"family therapy" was terrible

[SaintBlackSheep]

Well, we just had our first true peaceful Thanksgiving, just the 4 of us! Me, husband, Teen and Tween daughters! NM did text a bunch starting at 8 a.m. My birthday was a few days earlier and she texted a bunch then too. And sent me a pair of child's pajamas as a gift lol! She sends these boxes of crap that cost more in shipping than the gifts are worth. She's been doing this for years to all 4 of us. Then she texts and calls incessantly to see if we've received the packages. In our extremely rural area, the mail carrier doesn't drive up our one lane mountain to deliver packages, so we just get a note to go pick up anything bigger than our mailbox at the post office, which happens to be 3 miles up the road one way, in a direction we wouldn't normally go. So it's 6 miles out of the way round trip to pick up boxes of dollar store junk.   
My family took me to a nice dinner in the city for my birthday and I did not hear my mom's texts. I haven't heard from her in over a month. She texted wanting to call me for an oddly specific amount of time, again "so her feelings dont get damaged." How about let's just not then? So I didn't. I responded "Thanks for the birthday wishes and the package." I did not even respond to her requests to text. Then later, I got a long series of texts that go like this:
"Love you and miss seeing everyone. Hoping your birthday celebration was terrific.
We are going to therapy and learning the psychology terms and what they mean for better communication and understanding.We both feel very positive in the direction we are headed.     
Learning about controlling and managing behaviors and by thinking before reacting and steps to improve our path to healing.  We are working much.
We would like to know what your family plans are for Thanksgiving and Christmas . Can we call ?   Can you call? Are you going to be home?
We both would love to talk to Tween on or around her birthday if that is possible.  No stress just good thoughts. Saying a prayer right now for great outcomes!!
'Tis atime for much happiness and peace and love to share . 💕💕💕"

I didn't know how to respond to all that fake toxic positivity and rug sweeping and zero apology or accountability. This is the most she's said since that awful visit in July and those awful family therapy sessions. I have emphasized over and over how we won't have much to say to them until they can agree to stop harming us and make amends for recent past harms. Clearly, none of that is happening here. People are asking her about us and our kids, and they have not one thing to say, so they want news and info, but don't want to lift a finger to get it. So I took my therapist's advice and sat on it for 24 hours--I had something baked in my brain since childhood to respond to her asap! NOPE! Not this time! Yay for breaking mini cycles!
Anyway, the therapist said I didn't have to respond at all if I didn't want to! I shared this in another online group, and those folks also said not to respond. So I waited more time, thinking eventually the right response would come to me.
All this to say, I finally had a mini epiphany!!    My epiphany is that I will match her energy with all communications, meaning I also can respond from a place of altered reality. I can respond to the things I want to, ignore the things I don't want to give a response, and basically react to her however I want and pretend this relationship is being shaped in the way I want it. So, I do not want to go back and forth with her and re-explain for the 500th time what my boundaries are. I do not want to get on that back and forth crazy making merry go round with her again. I do not want to continue begging her to finally treat me well. I SURE as heck do not want to chat with her or give her access to me, my life news, or that of my kids. I do not want to set up a FaceTime call where she can pretend they did not drive us from their home with their awful behavior the night before my MIL's funeral. I do not want to make idle chit chat with them and let them ask my kids for details about our lives. So after 3 days, yesterday I responded "Happy Thanksgiving!" LOL and now it just makes me laugh! She wants to play the avoidant game? Fine. I will too. She can't say I'm ignoring her. She can't go around to relatives and show them any more texts where I tell her what she did wrong and what she should have done instead. I'm sure she'll find something to moan about still, but I'm not serving it up on a silver platter for her. It's also worth mentioning that my dad is radio silent. HE was the one who escalated everything in July leading to us leaving. So yea, avoid me and the issues that are important to me? Avoid giving us what we need to feel good about this relationship? Fine. Same. Then I shall avoid giving her what she wants too.

[bloomie]

All this to say, I finally had a mini epiphany!!    My epiphany is that I will match her energy with all communications, meaning I also can respond from a place of altered reality. I can respond to the things I want to, ignore the things I don't want to give a response, and basically react to her however I want and pretend this relationship is being shaped in the way I want it. So, I do not want to go back and forth with her and re-explain for the 500th time what my boundaries are. I do not want to get on that back and forth crazy making merry go round with her again. I do not want to continue begging her to finally treat me well. I SURE as heck do not want to chat with her or give her access to me, my life news, or that of my kids. I do not want to set up a FaceTime call where she can pretend they did not drive us from their home with their awful behavior the night before my MIL's funeral. I do not want to make idle chit chat with them and let them ask my kids for details about our lives. So after 3 days, yesterday I responded "Happy Thanksgiving!"

You win both your birthday AND Thanksgiving!!!!     

I would gently observe that energy matching, refusing to abandon yourself and enter into a back and forth once again with people who have hurt you deeply is not pretending, from where I sit on this side of the screen.

It is what healthy, strong, truthful recovering people do when faced with the repeated misbehaviors of family members who are unwilling or unable to clean up their messes.

You are communicating where you stand and what you are available for without drama as works for you.

You are breaking familial patterns and protecting your peace and the peace of your precious family! You are doing so well!!!

[walking on broken glass]

I have emphasized over and over how we won't have much to say to them until they can agree to stop harming us and make amends for recent past harms. Clearly, none of that is happening here. People are asking her about us and our kids, and they have not one thing to say, so they want news and info, but don't want to lift a finger to get it.

Oh how I identify with that! I feel exactly the same about my mom and my family right now. Well done Black Sheep, for holding your boundaries and preserving your peace. You handled this so well! Your response made me giggle. Your mum's head must be spinning  😂 
Yellow rocking all the way 

[Rebel13]

So happy for you SaintBlackSheep, for your peaceful holiday and your breakthrough in allowing yourself to communicate exactly what and how you want. 

[1footouttadefog]

Yikes. 

I suppose it's right for the therapist to take it all from their perspective and to address their hurts because that is the reality she is being paid to address and help them deal with. 

You don't have to own that perspective or that of their chosen therapist.  Especially one that is not helping you be heard.  Instead of name calling which is what the therapist did in essence, she should have had some back and forth about what you brought up.  Ex you daughter seems hurt and angry about X, can you see her perspective?  Perhaps there is another way you could communicate, example ......

The individual topics should have been addressed, like treating the kids differently, and not the specifics, and you having a boundary against that overall issue, whether nails or gift cards or ect. 

I know it's hard, but accepting your reality will be better for both you and your parents on any future visits.  Do not stay with them.  Get a pet friendly hotel with common space, or get a suite with a kitchen and living room area and have them hang out there for example.  You all can order delivery and hang in neutral territory with a time limit.

Visits to there house should be for small manageable time periods.  Like a couple hours or so. Meeting at a location for a meal, an event or at a park is another strategy.  Separate cars mean exits are easy.

When I learned to keep some money in savings for car rentals and hotels, these narc fests got much easier to manage.  I was no longer at the mercy of others.  No longer a captive audience in a cage.