Accidentally found out she died

[Spring Butterfly]

Is it wrong to accept it, knowing that I don't deserve it? 

why in the world don't you deserve it? You did for years and years without compensation of any kind - monetarily or otherwise.

The fine print of the letter lists out all the things that another family member did to care for her, including dealing with "code violations" so I assume someone finally reported her for the cat hoarding. This family member is asking for a sum out of the estate that I would gladly have paid anyone to deal with her, so that is fine with me.

Hired help - perfectly reasonable. Think about this - she clearly has no problem at all asking for money as compensation. Why is it shameful for you to receive money as compensation??

But, like, seeing in print, listed, everything that they cleaned up that I did not do, because of being NC, is hard and triggering and I am feeling a lot of shame.

and what about all the things you DID do for so very long??

Take your inner critic and its shame to court - it is running on old programming, her voice, not the voice of reason and sound thinking.

[countrygirl]

Hi Stasia,

I can really relate to your fear about being contacted by her relatives.  I was subjected to abuse by one of my father's relatives, who knew NOTHING about how my father had behaved.  She did not understand why I'd had to keep my distance.  However, I knew why, just as you know why you had to go NC.  (I considered NC, but never quite achieved it.  But I HAD to keep my distance.)  You feel shaky now, because almost all of us feel shaky when a parent dies, no matter the circumstances.  But you are a strong and resilient person, no doubt about that.  In the unlikely event that you are contacted by relatives, just hold strong to that, and tell them that you can't communicate with them if they are going to be abusive.  Remember, you've already done the really hard thing.

[Fiasco]

Although my BPDm will undoubtedly live forever, strolling the eventual apocalyptic wasteland searching for someone to tell what a terrible 13 year old I was, I have lost my good dad and received a substantial inheritance from him. All inheritances are fraught and the first most important thing to do with that money is to put it in a separate and dedicated bank account and forget it exists. Poo on anyone who goes on about wasted opportunity this or lost income/interest that, inheritance is too hot to handle when you get it and is best left alone to cool off. After a year I felt comfortable getting a financial advisor (never had any money worth being advised about before) and doing a few things with half of it. After three years I realized I feel like the money is mine and other than occasional feelings of sad/grateful I don't associate it with my dad any more.

I'm not belittling the massively greater emotional turmoil you're going through. My dad's death was both sudden and traumatic and his will was written by my sibling and signed on his death bed with my encouragement despite him being extremely out of it. I felt like I stole the money for a long time, even though there's literally nobody else who would have received any of it. Then I felt angry he hadn't had his act together to make his own will, POA, etc and left us in that position in the first place. Then I spent a year telling everyone if I could use the inheritance to buy my dad back to life instead I would, as if I had to justify my worthiness. It was a mess, I was a mess. However I'm actually grateful for this experience because it's changed my tune from exactly what you describe abut feeling like an inheritance from my mom will be poisonous to "eh, it's just money".

To sum up, all of this is awful, for everyone, put the money aside in a nice savings account that earns nothing for decades if necessary, and probably make yourself a will and POA documents while you're at it.

[Seven]

When I finally received my part (split 7 ways) my financial advisor had called me to come in to see what 8 wanted to do with it (uNM and I shared an advisor, but our financials were not intertwined whatsoever).  You'd think I go out and spend every dime.  I told him I really didn't even want it, and that it ppl it wouldn't make my mom look bad to others, she would've left it all to my brothers.

The amount I rceived was minuscule compared to the numbers these big financial advisors want to deal with. So I cashed it the IRA part, and took half of the individual brokerage money.  ThI rest is just sitting in the account.

I bought a trailer for our business and used some for inventory ou4chases, but I haven't really purchased anything for myself whatsoever.

But I get it.  It just seems like dirty money. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. 

[Zebrastriped]

Stasia, I feel for you, that's alot of surprises.  Its smart and generous of you to agree that the person who took care of the house in the end should receive the reimbursement they asked for. 

Definately make sure you tell the lawyer to keep your contact info confidential.

It was her choice not to use the money for her care or to pay off the house.  And, from what I remember, she was making this choice for a long time.  You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it or change it.

If there is no personal emergency for you, sitting on the money for a little bit while you process your emotions might be a wise idea. 

You had mentioned previously wanting to go back to therapy, could you fund that with this money?  Self care is a good thing.

Don't fuss about other people's expectations, there's no societal playbook for this situation. 

Do what you need to to be at peace with yourself.  I hope its an easier journey than it looks right now.