The truth war begins

[Poison Ivy]

I'm so sorry this is happening, escapingman. I think you need a plan, whether or not the judge changes his mind tomorrow. It's not clear to me that at this point your GC can be trusted to not cause harm no matter what legal order your spouse is subject to.

[hhaw]

EM:

I'd follow up the injured arm with a doctor visit to document and ensure there's nothing serious wrong with the arm.

THIS is absolutely not OK, btw.  Your T should have reported the worst of the abuse and should report this and I'm sure you've recorded everything. 

Monday needs to be a day with evidence and MAYBE 3 very well thought out reasons for the protective order...... and that's complicated bc GC is harming SG.... how does your T see that shaking out?  It's clear SG DOES these disordered things when her mother directs her to....... she gets along fine with you and SG when her mother isn't instigating, from what I can tell.

This is so serious...... this is so wrong and protections need to be put in place for both childrens' sakes.

I just don't know....maybe you should take SG or both girls and go to a domestic violence shelter till tomorrow or to a friend'shome or to a hotel but the violence is real and present and I don't see it getting better.  I see it gettting much worse and you KNOW that's a real possibility.  Your T KNOWS.....your attorney KNOWS.

How can you SHOW this Judge it's real?

Select 3 of the most egregious acts with airtight evidence and bring tapes you can play that will show this Judge what stbx IS and DOES and how the children are being manipulated and abused and put in the middle and forced to choose sides and how is SG doing?

Is SG OK?  How in the world are you comforting her and how in the world will she ever trust she'll be safe in her world..if she's ever been safe. 

I see supervised visitation with stbx, therapists for the children, you making a good plan and following through...... the kids have to have one good enough parent in their life.

You're it.

[escapingman]

I am just beside myself now, more incidents this morning. If nothing is done very soon there will be a disaster. Spoke to solicitor and gave all the latest evidence, hopefully I get a hearing with the judge today where we can make him change his mind. If that's not possible, my plan is to just take SG and go to a hotel. GC would never come with me as she is obsessed with STBX, when I tried to speak to GC about her relationship with her mum she said that the only thing she wants in life is to with her mum. That scared the living daylight out of me. SG is planning to talk to her teacher if she is brave enough, if not I will call the school as soon as I know what's happening with court. I am worried, really worried as the only way to stop GC and STBX seems to be by violence and that is a path I am not prepared to go.

[justducky]

Horrible turn of events, but you're handling it. Glad to hear that you and others are reporting the abuse and STBX's abuse of you and SG by proxy.

I suspect that GC's sudden change in demeanor before STBX got home was prompted by texts from her mother.

I'm thinking of you and the girls. 

[SonofThunder]

Horrible turn of events, but you're handling it. Glad to hear that you and others are reporting the abuse and STBX's abuse of you and SG by proxy.

I'm thinking of you and the girls.

Breathe deeply EM. Big long inhales, slow exhales.  The brain needs that oxygen to strategize your next careful moves in the ongoing war.

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

 

I will keep you in my prayers today.  Sending all of you including the solicitor and judge kindnesss, wisdom and courage.

Sidenote:   In a calm, direct and kind voice, with eye contact, offer in a short sentence to your GC, "The offer to live with me is open now and always."  Or what is comfortable to you.  Don't but it or add to it or envelope it or anything.  Just a clear short sentence that is given with all your love.  She needs to hear it from you that you want her - your daughter - that you want her with you.  If you but it or add to it - that one sentence that will live with her for her entire life - will  be lost.  But if done right and if you can repeat it over days and weeks, it could be the lifeline she needs.  Remember, she may not take it now and thats ok.  Good luck

[escapingman]

The court never got back to my solicitor today, these delays are getting painful as the fighting and abuse just continues. STBX shouted at GC and GC attacked SG so SG ran off out the house so I had to go out and find her. If the court doesn't get a wriggle on I will need to call the police, which I wanted to wait until I had the non molestation order sorted. As STBX thinks she stands above the law I expect her to still attack me with a non molestation order, which would make an occupation order almost a given (that's her being forced out of the house).

The girls are having test weeks in school at the moment, SG complained to me she isn't doing well as she can't concentrate. I told her I will speak to school but she begged me not to and said she will speak to the head teacher herself. I suppose I give her a couple of day to see if she will do it, if not I will call school. What a nightmare this is.

[justducky]

 

I'm so sorry. What an awful situation.

Please consider taking SG with you to a hotel, and GC if she'll go. They both need protection. As you're well aware, things could escalate quickly and someone could be seriously injured in addition to all of the trauma you and the girls are experiencing.

[justducky]

Please also consider what the girls are learning from this experience.

1. The world is not safe.
2. The loudest, meanest, and most violent people get their way.
3. It's okay to lie to, manipulate, and hurt others.
4. If you're being attacked and abused, you have no recourse. You have to keep quiet and just take it.

Every time GC attacks SG or visa versa, that behavior becomes a little more ingrained. The chances that they'll respond to stress or conflict with violence in the future increase. Their future is being sabotaged bit by bit.

Please, please, please break this cycle and report STBX to the police and any other government orgs that might help.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[bloomie]

escapingman - The living situation - from what I understand - is untenable for your children and yourself. My heart breaks for all of you involved.

Here are some emergency resources that I strongly advise you to make good use of along with emergency services and domestic violence services in your area.

https://outofthefog.website/emergency
https://www.thehotline.org

An important article:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/put-children-first
Here is an excerpt that sums up just a bit of what your children are experiencing:

Put Children First means making decisions based on "what is in the best interests of the children", regardless of the consequences for the parents and any other parties involved.

If you are reading this, it is likely you are at somewhere in the middle of a long and difficult journey. On that journey there will be many forks in the road that you can't necessarily see right now. If you have children, asking yourself at each and every fork in the road: "Which way is best for the children?" and choosing that direction will help you avoid some common mistakes.

Children are often the victims in dysfunctional family situations because they are in a position of almost complete powerlessness. They have inferior physical strength with which to defend themselves. They lack the experience and mental aptitude to understand fully what is happening. They generally have no alternate means of food, shelter and emotional comfort than from their parents. Unless they can display horrific visible scars, cuts and bruises on their bodies, they have no access to legal protection from either of their parents. They may be exposed to chronic ,sustained physical emotional or sexual abuse with no escape. Parents can divorce each other, but children cannot divorce their parents.

This community has come alongside of you and supported you. Offered insights and great wisdom and the common voice you are hearing over and over again is to get help for yourself and your children from highly trained professionals who can and will guide you.

As an online community we cannot give you the depth of help you need right now.  The in real life analysis and planning that you need. The dangerous atmosphere you are describing is beyond the scope of what we are equipped to safely advise you in.

Please consider spending the time and energy you are expending here toward contacting your local agencies and finding solutions for yourself and your children.

We wish you and your children safety and strength in the coming days.

[escapingman]

I am not sure what you are trying to say Bloomie, should I not share my story here anymore? Should I stop receiving the support I have from my fellow friends here? If I hadn't put my children first, I would have been long gone. I am spending almost all my awake time supporting and protecting them from STBX. I am fighting for their survival by finding out how to get STBX removed from the house, for her to stop both physically and emotionally abusing them. I am getting there, I really am. I have a plan, but to have a plan doesn't make it happen in an instance. Right now I am trying to get court orders to stop her abuse, at the same time I am finding out the best way to get the girls the support needed by school. I am also planning to report STBX to the police, but at the right time. This is a war, not just battles. I need to win the war for my girls to be safe, not short term battles. I am knackered, but I am soldiering on, I am fighting. I might not need to much advice about the process and what to do, but I do need the support and the well wishes. I have basically stopped working and are spending 100% of my time on protecting the children, healing and fighting.

But if this is not the right forum for my fight, please let me know and I will stop posting.

[justducky]

There is now literal violence in your home, mostly perpetuated by one of your daughters on the other daughter and on you. All of this is due to STBX's goading and manipulation.

Report all of this to the police, the girls' school, and the equivalent of Child Protective Services ASAP. And get SG (and hopefully GC) out of the house and away from STBX!

SG literally cannot defend herself or escape. Get her out.

Your girls are being physically harmed in addition to the mental harm. If one of them were bleeding, would you wait for a medical professional to tell you "Apply pressure to the wound"?  No. You'd TAKE ACTION and do what you could to prevent further damage.

Stop waiting for the courts to do something. Get your daughter(s) out of harm's way. You have the resources to do so. STBX will rage. She's already doing that anyway.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with justducky.

[hhaw]

I think Bloomie is saying your time for waiting has passed, EM.

[square]

EM, my thought is that you need to call the police the next time there is violence.

That will also help with documentation.

I admit I'm unsure, like you, how they will respond if the violence is between the girls only and not stbx. We all kniw stbx is engineering the violence but I'm unsure if the police will get it. BUT you can still show even a "failed" call as documentation in court later - to answer the question "why didn't you call the police?"

Additionally, I think you need to call social services.

Keep posting here, but also start calling police and agencies.

EM, I don't suggest this lightly. I'd be terrified too.

This is not legal advice but a thought from a place of common sense: after the police visit, if they don't remove her, I imagine going to a hotel and asking the kids if they want to come could be documented as a move for safety rather than abandonment of your interests or kidnapping. I expect SG will say yes and GC will say no, but GC will know that you have not turned against her. And be nearby in case you have to come get her, if stbx turns on her again (and call police as much as needed).

[hhaw]

EM:

I imagine a domestic violence shelter advocate can give you the pros and cons of staying in a shelter or going to a hotel as it pertains to your legal case and ability to get a protection order in place.

Your attorney doesn't see this sort of thing all the time, but the DV advocates do, likely.

They might walk you through the police report and many other things you're dreading and in need of support to get started.

Ask for help and tell the truth... don't downplay anything.  Don't protect the stbx.  Show the latest acts and have your evidence lined up to show how things are so they can't be disputed.

[escapingman]

Thanks all for your concerns and support, I can assure you all that I am doing all I can to protect my children. However, it might look like I am doing it to you but I do. I have been weighing up all various options and I have my way I am trying to go. STBX is dangerous to the girls, if she keeps her influence over them she will seriously damage them, not only physical but mentally. There is no chance what so ever that I could leave the house right now and get both girls with me, GC would just not come, and leaving her with STBX on her own would be detrimental for her. Even though GC is currently bullying SG at home, at least I can keep an eye on it and interfere. If me and SG leaves, who is going to be STBX punch bag? As it won't be me or SG, it would be GC, on her own in the house with STBX. As GC would fight back, God knows where that would end.

So, as my emergency plan always is to get SG or both girls, the real plan is to try to get STBX out of the house and have as little to do with the girls as possible. I am not sure I have enough for the police to actually get her sentenced to prison, but certainly to have her questioned and possible get her tried in court. The problem with the police comparing to the non molestation order I am pursuing right now is the time, it could be a year or longer before any trial and she would most likely not be imprisoned during this time. I am fully indenting to report her to the police, but it is not the first priority. Talking to the school is an immediate action for me, I have the name of the person at school so I will try to make an appointment this week. I am also going to contact either my GP or social services again, I probably will use the GP as she or he can refer both to the police and social on my behalf.

I am not sitting her doing nothing, I have a clear plan, and I am protecting the girls. The violence between GC and SG is nothing compared to what could be between STBX and GC if I leave the house!

[guitarman]

You can also contact your local carers centre. They will be able to support you emotionally and practically during week days. They will have a mental health carers support worker. You will be able to phone them several times during office hours for support.

It's what I did when my uBPD/NPD sister was having a traumatic crisis and threatening her husband with a knife.

I was in such a panic state. My sister was behaving histrionically and erratically. She was very unstable. I couldn't think straight fearing what may happened next. It was devastating for me. I felt so alone and frightened. Those are the worst feelings. Not knowing what to do to help other people and myself.

I was broken and the carers centre were always there for me.

For people in the UK contact Carers Trust
https://carers.org/


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.