square embraces inner ostrich

[square]

Yeah, I was thinking I'd make the agreement at seperation, but informally (this will be a lawyer-free divorce). H will probably honor an informal agreement that we spell out in writing. The big question just is whether he'll be in such a tight spot I won't even hold him to it. We'll see.

Good point about the inheritance. I'll mention this. I do have leverage because my name is on the deed. So if a future woman wants to change something, they can't do anything without my agreement. So I can consider DD's position as part of that. There isn't going to be any other assets to consider.

[SonofThunder]

Yeah, I was thinking I'd make the agreement at seperation, but informally (this will be a lawyer-free divorce). H will probably honor an informal agreement that we spell out in writing. The big question just is whether he'll be in such a tight spot I won't even hold him to it. We'll see.

Good point about the inheritance. I'll mention this. I do have leverage because my name is on the deed. So if a future woman wants to change something, they can't do anything without my agreement. So I can consider DD's position as part of that. There isn't going to be any other assets to consider.

I may not understand what you mean by 'agreement', but you may desire to legally understand the law-legitimacy of any written agreements between a husband and wife in your location.  An informal agreement (even in writing between a husband/wife in private) may not hold up in a court of law, vs a formal written agreement using a lawyer and filed in the proper manner within the legal system. 

SoT

[square]

It's just the risk I'll have to take.

Option A: Spend all the little remaining on lawyers, and don't move out.

Option B: Keep the money, move out and hope I can make it, and maybe get a couple hundred bucks a month in four years.

[Rose1]

Tough call. Can you get it witnessed by someone your husband respects and would feel bad about disappointing?

[square]

He'll honor it if we put it in writing so there's no question about what we agreed to. It will be complicated by schizophrenia and some days I'll get accused of all sorts of garbage, but he'll do it.

[notrightinthehead]

You can only make your best decision. If it turns out a wrong decision, you will deal with it then.
After I got out it took me a while to re-group. I was kind of frozen, like in shock. This came as a surprise, I expected to feel enthusiastic and skip with joy.
I so wish for you that you get out safely and have no regrets when you look back at your decision. You might even have more energy as there will be less unpleasantness to protect yourself from on a daily basis.

[square]

You can only make your best decision. If it turns out a wrong decision, you will deal with it then.

Agreed.

After I got out it took me a while to re-group. I was kind of frozen, like in shock. This came as a surprise, I expected to feel enthusiastic and skip with joy.

I get that. I know when I get notice the housing unit is available, I'm going to be a wreck. I'm going to be scared, guys. I'm usually calm and can handle all kinds of stuff, but I'm going to be shaking.

And after? I've had these lovely fantasies of a calm clean space, and full productive days instead of hiding out and waiting for him to go to work late afternoon. But will I feel shocked and frozen instead? I might.

I so wish for you that you get out safely and have no regrets when you look back at your decision. You might even have more energy as there will be less unpleasantness to protect yourself from on a daily basis.

That means a lot to me, I appreciate it.

[SonofThunder]

You can only make your best decision. If it turns out a wrong decision, you will deal with it then.

Agreed.

After I got out it took me a while to re-group. I was kind of frozen, like in shock. This came as a surprise, I expected to feel enthusiastic and skip with joy.

I get that. I know when I get notice the housing unit is available, I'm going to be a wreck. I'm going to be scared, guys. I'm usually calm and can handle all kinds of stuff, but I'm going to be shaking.

And after? I've had these lovely fantasies of a calm clean space, and full productive days instead of hiding out and waiting for him to go to work late afternoon. But will I feel shocked and frozen instead? I might.

I so wish for you that you get out safely and have no regrets when you look back at your decision. You might even have more energy as there will be less unpleasantness to protect yourself from on a daily basis.

That means a lot to me, I appreciate it.

Hi Square,

My experience at the onset was a push-pull combo of both feelings existing together. Why shouldn't it be that way?  At first I wanted to push back against the "...kind of frozen, like in shock" of notright's words as I felt that feeling was muddying the clearer waters of your own words, the "...lovely fantasies of a calm clean space, and full productive days instead."

I then had to accept that I spent decades in the conditioning of living with a PD and thats a lot of layers of piled-up sediment that will eventually erode away. We non's have learned over time to endure, and so if we can mindfully accept that the weeds of our past will grow among the steadily spreading seeds of the flowers that bloom in our new garden, we will stop expending so much energy on trying to have a weed free garden. 

Instead, we can learn to recognize and identify the weeds and deal with them one by one, while we promote the beautiful flowers and the new and gentle foundational ground-covers that will eventually, render the weeds no space to call home. 

You can do this!  You are a strong lady Square!  Enjoy the pockets of blooming colors as they show themselves in your new future space. 

SoT

[Rose1]

None if us know how we will react. In my case it turned out I had done my grieving over the years and I was just done. I wasn't expecting that.

I was also very busy with kids and trying to pick up pieces. I was in a fog for about 3 months during which time I might have had ex back but he didn't ask.
Instead he continued with harassment, parental alienation etc. after about 3 months I came out of my fog and started to realise I had a measure of peace between his attempts at attention seeking ot whatever it was.

Having this behaviour wasn't pleasant but so much better than living with it. I could come home after work, the girls and I made dinner, chatted, did stuff. Then went to bed for a restful sleep. The first few months I had PTSD nightmares but once they stopped it was peaceful. (I didn't know what they were until much later).

Anyway, it's a process, unexpected things come out but the general feeling of relief and more energy starts to kick in. Also help comes from unexpected places.


One friend said to me "you'll have less money but once the spending by him isn't there anymore, you'll have more at the end of the week than you used to". That was true.

[square]

My experience at the onset was a push-pull combo of both feelings existing together. Why shouldn't it be that way?  At first I wanted to push back against the "...kind of frozen, like in shock" of notright's words as I felt that feeling was muddying the clearer waters of your own words, the "...lovely fantasies of a calm clean space, and full productive days instead."

I then had to accept that I spent decades in the conditioning of living with a PD and thats a lot of layers of piled-up sediment that will eventually erode away. We non's have learned over time to endure, and so if we can mindfully accept that the weeds of our past will grow among the steadily spreading seeds of the flowers that bloom in our new garden, we will stop expending so much energy on trying to have a weed free garden. 

Instead, we can learn to recognize and identify the weeds and deal with them one by one, while we promote the beautiful flowers and the new and gentle foundational ground-covers that will eventually, render the weeds no space to call home. 

You can do this!  You are a strong lady Square!  Enjoy the pockets of blooming colors as they show themselves in your new future space. 

SoT

I read this very carefully, thanks for sharing your experience. I appreciate what you said about accepting the push-pull and accepting the natural course of things. That is something I'm going to be keeping front of mind.

I anticipate the fear but am just pushing it aside because I don't know how it will turn out. I will be afraid, but things might take on their own momentum somehow.

And I'm also kind of holding on to the idea of taking a leap of faith. My personal belief is that God does not interfere, that we all have free will and there are no guardrails. My primitive prayers are to try to choose the right things, not to ask for something to happen. So this leap of faith is not about thinking God will solve my problems, nor that there is an ordained future or magic path.

It's more like, I have to let go of something, I've used up my options and have to take a risk.

If I can get there, I'll have to face those weeds, and I'm not looking forward to it. It's a mess and it will hurt and I don't know if I can get it out or if it will just fester. But I'll remember to just accept the process.

I also feel strangely averse to that push-pull of conflicting feelings. I think I used to be able to accept this state. But my husband no longer has anything solid to him, just a swirl of shifting feelings. So I feel averse to the idea of shifting at all, I want to feel one way about something, and I want it to make logical sense. But that is of course not true to human nature, and it's a feature, not a bug.

[square]

None if us know how we will react. In my case it turned out I had done my grieving over the years and I was just done. I wasn't expecting that.

I was also very busy with kids and trying to pick up pieces. I was in a fog for about 3 months during which time I might have had ex back but he didn't ask.
Instead he continued with harassment, parental alienation etc. after about 3 months I came out of my fog and started to realise I had a measure of peace between his attempts at attention seeking ot whatever it was.

Having this behaviour wasn't pleasant but so much better than living with it. I could come home after work, the girls and I made dinner, chatted, did stuff. Then went to bed for a restful sleep. The first few months I had PTSD nightmares but once they stopped it was peaceful. (I didn't know what they were until much later).

Anyway, it's a process, unexpected things come out but the general feeling of relief and more energy starts to kick in. Also help comes from unexpected places.


One friend said to me "you'll have less money but once the spending by him isn't there anymore, you'll have more at the end of the week than you used to". That was true.

Thank you, Rose. You're right, we will all have our own reactions and won't know until we're there.

I think I've done most of the grieving, but on the other hand, I have so many emotions stuffed away that there's probably a lot left. Also, I still love my husband and surely always will. I do not believe I'm at any risk for getting back with him if I leave. I'm afraid, but not of being alone.

Being busy with kids sounds helpful even if tiring. My kid is a young adult but I anticipate being busy supporting her with her education starting soon. Which is good for both of us. I'm also really hoping to find some of my own projects.

You mentioned PTSD nightmares. I had not thought about that, but I think I will have to work through some dreams.

Also help comes from unexpected places.

I really believe that.

It's interesting he chose to behave in ways that solidified your decision, rather than in ways that would cause you to second guess yourself.

Thank you for sharing your experience.