Nothing has changed, nothing to say

[moglow]

Today/yesterday's saga - bro text late yesterday: md doesn't understand why everyone isn't hovering, calling, planning to visit. "They know I just got a new pacemaker but it's like just another day to them. I probably won't get another one. Youd think they'd ..." Him: No, YOU'd think that. Nothing has changed. Have you called anyone, acted like they matter, asked what's going on in *their* lives?? When is the last time you did any of that!! (That's when the "Yeah buts"  started.) Yes. She's still the center of the universe. 

He gets points for heading off that pity party but no ma'am, no need to call pretending I matter. I'm good, just over here straining fresh homemade chicken broth to put in my freezer for "later."

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. That's quite some calling-out by your bro. But I can well see why you do not require the call. My uNPD mother has noticed my grey rock behaviour and has recently taken to asking what is going on in my life. Which is always "nothing much" but the tick box question is hardly better than the preceding monologue.

[moglow]

Tick box questions, indeed. I told him if she starts calling at least I'll understand why! He's had about enough of her insults and blowing everyone off while demanding they take care of her. AND complaining that "they're doing it wrong" the whole time. Apparently he's walked out on md a couple of times this week, said he has other things he needs to do and can at least do them in peace at home. 

[Hilltop]

She is burning her bridges isn't she.  He is trying to care but if she keeps telling him he is doing it wrong no wonder he is giving up. Seems like now that you are out of the firing line your poor bro is right in it.

@CallmeCordelia yes, sorry, it does feel different to be blamed, even when that blame is wrongly placed.  The difference I can see is that you understand and are trying. 

[bloomie]

Moglow - the thing that strikes a very familiar note in your describing the behaviors of md is the lack of gratitude that underlies all of it. Gratitude to have the opportunity and blessing of another day of life, gratitude to have a son willing to help her through all of this, gratitude to have grown adult children who are responsible, fine people, gratitude for the roof over her head and food to eat. I could go on, but it is a terminal kind of dissatisfaction that seems to poison every thought and word spoken. It is an attitude of the heart that it would take a miracle to turn, soften, and change, ime.

I imagine you and all of siblings want to shout in loud chorus together to md: "You are welcome!!!"  (irony included for free)

@Call Me Cordelia there is a clear difference between this ⬆️ and a busy mother exhausted by the fountain of info and detail our children can sometimes be. Being human, having limits, being expected to listen until our ears fall off to a darling child's musings and passions taxes every single person at times. That condemnation you are hearing in your head is unwarranted and unfair. You shut that voice down and lift up your head and carry on!!

[nanotech]

It's so strange how she acts about the photos and texts. This may have been said, but I feel as if it's a way of denying the whole new way of communicating that we have access to today. I don't think it gives her the control she craves.
My elderly dad can be like this.
Also, he completely refuses to text. He will use a mobile phone, and can use it, but only when it completely suits HIM,for HIS gain. So I know that his ability
to do so is there. Yet he only ever communicates by landline, unless he has a narcissistic request and he knows I'm not home.( happened once on the funeral morning of my aunt. He tried to hijack all of the attention with one of his faux illnesses).
Your mother has put up a massive stop sign, and she's taking much delight in your frustration.
 She's blocking this kind of communication, and trying to blame you. She must get a huge kick out of the drama.
Getting a new phone means she's able to do what SHE likes on it, while keeping you on that horrible treadmill of blame.  Just step off. Stop caring if she's seen pics. Send them or not but don't ask her if she's got them. It's all to make you second guess  yourself and offer her attention.
 They love to do this.
She wants nothing less than a load of complete and utter fawning in person, probably every day ( but not if she doesn't feel like it!)  She wants this. Even if you did this, she would consider your actions only 'passable', as all entitled PDs do. Another   poster mentioned the total absence of gratitude. Yep, there'd be none. Even if you gave your whole life to serve her.
I'm sending hugs! XxxxX
 

[moglow]

He will use a mobile phone, and can use it, but only when it completely suits HIM,for HIS gain. So I know that his ability
to do so is there. Yet he only ever communicates by landline, unless he has a narcissistic request and he knows I'm not home.

YES! Md can and will text, but she's only really interested in what she has to say anyway. She used to always during the workday when she knew I wouldn't answer, claimed that's because I was so hard to talk to. [Translation: I'd answer her nonsense questions and voice my opinions of same. So I'm difficult.] Eventually she did the same with texts and I think got a charge out of supposedly not getting my responses. That was a built in mad for her don't you know, and she brought it up every time I talked to her. That got really old.

I find it sad more than anything else, that after years of complaints that she didn't get my texts and couldn't receive pictures of her great grandchild, she gets a new phone and says nothing. My youngest brother was crushed when she told him flat out to "not waste his time sending pictures of his grandbaby ..." her GREATgrand and she had not one whit of interest?!!

It's all a control mechanism for her - she controls who can contact her and when. Once she gets an excuse in her head, that's where she stays. Now not much of anyone really tries so I guess it worked for her, she can claim being left all alone.

[moglow]

...the thing that strikes a very familiar note in your describing the behaviors of md is the lack of gratitude that underlies all of it. Gratitude to have the opportunity and blessing of another day of life, gratitude to have a son willing to help her through all of this, gratitude to have grown adult children who are responsible, fine people, gratitude for the roof over her head and food to eat. I could go on, but it is a terminal kind of dissatisfaction that seems to poison every thought and word spoken. It is an attitude of the heart that it would take a miracle to turn, soften, and change, ime.

@bloomie - that's nowhere to be seen. What she does have is a grasping greedy selfishness that appears to have no bottom. She commented to me last week that "T has been a jewel through all this." I repeated it to him, not sure if md ever bothers to thank him directly. Had she actually thanked him? Nope. She just moved on with the next thing she wanted/he needs to do. It's all *due* her, part and parcel of her being The Mother. I can't tell you how many times I've heard her say what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine - it sounds all cute and funny until it dawns that she means it!

[nanotech]

He will use a mobile phone, and can use it, but only when it completely suits HIM,for HIS gain. So I know that his ability
to do so is there. Yet he only ever communicates by landline, unless he has a narcissistic request and he knows I'm not home.

YES! Md can and will text, but she's only really interested in what she has to say anyway. She used to always during the workday when she knew I wouldn't answer, claimed that's because I was so hard to talk to. [Translation: I'd answer her nonsense questions and voice my opinions of same. So I'm difficult.] Eventually she did the same with texts and I think got a charge out of supposedly not getting my responses. That was a built in mad for her don't you know, and she brought it up every time I talked to her. That got really old.

I find it sad more than anything else, that after years of complaints that she didn't get my texts and couldn't receive pictures of her great grandchild, she gets a new phone and says nothing. My youngest brother was crushed when she told him flat out to "not waste his time sending pictures of his grandbaby ..." her GREATgrand and she had not one whit of interest?!!

It's all a control mechanism for her - she controls who can contact her and when. Once she gets an excuse in her head, that's where she stays. Now not much of anyone really tries so I guess it worked for her, she can claim being left all alone.

I'm a place now where I've stopped caring. I still love my dad but I accept all of his characteristics, one of which I think, is not being able to love others, at least, not very deeply or well.
Accepting their limitations sans emotion or blame, works for me.
 Boundaries? Hell yeh! It's the way to manage them, but it won't change them. They'll never have that epiphany.
Do we need them to have it in order to fully live our lives as adults? Nope. Would it be nicer if they were engaged, loving and empathic with us? Of course- but we don't need it. Seeking it just twists the knife in the original wound. We will likely always have that wound, but we don't need to perpetuate the pain by causing it to it throb and bleed. Every time we look for a change in them and then are yet again disappointed, that happens.
He's just the same re my grandkids. There's just not the feeling there. He sometimes makes overtures, pays lip service, due to the pressure of society which tells him that it's a 'good'thing to do. He appears to try. But I've seen so many examples of his complete non caring, and downright disregard of his children's children, that I've realised that this is all fake.
As he's got older, he's not hidden it as well and my husband and son have also seen it. One sibling has also been at the brunt of it. Another sibling is the golden child. He's had a lot more lip service paid to his kids, but still, the actual feeling, you can see it isn't there, even for these golden babies. It's looking at the actions, not the words- it illuminates the emptiness of what's said.
Ah well. It just is what it is. Acceptance is the key of freedom. It feels like a bit of a bereavement at first, but then it does become like a burden lifting.

[moglow]

Acceptance is the key of freedom. It feels like a bit of a bereavement at first, but then it does become like a burden lifting.

@nanotech Preach! Every day it gets easier, my heart lifts and I find laughter I thought I'd lost. All my life I carried her around like it was my stuff. It wasn't. She foisted it all off on me and insisted it was mine to carry. When I stepped away then some more, I realized she never came to me. She never reached out or followed through with anything. She never showed real interest. I tried sharing parts of my life and she either brushed it off or ridiculed me even more. There was never any acceptance of me as an individual - I didn't realize how much I needed that, just being accepted as I am.

[nanotech]

Yes it's such a pity - they don't get it. They think providing a roof and meals is their entitlement to own us and mould us into what they want us to be. Then we get to be at their beck and call for the rest of their life? And we're supposed to like it? Um nope. Not doing it. 😌

[moglow]

@nanotech - I keep going back to this:

It's so strange how she acts about the photos and texts. This may have been said, but I feel as if it's a way of denying the whole new way of communicating that we have access to today. I don't think it gives her the control she craves.

I don't get it either. There was a time I'd blocked her phone and made it clear to her why - her texting me to pick fights, only for her to commence a round robin of text then message then call me from her home phone [and not answer any call I made in response]. She was LIVID that I dared say No More to that nonsense - I told her she could contact me via cell or home phone, pick one and I'd honor it. She spun off the deep end and went another round with the multiple phone chaos so I blocked her cell, then she brought it up in every conversation afterwards. Eventually I got a new phone, didn't realize the block had expired months before. She kept claiming she couldn't reach me and I called her on it, told her flat out that the block had expired and when, and of course she accused me of lying. It was interesting that she also accused me of trying to control what she did in her own house. Nope, you're just not going to control mine!

THEN she decided to disconnect the home phone since she got so many spam calls, seemed to want a whole big discussion about it. Nope, your phone your rules, you do you. Wasn't long after that she claimed she didn't get my texts anymore - conveniently after one of her throwdowns that "if you don't stop this shit [me voicing my opinion!] I'll pull your stunt and block your cell phone!" Mkay. Well apparently she did because months later she claimed to not get my texts, back and forth and back and forth. Her demanding that I get my phone checked. No need, we can talk on this phone just fine. Just don't text me. It really got laughable, her demands that I text but she didnt get them, but we could talk on that same phone with no problem ...

Years of phone nonsense and control mechanisms that served no real purpose. I can only blame myself - and laugh. This place where I am now, the lack of any obligation or guilt, just living my own life? I should have found it decades ago. So I enjoy it a little more.