Convinced hes "so ill" - no-one can tell him different

[p123]

Thanks all - Im certainly getting more annoyed lol.

Good thing is so is everyone else now. Including the FMs. Cousin text me today - "Im gonna tell Dad  no next time he asks me to run around doing things for him". Hell yeh go for it!

Even today though Dad is talking about cancelling his home care because hes got a whiff of having to pay for it in 6 weeks. Don't you dare!
Hes going to have a shock I think - the rules are if you have savings its £100 a week you have to pay yourself.

[p123]

He does seem to be still the same. His cousin tells me he told him "no more" but I think Dad is sticking with his rhino skin....

Hes back to his usual self. Swept under the carpet that hes been to A&E twice for no reason in 2 weeks. Back to doing all he can to NOT spend any money.

Thats what he does. He'll have an off day in a week or so, find some health problem and think he can phone his cousin to take him back for a day trip to A&E again.

Thing is I KNOW the last 2 trips have been "made up". The 1st one I saw him the evening before, he was fine yet he woke up and decided he needed the doctor. This time the hospital told him he had a "mild infection" and sent him home (medical speak for nothing wrong but have some antibiotics because I cant be bothered to argue with you).

I'm just so glad that cousin has agreed that next time, he will tell Dad hes  unavailable. Otherwise its going to continue. Dads going to have a day where he feels a bit icky, a bit down and the whole thing will repeat.

[FromTheSwamp]

It was darkly amusing to watch the various FMs of my parents peel off as they got treated badly over time.  One of them must be really thick skinned because he is still in contact even though they have been horrible to him.  He used to get so upset with me because I wouldn't fix whatever the problem of the week was, but one time I went through step by step all the things I had done to fix the problem, and how I couldn't actually fix it because only my parents had that power.  He got much better after that.  But so frustrating in the meantime.

My parents still annoy the crap out of me, and like I said, contact with them can be painful, but the thing that's really changed is that I no longer expect them to reciprocate any kindness I send their way.  That really cushions the hurt.  I know they aren't capable of the love I used to want them to show me.  I see most of what they send my way as rather transparent manipulation. 

The process of working through all that has been hard and awful, and all the while they continue to be annoying as heck. 

It's too bad your dad can't see all the kindness you've given him over the years, all the work you've put in to keep him comfortable and safe. 

[p123]

It was darkly amusing to watch the various FMs of my parents peel off as they got treated badly over time.  One of them must be really thick skinned because he is still in contact even though they have been horrible to him.  He used to get so upset with me because I wouldn't fix whatever the problem of the week was, but one time I went through step by step all the things I had done to fix the problem, and how I couldn't actually fix it because only my parents had that power.  He got much better after that.  But so frustrating in the meantime.

My parents still annoy the crap out of me, and like I said, contact with them can be painful, but the thing that's really changed is that I no longer expect them to reciprocate any kindness I send their way.  That really cushions the hurt.  I know they aren't capable of the love I used to want them to show me.  I see most of what they send my way as rather transparent manipulation. 

The process of working through all that has been hard and awful, and all the while they continue to be annoying as heck. 

It's too bad your dad can't see all the kindness you've given him over the years, all the work you've put in to keep him comfortable and safe.

FromtheSwamp - yes I must admit it is mildly amusing when you see the FMs finally work out whats going on......

[Poison Ivy]

Or maybe the title of this thread could be "Knows he's not ill but likes the attention he typically receives if he says he is ill."

p123, I suggest that you decide the amount and the schedule of the attention you give your dad, and don't allow the amount and schedule to be based on your dad's health. For example, call him every Thursday evening; visit him once every two weeks or once per month; whatever you pick, have it  always be at the same time (if possible for your schedule and other obligations).

[Boat Babe]

And lessen the amount of your headspace he's currently taking up.  Not easy but good for you.

[p123]

Or maybe the title of this thread could be "Knows he's not ill but likes the attention he typically receives if he says he is ill."

p123, I suggest that you decide the amount and the schedule of the attention you give your dad, and don't allow the amount and schedule to be based on your dad's health. For example, call him every Thursday evening; visit him once every two weeks or once per month; whatever you pick, have it  always be at the same time (if possible for your schedule and other obligations).

Yes I do this but fair play to him hes pushing back hard

[p123]

And more.....
In the last 3 weeks, hes had 2 A&E visits and now this week hes trying to tell me hes "so ill".
I asked him what the problem was. Silence. No nothing new then. I've pre-warned his cousin. I can see an A&E visit coming on. Time to lay low.
Its amazing that no health professional has picked up on what hes doing.

He's got carers coming now every day but he's still not happy.

Personally, I think he'd be the happiest person in the world in a care home. Someone to fuss over him 24/7. BUT, no chance.
At the moment, it feels like all he wants from life is to phone me and for me to fix his "old age" problem, then to have a few people "on call" to drive him to hospital when he wants.

I offered to take him out to watch cricket tomorrow night. Hes already told me hes "too ill". I don't know why I bother.

[lkdrymom]

He wants you to fuss over him.  Going to cricket is not fussing.  You will be watching the game, he wants you to watch him.

I swear the people at the hospital don't actually look at his history.  One time I went to the ER to check on my father and the guy at the front desk kind of snarked at me...'we were wondering when you would get here".  I should have told him off but at the time I didn't quite comprehend what he had said.   My father did not have a life-threatening issue, no one from the hospital called me....the companion I hired did, I was at work so not like I could just drop everything and run there and most importantly he goes to the ER at least twice a month for nothing....didn't anyone bother to look at that??? My father was happiest when he was in the ER, someone would check in on him every 15 minutes.

[nanotech]

My UNPDdad did this before covid. At the moment he's still worried about covid so hasn't yet gone back to his frequent A&E  trips.
He definitely likes the attention.
Another aspect that features strongly, is his fear of old age.
When he was young he would talk about old people as if they were another species. Working in the pharma industry, he was aware years ago, that for elderly folk  a minor issue can precede or signpost  something majorly wrong.  He could talk about this with interest. Now he's old himself, it scares him.
He recently told me, with great concern, that he had an 'ache in his groin.'  He went to the GP( he's still scared of A&E) who sent him for an x Ray. He thought he'd broken his hip. Either that or he worries about cancer.
Turns out he'd pulled a muscle.
The  GP had to tell him- don't worry about aches and pains, it's your age!
I just think at the heart of it, he is just terrified of old age and death. So the slightest  tiny little niggle, and he wants a doctor's opinion ASAP.
My dad had already told me ( several times!) about this flipping groin ache- how worried he was because ..'they might not even offer me surgery, I might not be eligible!'  ( he's 90).   
He was just relieved afterwards. He's no sense that he's  constantly overreacting- he doesn't learn.
He's never happier than when he's just had an ECG done on his heart, and a medical professional has just told him all is well and good. The glow lasts a while, the anxiety recinds- and then the cycle begins again, ending up with him needing it checked- again. 

We can't stop them being old. We can't make it all go away. We all age and we all have it face.

[justducky]

He's got carers coming now every day but he's still not happy.
...
I offered to take him out to watch cricket tomorrow night. Hes already told me hes "too ill". I don't know why I bother.

Your father is the definition of exhausting.

I say take him at his word. He's "too ill" to go to the cricket match.  Best that he stays home and rest. Set the ringtone for his number to "none" and enjoy the evening.

If you're consistent he'll learn.

[p123]

He wants you to fuss over him.  Going to cricket is not fussing.  You will be watching the game, he wants you to watch him.

I swear the people at the hospital don't actually look at his history.  One time I went to the ER to check on my father and the guy at the front desk kind of snarked at me...'we were wondering when you would get here".  I should have told him off but at the time I didn't quite comprehend what he had said.   My father did not have a life-threatening issue, no one from the hospital called me....the companion I hired did, I was at work so not like I could just drop everything and run there and most importantly he goes to the ER at least twice a month for nothing....didn't anyone bother to look at that??? My father was happiest when he was in the ER, someone would check in on him every 15 minutes.

Yeh I think so but what on earth can I do?

Most people would think oh great a trip out, my son it taking me somewhere nice and we can do something together. Nope 2 days before "Im too ill to go " drama drama woe is me....

Yep 2 E&A visits last two weeks. Both times sent home.
I can see another this week to be honest.

I've had Social Services visit - hes got carers every day now. I had a conversation on the phone with them which went like:-

- He can dress himself
- He can use the bathroom
- He can cook and feed himself
- Hes got an adapted bathroom
- Hes got a charlift
- He has "meals on wheel".
- He has carers (for now).

They're the same as me as in hmmmm? ok so what are we missing here.

[p123]

He's got carers coming now every day but he's still not happy.
...
I offered to take him out to watch cricket tomorrow night. Hes already told me hes "too ill". I don't know why I bother.

Your father is the definition of exhausting.

I say take him at his word. He's "too ill" to go to the cricket match.  Best that he stays home and rest. Set the ringtone for his number to "none" and enjoy the evening.

If you're consistent he'll learn.

Heres the best thing - "so you'll pop up Tuesday evening then?"
Umm no I've got a ticket for the cricket now so I'm going remember?

I'm thinking hang on now, I was going anyway, I invited you which is a LOT of hassle for me to pick up, put up with your crap, now you don't feel like going and suddenly I don't get to go and have to change my plans?

[p123]

My UNPDdad did this before covid. At the moment he's still worried about covid so hasn't yet gone back to his frequent A&E  trips.
He definitely likes the attention.
Another aspect that features strongly, is his fear of old age.
When he was young he would talk about old people as if they were another species. Working in the pharma industry, he was aware years ago, that for elderly folk  a minor issue can precede or signpost  something majorly wrong.  He could talk about this with interest. Now he's old himself, it scares him.
He recently told me, with great concern, that he had an 'ache in his groin.'  He went to the GP( he's still scared of A&E) who sent him for an x Ray. He thought he'd broken his hip. Either that or he worries about cancer.
Turns out he'd pulled a muscle.
The  GP had to tell him- don't worry about aches and pains, it's your age!
I just think at the heart of it, he is just terrified of old age and death. So the slightest  tiny little niggle, and he wants a doctor's opinion ASAP.
My dad had already told me ( several times!) about this flipping groin ache- how worried he was because ..'they might not even offer me surgery, I might not be eligible!'  ( he's 90).   
He was just relieved afterwards. He's no sense that he's  constantly overreacting- he doesn't learn.
He's never happier than when he's just had an ECG done on his heart, and a medical professional has just told him all is well and good. The glow lasts a while, the anxiety recinds- and then the cycle begins again, ending up with him needing it checked- again. 

We can't stop them being old. We can't make it all go away. We all age and we all have it face.

Yep seen that. Dad has a fairly black and white view - you got to the doctor they give you a pill you are better. Of course, especially doesn't work like that in old age.

Last 2 hospital visits have been completetely faked. Its all in his head. I saw him the one evening before the 1st visit - he was fine. He gets out of bed the next morning, and somethng in his head says "ohh thats serious".

As I've said before  a few people have tried:-

GP - "Stop phoning us for the same thing and listen to our advice"
which went to "we're not coming out anymore for the same thing" - Now they refuse and tell him to go to A&E

Lifeline contact (emergency thing around his neck) - "Emergencies only - stop abusing or we'll cancel"

Ambulances senior manager - "Its emergency only" - Last time he called they arrived 8 hours later.

Hospital - "Mild infection have some anti-biotics" which, according to medical professionals in my family, means nothing wrong, have these to make you happy and go home.
Alas, hes not banned from hospital yet.

But you speak to him and NONE of this has sunk in at all. In his head, hes just a VERY VERY ILL PERSON.
In reality if I could walk around a little, look after myself and live alone at his age I'll be more than happy!

[Boat Babe]

My UNPDdad did this before covid. At the moment he's still worried about covid so hasn't yet gone back to his frequent A&E  trips.
He definitely likes the attention.
Another aspect that features strongly, is his fear of old age.
When he was young he would talk about old people as if they were another species. Working in the pharma industry, he was aware years ago, that for elderly folk  a minor issue can precede or signpost  something majorly wrong.  He could talk about this with interest. Now he's old himself, it scares him.
He recently told me, with great concern, that he had an 'ache in his groin.'  He went to the GP( he's still scared of A&E) who sent him for an x Ray. He thought he'd broken his hip. Either that or he worries about cancer.
Turns out he'd pulled a muscle.
The  GP had to tell him- don't worry about aches and pains, it's your age!
I just think at the heart of it, he is just terrified of old age and death. So the slightest  tiny little niggle, and he wants a doctor's opinion ASAP.
My dad had already told me ( several times!) about this flipping groin ache- how worried he was because ..'they might not even offer me surgery, I might not be eligible!'  ( he's 90).   
He was just relieved afterwards. He's no sense that he's  constantly overreacting- he doesn't learn.
He's never happier than when he's just had an ECG done on his heart, and a medical professional has just told him all is well and good. The glow lasts a while, the anxiety recinds- and then the cycle begins again, ending up with him needing it checked- again. 

We can't stop them being old. We can't make it all go away. We all age and we all have it face.

I read somewhere that fear of death is actually fear of life. Our PDs spend so much time and energy NOT facing themselves, not being in touch with their truest, deepest selves (as we all must in order to live with courage and compassion)  because their pathology does not allow it. They live in fear, even if they're not aware of it, because they are isolated from themselves and therefore everyone else. Fear breeds hatred, as we know.

Truly mind bending stuff.

[p123]

My UNPDdad did this before covid. At the moment he's still worried about covid so hasn't yet gone back to his frequent A&E  trips.
He definitely likes the attention.
Another aspect that features strongly, is his fear of old age.
When he was young he would talk about old people as if they were another species. Working in the pharma industry, he was aware years ago, that for elderly folk  a minor issue can precede or signpost  something majorly wrong.  He could talk about this with interest. Now he's old himself, it scares him.
He recently told me, with great concern, that he had an 'ache in his groin.'  He went to the GP( he's still scared of A&E) who sent him for an x Ray. He thought he'd broken his hip. Either that or he worries about cancer.
Turns out he'd pulled a muscle.
The  GP had to tell him- don't worry about aches and pains, it's your age!
I just think at the heart of it, he is just terrified of old age and death. So the slightest  tiny little niggle, and he wants a doctor's opinion ASAP.
My dad had already told me ( several times!) about this flipping groin ache- how worried he was because ..'they might not even offer me surgery, I might not be eligible!'  ( he's 90).   
He was just relieved afterwards. He's no sense that he's  constantly overreacting- he doesn't learn.
He's never happier than when he's just had an ECG done on his heart, and a medical professional has just told him all is well and good. The glow lasts a while, the anxiety recinds- and then the cycle begins again, ending up with him needing it checked- again. 

We can't stop them being old. We can't make it all go away. We all age and we all have it face.

I read somewhere that fear of death is actually fear of life. Our PDs spend so much time and energy NOT facing themselves, not being in touch with their truest, deepest selves (as we all must in order to live with courage and compassion)  because their pathology does not allow it. They live in fear, even if they're not aware of it, because they are isolated from themselves and therefore everyone else. Fear breeds hatred, as we know.

Truly mind bending stuff.

Over the last 10 years Dad has turned into 1% of my old Dad left, and 99% just someone who worries/stresses/manipulates.
Theres just no joy left just planning and scheming to get what he wants.

[Andeza]

It definitely gets worse with age. PwPDs tend not to age gracefully. They're either in denial that it's happening at all, and therefore take none of the wise planning steps, or they take it waaaaay overboard and ham it up to the max. "I'm sooo old." "I'm sooo sick." "I won't make it another 5/10/15 years!" (Still around!)

[Boat Babe]

My grandmother was dying for years and years. She finally proved this, dying on her 101st birthday.

[moglow]

Over the last 10 years Dad has turned into 1% of my old Dad left, and 99% just someone who worries/stresses/manipulates.
Theres just no joy left just planning and scheming to get what he wants.

Mommie dearest gave up when Dad passed away in the mid 1990s [she was younger then than I am now, btw]. In her mind, she became "the poor widow woman who must be taken care of from now on" - that's where her mind got and has remained stuck. It honestly didn't occur to her that she'd never built or nurtured any relationships whether in her own family or in her community. We were all on shifting sand with her and subject to the ever-increasing storms she created, but she somehow got it in her mind we'd play all Norman Rockwell happy family to her [unspoken] specifications. That's not quite how it's turned out. Whatever planning or scheming she does is entirely within herself as she's basically cut off or shut down all of us. Her own family/siblings are long since gone and they were the only ones still willing to put up with her bs. BUT to hear her tell it, I've "ostracized" [her word] her from the rest of our family. Um okay.

But joy? Laughter? Kindness, compassion, anything more than the most superficial emotion or obligation? None of that is any different from what it ever was. She just doesn't have it in her and never really did. My only regret is that it took so many years for me to really get that it's not personal. BUT I did get enough and had to shut it down for my own peace of mind - at this point I honestly don't know that I'll see or speak with her again in this life. Mother was never clingy and pushy like your dad though - she's most definitely the abandoning type and has remained so. I guess in that I'm lucky?

 

[Starboard Song]

Heres the best thing - "so you'll pop up Tuesday evening then?"
Umm no I've got a ticket for the cricket now so I'm going remember?

So you kindly said "no, I'm afraid not. I'm going to that cricket game." and forgot all about it, right?

That is what you must aspire to. You are giving this guy hours a day of free time in your head and angst. He has ZERO power over you from what I can tell. You give him power he doesn't have when you ruminate over easily sealed up events.

"You coming over Tuesday?"
"I'm afraid not."
* call terminated *
All done.