipulate you.

You can't stop him self harming but you don't, ever, have to be manipulated by this disordered and toxic behaviour. He made this bed and he can lie in it.

Oh yes and the lies that are coming out are just unreal. Looks like he's been telling me one thing and telling his cousin something else... To manipulate both of us.

All has been to get his own way which is to spend no money, and have people doing things for him. i.e. me and his cousin.

Worse of all he's been telling his cousin, it seems, that I never visit and can't be bothered. I guess to get sympathy from him.
Absolutely disgusted with his behaviour to be honest.

I just know that even when Dad is gone, all I'm going to remember is these last 5-10 years where hes done this constantly. All those people who will look back at happy times with their parent whos passed on and all I'll remember is the lies, the stress, the manipulation, and how he nearly caused me to get divorced. Great eh?

[NarcKiddo]

Hugs, mate. He's really at it, isn't he? Hope he hasn't put too big a cloud over your trip, which I hope was fun.

[p123]

Hugs, mate. He's really at it, isn't he? Hope he hasn't put too big a cloud over your trip, which I hope was fun.

To be honest, he does it every time I go away so Im sort of used to it now. At the beginning, when I though it was genuine, I used to worry and it would spoil my trip but then now we laugh about the "pattern" (I.e. every time I go away).

His best one which really made me laugh was when we went to Florida a few years ago. He hates me going for that long. Week leading up to it, he laid the foundations like he always does. Little comments "Oh I don't feel good" etc etc.

Then we got there I called him. First thing "I've had to call the doctor out to visit me, I feel awful" then "Now don't you worry I'm sure I'll pull through".

I did laugh at the time but later realised it was a pretty evil thing for him to do. I'm the other side of the world, other side of the Atlantic, 9 hours flight time away, what do you want me to say?

My wife and I joke about it now - "Yes Dad I worried for the next 3 seconds of the phone call then forgot about it".

[Starboard Song]

Week leading up to it, he laid the foundations like he always does. Little comments "Oh I don't feel good" etc etc.

Then we got there I called him. First thing "I've had to call the doctor out to visit me, I feel awful" then "Now don't you worry I'm sure I'll pull through".

I did laugh at the time but later realised it was a pretty evil thing for him to do.

You ever had a friend whose dog ate the couch, and he just keep putting identical new couches into the room?

I don't see your dad's words on that call as evil at all. For a week he'd been laying the foundation: he said he wasn't feeling well, over and over. You picked up the phone to call him when nothing in the world made that necessary. He repeated exactly what he's been saying and had done exactly what you knew he was going to do: he felt bad and had called a doctor. And the plain meaning of his words were kind enough: "don't you worry." He is a terribly sad old man -- clearly beyond being fully rational -- behaving in perfectly predictable ways that you know like the back of your hand. I get that they are tedious, and that he doesn't seem to understand the burden on you. And I know he is cheap and makes bad decisions.

The 50% Rule

The behavior you can control is your own. And the responses you can control are your own.

[justducky]

Looks like he's been telling me one thing and telling his cousin something else... To manipulate both of us.

All has been to get his own way which is to spend no money, and have people doing things for him. i.e. me and his cousin.

Worse of all he's been telling his cousin, it seems, that I never visit and can't be bothered. I guess to get sympathy from him.
Absolutely disgusted with his behaviour to be honest.

Wow, that's really awful. I'm glad that you and his cousin are on the same page now.

Sounds like it's time to go VLC and block the numbers of the flying monkeys who still don't get it.

I hope you can find some peace soon. Your dad sounds exhausting!

[Call Me Cordelia]

P123, have you ever considered that you could be addicted to your father's drama? That this dance you two are in, and that you share each step of on here, actually works for you in some way? Could focusing on your dad be a handy distraction from something else that is your responsibility?

It's been universally acknowledged his behavior is appalling. You can predict it with near-perfect accuracy. So... what to do with that information.

[p123]

Looks like he's been telling me one thing and telling his cousin something else... To manipulate both of us.

All has been to get his own way which is to spend no money, and have people doing things for him. i.e. me and his cousin.

Worse of all he's been telling his cousin, it seems, that I never visit and can't be bothered. I guess to get sympathy from him.
Absolutely disgusted with his behaviour to be honest.

Wow, that's really awful. I'm glad that you and his cousin are on the same page now.

Sounds like it's time to go VLC and block the numbers of the flying monkeys who still don't get it.

I hope you can find some peace soon. Your dad sounds exhausting!

Well to be honest there were 2 FMs left.....

My brother - we don't talk after an argument about his FM rota/plan that he created and I refused to sign up to.
His cousin - always used to send me passive aggressive texts.

Brother apparently told cousin the other day "Oh I'm busy with work this week" - the tide is turning there.
Had a chat with cousin last night and he told me how annoyed he is at how Dad has been treating him and ask my permission to refuse him next time. Yey go for it!

[p123]

Week leading up to it, he laid the foundations like he always does. Little comments "Oh I don't feel good" etc etc.

Then we got there I called him. First thing "I've had to call the doctor out to visit me, I feel awful" then "Now don't you worry I'm sure I'll pull through".

I did laugh at the time but later realised it was a pretty evil thing for him to do.

You ever had a friend whose dog ate the couch, and he just keep putting identical new couches into the room?

I don't see your dad's words on that call as evil at all. For a week he'd been laying the foundation: he said he wasn't feeling well, over and over. You picked up the phone to call him when nothing in the world made that necessary. He repeated exactly what he's been saying and had done exactly what you knew he was going to do: he felt bad and had called a doctor. And the plain meaning of his words were kind enough: "don't you worry." He is a terribly sad old man -- clearly beyond being fully rational -- behaving in perfectly predictable ways that you know like the back of your hand. I get that they are tedious, and that he doesn't seem to understand the burden on you. And I know he is cheap and makes bad decisions.

The 50% Rule

The behavior you can control is your own. And the responses you can control are your own.

Of course I see what you are saying and I am the worlds worst at that....

Hmm thing is I know Dad and his "don't worry" is actually said to mean "You better be damn worried".
In the past I've had all sorts "I can't see me making it past the weekend", "I might just do something I've lived to long".
I ignore them all now.

The self harm threat one I told him next time he says that I'll just call an ambulance and they can deal with it, and he'll spend weeks to talking to pyschiatrists etc. if hes gonna pull that one.

[p123]

P123, have you ever considered that you could be addicted to your father's drama? That this dance you two are in, and that you share each step of on here, actually works for you in some way? Could focusing on your dad be a handy distraction from something else that is your responsibility?

It's been universally acknowledged his behavior is appalling. You can predict it with near-perfect accuracy. So... what to do with that information.

I know what you mean. I've changed a lot but I still can;t help getting angry about it..... I know its not great.

Yeh sorry I do rant on here but it does make me feel better. If its too much maybe I should stop.....honestly.

[justducky]

When I've obsessed on stuff and knew I needed to stop, I'd give myself a schedule, if you will. I would not check on the thing I was obsessing over more than once every six hours, or once per day, etc. It depended on the issue. 

That helped me tremendously. It broke the cycle of rumination. I'd congratulate myself when I followed the schedule. Before long my obsession waned and there was no need for a schedule.

Just wanted to offer that idea. Do with it as you'd like.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Justducky I think that's a good way of dealing with it. I did something similar. When we were going through all of our NC drama and I still had to live my everyday life and be a good mother, I would sign the little ones into the childcare at the gym and just pound away on the treadmill with music on and sometimes cry while running. It was a good physical release but it also put a limit on how much I focused on the Great Matter. Eventually I was just having a normal workout, and could even go to a class with other people during that time instead of being a puddle in the corner of all the machines. While I needed that at the time, I didn't really want to stay in that place emotionally.

Yes, p123 you have changed a lot since the time you were almost divorced over all this! You deserve credit for what you have achieved, and we also want to encourage you to keep going!

[FromTheSwamp]

P123, have you ever considered that you could be addicted to your father's drama? That this dance you two are in, and that you share each step of on here, actually works for you in some way? Could focusing on your dad be a handy distraction from something else that is your responsibility?

It's been universally acknowledged his behavior is appalling. You can predict it with near-perfect accuracy. So... what to do with that information.

I know what you mean. I've changed a lot but I still can;t help getting angry about it..... I know its not great.

Yeh sorry I do rant on here but it does make me feel better. If its too much maybe I should stop.....honestly.

Personally, I don't think it's too much.  You're a bit stuck (I've been there) and sometimes to get unstuck you have to talk it out.  You are making progress.  Sometimes it's slow, but you've also had some leaps.  Some of my leaps have been when I have put in the work to move forward.  And other leaps are when there's a change in the situation - I also give myself credit with many of those, because when the situation changed I made good decisions on how to manage those changes from my end.  It's a challenge not to get pulled in further when there is a crisis, real or manufactured.  When our PD parents are elderly, and things go wrong, it feels mean not to help as much as we can, and it can take a lot out of us to hold on to our boundaries.  And when that's happening, I need support. 

[square]

I don't actually think you're stuck. You've been making progress. In just the last few months I've seen you stop fighting with yourself on whether you should do the things your dad demands. Before, you'd be upset by the demands and going back and forth in your mind about whether you should do them and then upset about the costs to you and how absurd it all is. But never really feeling okay about saying no.

Now, you are just saying, nah bro, not gonna do that. Yes, still upset he is pulling thus crap, but no longer taking the demands seriously.

Compare the changes in YOU between your Spain trip and that Florida trip. In Florida, hiw many phone calls did you make? How much space did he take up of your holiday?

In Spain, I doubt he took NONE of your mental real estate, but my goodness, zero phone calls and it sounds like you fretted just a small FRACTION of the time.

Also, your response to FM cousin was different somehow than it would have been just a few months ago. You were not pleased, but there was zero fretting about whether you were wrong or what FM must think. You were all "screw that, FM can sit in A&E fir five hours if he wants, too bad." Before you would have been JADEing all over the place.

Well done.

[FromTheSwamp]

Many people would consider me still stuck because I am in quite a bit of contact with my parents, and that contact makes me unhappy.  I chose to stay in contact with them, mostly because they are elderly and need my help.  I have strong boundaries with them, these days, which makes everything much easier, but yes, the contact still hurts and sometimes I need support about that.  One of my closest friends, who has lovely parents, just does not understand why it matters to me if my parents have what they need.  To my friend, it's clear that my parents don't care about me, so why should I care about them? 

It's complicated.