Ack-Unexpectedly Seperated

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Yeah, H is on the antipsychotics and mood stabilizers too. A doctor would say he is very stable. But it's all relative.

That really big episode was so scary to me. And exhausting. He did not sleep and would talk nonsense to me for hours and hours. And would go wandering at night - basement, outside, I don't know where. He locked himself out of the house and I woke up at 3am to incredibly loud banging. He wrote a document and posted it online somewhere. He did a ritual that he thought would kill him. He actualy managed to keep going to his work shifts. I was terrified to call an ambulance or anyone at all. Finally the cops carted him off to the hospital in handcuffs.

He had a more minor episode the next year and I had a trauma response, shaking and dverything.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, there has been psychosis, suicide attempts, depressive episodes, and hypomania. But, comparatively, nothing like that episode (save one very scary psychosis episode). That was when panic attacks, trauma responses and such started. The no sleeping for her also meant very little sleep for me, over a long stretch. Yes to the talking non-stop, having to go out and move at all hours, hypographia, involved and distorted theories, and stuff like hallucinations. 

[MaxedOut]

Just found out after a board meeting my sTBXw made a post to social media saying I cheated and lied, I think right after I told her I was leaving (and why). She has a pattern of fixation on me cheating when dysregulated(and of course she is the one who did cross that line to a degree a number of years ago).

Sigh.

I knew from everyone's experiences and PD guidance and her history it was a distinct possibility and battened down some hatches early on. It's just a weird way to find out, weeks later from a colleague. The board member said the post came down pretty quickly. (That does explain a text I got the day of the split from someone I haven't been in contact with recently.)

This is also someone who I've known ~20 years, so before meeting my wife. We haven't been close and she wasn't aware of the abuse or about anything being wrong with the relationship but she did say something like "I noticed you seem so much lighter. I thought, 'there's the old MaxedOut'."

She was concerned by the post when she saw it but was genuinely happy from seeing me and being struck by changes in how I am in the world.

[notrightinthehead]

There you go - you accepted that you cannot control what your wife does. And you got positive feedback that others notice that you seem lighter! That's progress! Congratulations.
Another thing that was very helpful to me in the early year - I read a lot about stoicism.

[NBRiverGuy]

Maxed and Square. What are your experiences with the anti-psychotics? W started Abilify about a month ago. She was in the throes of a manic episode for about three weeks before she started taking it and just started leveling off this week. She seems pretty stable right now. No more fits of rage since the beginning of November. The Abilify was prescribed by her GP who diagnosed her as bi-polar in the middle of a manic episode. It's a low dose from what I have read (5 mg). What should I expect based on the experience with your SOs.

[SonofThunder]

There you go - you accepted that you cannot control what your wife does. And you got positive feedback that others notice that you seem lighter! That's progress! Congratulations.

+1

SoT

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I don't know. It's so hard to separate the various threads: possibly multiple mental illnesses, innate personality, behavioral choices, and their genuine lived experiences of us (including reasonable feelings of mistrust and betrayal due to us withdrawing and any past hurts we have caused).

My husband is on an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer, and an OCD medication. A doctor would pronounce him "extremely stable." He hasn't had a mania in years.

He does have persistant, nearly nonstop visual hallucinations, but not delusions (he is very much able to separate the hallucinations from reality, but when he is not engaged in something he does kind of go unplugged as it's hard for him to focus and a relief to just attend the hallucinations). Sometimes he edges into "weirdness" that's hard to describe, but so far those episodes have been brief and infrequent.

He is still driven by moods. Unlike what I've heard described, he doesn't change moods on a dime. He wakes up in whatever mood he's going to be in, and that dictates how the day will go. Usually it's either distant/distracted/unplugged, or mildly angry and resentful. Some blessed days he is calm and normal. Rarely but nit never he is cheerful. But more often is the tornado, with a black aura that shatters a room without him saying a word.

The meds didn't stop him from hating or blaming me. Was it a mental illness that led to that? Or his personality? Or his genuine lived experience of me, as a wife who maybe never wanted to hurt him but did anyway? A wife who withdrew from him, perhaps for good reason, but could not be reached even on his good days? On top of his total despair over the total wreck of his life and dreams that his illness, whatever it may be, has wrought?

I don't think my H has a diagnosis but I could be wrong. He was hospitalized years back and they put down Brief Psychotic Disorder, but by definition he can't still be having that. So either bipolar or schizophrenia.

[MaxedOut]

NB, meds are super individual in terms of effects, tolerability of side effects, and how long effective ones continue to work. And different kinds of antipsychotics are useful at different points (e.g., seroquel is often given to bring down mania as it causes sleepiness and is an anti-psychotic). Abilify and Rexulti are from the same manufacturer and based on the same research. Note: both of these can be hard to get off of and often require long tapers; your wife should not stop taking them without a plan. Abilify is now more widely covered by insurance, while Rexulti has major access/cost issues (but often available as samples from prescribers). Notably Abilify is one of the highest spends for Medicare or Medicaid.

One thing that can be helpful is gene testing as it can help ID issues that may be going on (e.g., genes known to affect seratonin levels) and whether certain classes of drugs and specific drugs may be more or less prone to side effects and more or less likely to work, plus some info that can help a prescriber understand possible dosing (e.g., genes affecting liver metabolizing). Genesight is one my wife used and it was pretty good when compared to experience with meds. Most take a while to get a sense of their effectivness and side effects though Abilify can often show a pretty quick response.

With bipolar, schizoaffective, and schizophrenia finding the right combo of medication (if there is one, and the side effects are tolerable) can be a long process (years). It is also typical to need changes over time as an effective drug or combo often stops working well over time. I have a few friends with bipolar who have had better medication responsiveness and far fewer medications needed than my spouse. A few things to be aware of with bipolar - taking antidepressents without a mood staibilizer can cause mania and psychosis; taking steroids without a mood stabilizer can cause mania and psychosis; marijuana use can cause psychosis (not true for everyone but a known issue).

[NBRiverGuy]

Thanks Square. I relate to your comment about his genuine lived experience of you as a wife who never wanted to hurt him but did anyway. As I've learned more about PDs and my own enabling, I often wonder how much my own behavior has worsened her condition over the past 20+ years. I spent a lot of time trying to hide her behavior from public view and making excuses for it when I could not hide it. By not allowing her the opportunity to clean up her own messes, did I make things worse? Probably. Oh well. You can't turn back time. Thanks as always for sharing your experiences with the meds. I'm just grateful for the calm at home right now regardless of the reason.

[NBRiverGuy]

Thanks for the info, MO. My therapist said that same thing about the anti-depressant effect on bipolar disorder. She was concerned that the Abilify dose was very low for what they appeared to be treating and suspected that may have something to do with the prolonged and extreme manic state. My T used to work in the state psychiatric hospital and has lots of experience with meds. Like I said, this medication was prescribed through her GP. She is going to see an actual psychiatrist on Monday, so maybe he/she will give her a proper evaluation and adjust the meds accordingly. I'm not sure about her psychosis as that seems to be a fairly broad term. I believe she does have paranoid delusions in the form of everyone is out to get her or take advantage of her, especially at work.