Why does the system protects the PD?

[escapingman]

Maybe this should have been out in working on myself, but I put it here.  DD started to talk to me about what she was planning to do, then what she wanted me to do. I made an assumption, and she went furious and screamed with all her voice straight in my face. That seriously triggered my flight or fight response and I had to sit and calmly breathe for 5 minutes before my brain stopped telling me to chase after her and stop what had already stopped. DD obviously reacted on my assumption like the projection her mum used to do and that was her flight or fight response, which triggered my flight or fight response.

We both need so much healing.

[moglow]

We both need so much healing.

Yep. It's going to take time for everyone. Those exposures to her mother very likely trigger that reaction within her as well. Y'all may need to renegotiate terms of engagement all along, make it clear you are both free to go back later in the day with "hey, I kinda lost it earlier and wasn't hearing what you needed me to hear. Can we talk now?" Things are going to come up and we'll all react instead of respond until we learn better. Admitting we need work, need help, or just need a caring ear isn't easy when we've experienced something very different every time we've tried to open up. What she wants to do may not always be realistic, but it's not wrong to just hear her out. You may be able to offer alternatives or when you listen her off that ledge you may see that she's already considering alternatives and just needs to voice them. Like you, feeling like she's being shut down isn't easy.

Hang in there.

[escapingman]

Social worker went to see GC and uNPDx, not sure what was said but a couple of hours later DD started receiving messages from GC. I really doubt this would have been her own act and I wonder what has made uNPDx to encourage her to start contact. One can only think that she has been forced by the social worker as her keeping them apart will go against her in the report. DD was very wary about what the purpose of the messages and frankly is fed up with being dicked around by them. I also left a short letter for GC to read with the social worker, I haven't heard anything about it but I am sure it was shared with uNPDx and uNPDmil afterwards and laughed at and then binned.

I also received the list of items uNPDx and GC wants from the social worker, at least I can deal with that now and pressure is off DD. I am however not happy at all to pack up items of GC that belong in our home and send to her at uNPDmil. I suppose I have to play the game and corporate as much as possible, but no words about the items promised for DD.

I spoke to my solicitor yesterday and I had made a mistake in my not understanding the text in law language, the contact order is not expiring today as I thought, it is not expiring until we have agreed on the finances. That means I am still safe from uNPDx turning up unannounced and no contact is still in place.

[escapingman]

I just wonder what it is they are not getting, I have just been referred to a Separated Parents Information Plan which is supposed to help parents communicate better with the children's interests first. The below states what the programme is for, every single bullet point makes it obvious this is not going to be anything other than a waste of time. First of all, there are massive safe guarding concerns which it clearly states it shouldn't be. Then, uNPDx does not want the childrens best - she is only interested in winning and hurting me. Mediation has also already been ruled out due to the domestic violence accusations.

When might a SPIP be a good idea?
* When parents have separated and want the best for their children.
* When the parents have difficulties focusing on their children's needs due to ongoing conflict.
* When feelings and reactions to the separation are affecting the parents' ability to communicate about children.
* When communication needs to improve.
* When there are no safeguarding concerns about children or parents.
* When mediation is being considered as an option

[losingmyself]

This is a thing we had to do when I divorced the kid's F.
Just a loophole. I knew it was all b.s., complete waste of time.  We both sat through it, then he ignored every bit of advice given, as expected.
I figured it showed a willingness to be reasonable.  One of us, anyway.

[Associate of Daniel]

EM, a few years ago my UNPD exH and I did this at the recommendation of a court psychologist in her family assessment.

We did it separately from one another.

Like you, I knew it was not going to be beneficial for my situation.

It did it because it was important to look like I was being reasonable and wanting the best for our ds. (Which of course, I was reasonable and I did want what was best for ds.) But my prediction was correct.

Like a lot of government funded mediation, psychologists etc, the course was designed for normal, reasonable, healthy people.  A one size fits all approach.  Fairly pointless when dealing with pds.

However, I'm glad I did it.

I was able to help a lot of the people doing the course as by that stage I was 7 years out of the marriage. Most of them were only at the beginning of their journeys.

I also met another lady who was in a similar situation to mine. She was dealing with broken restraining orders.  I gained a lot of knowledge about how they work and the various legal problems surrounding them.

So the course itself was pretty useless for my situation, but it was beneficial in other ways.

I suggest you do it - and do a seperate one from the one your wife does, if you can.

AOD

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies, yes I have to do it as the court order it. Hopefully uNPDx will skip it as that would be reported back to court. We will not do it together so that's a relief. I just went the pre course survey, quite funny (not really) but I could not answer most questions as they relate to current communications and we are not allowed any contact at the moment. But looking at them from my perspective, I don't think it matters one bit how I would answer the questions and how much willingness I will show, she will only be interested in getting her way anyway.

However, it is reasonable calm right now and I am trying to regroup and do everything exactly according to what I have been asked by everyone. I will keep reminding everyone of every little thing she trips up on until she eventually will trip up big time. She is right now withholding things from DD which DD is furious about, I have told the social service girl what is going on so let's see how that ends up. If DD doesn't receive her items by Friday she will go berserk, maybe she will message uNPDx and trigger her. Let's see, I am staying out of it other than monitor the situation.

[Stillirise]

EM, I remember being where you are, and hoping that I looked like a swimming duck—gliding peacefully across the water in the eyes of the kids and others, while paddling fiercely  underneath.  I feel like you're managing to achieve that right now.  Well done! 

One thing I think you can count on, from both my personal experience, and multiple stories shared here, is that she will eventually show others who she really is. She may keep some folks fooled for awhile, but certainly not everyone.  Now that you've stopped enabling, caretaking, or whatever your role was in the marriage, the mask will slip.

It can be hard to sit on your hands and do nothing except jump through hoops, while you're waiting for it to happen, but it will be so worth it when it does.

You're doing an excellent job of navigating a very perilous situation. I hope you're able to feel good about that, and give yourself grace on the days it seems like it isn't going well!

[SonofThunder]

EM, I remember being where you are, and hoping that I looked like a swimming duck—gliding peacefully across the water in the eyes of the kids and others, while paddling fiercely  underneath.  I feel like you're managing to achieve that right now.  Well done! 

One thing I think you can count on, from both my personal experience, and multiple stories shared here, is that she will eventually show others who she really is. She may keep some folks fooled for awhile, but certainly not everyone.  Now that you've stopped enabling, caretaking, or whatever your role was in the marriage, the mask will slip.

It can be hard to sit on your hands and do nothing except jump through hoops, while you're waiting for it to happen, but it will be so worth it when it does.

You're doing an excellent job of navigating a very perilous situation. I hope you're able to feel good about that, and give yourself grace on the days it seems like it isn't going well!

   

Stillrise, the swimming duck analogy is great and SO true!

SoT

[xredshoesx]

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