"family therapy" was terrible

[SaintBlackSheep]

I haven't posted in a while. My MIL died in July and my fam (me, husband, 2 daughters teen and tween,) went up 10 hours for the memorial. We stayed with my parents    and it went as bad as we expected. I've previously posted a lot about their issues, but mom is a narc with brain damage from covid oxygen deprivation, and dad is a depressed unmedicated enabler but also has a bad temper and narc behaviors, so who knows? They're a mess.

We arrived, and immediately noticed all the pictures of us were removed from the house, so were all the collectibles I've given my mom over the years (she collects a specific thing that I hate but I know she loves so I've bought her a bunch over the years. All gone now!) all the art the kids have made, etc. All gone. In their place was one single frame with a bunch of photos that were lifted off my Facebook page and printed. It was weird!

Anyway, the night before the memorial, drama ensued in which mom had a dementia outburst and invited my teen to go get her nails done (it was already after dinner time and the memorial was the next day) but not my tween. I clarified several times "you want to take Jane to get her nails done? ONLY Jane?" and she kept saying yes. I said "do you have an appointment?" No appointment. My mom never gets her nails done so she has no idea about these things, but my teen absolutely loves it! She is a girly girl but also does sports so doesn't keep fake nails on but really likes it as a special treat. I told mom it takes a couple of hours and is over $100 (she is pathologically cheap) and that I didnt see how we could fit that into the time before the memorial. It's important to note here that teen is also autistic. She is high masking, nobody can believe it, recently diagnosed, but nonetheless, it's true, and unkeepable promises like this are the kinds of things that send her into a major meltdown, and she was already stressed about the memorial and having to stay with my narc parents in the first place. We hadn't been there in a year and planned lots of activities to keep out of the house most of the time. I knew it could still go bad but everyone else held out hope, so I relented. We also have dogs we travel with and my parents have plenty of space and a big yard, so I was hoping we could make it work. I was wrong.
Mom got predictably agitated by my questioning. She hates being questioned. I was super careful at first with my tone, trying to be "curious." It didnt matter. She got agitated, I tried to explain why the nails were not going to work out, then dad stepped in and lost his temper in an angry outburst. He said a bunch of nonsense that was not true, reframed our previous conflicts over Christmas in which the other child was given a gift 5x more $$ than the teen and that caused drama. I was like "why dont you understand that you can't give one kid a gift and not the other? You can't keep doing this! This is where we have conflict!" NOPE. Not hearing it. Dad freaked out, and we left 2 days early and went and stayed an hour away with husband's friends. Not ideal but we extracted ourselves. This was mid July.
My husband pulled my dad aside on the way out and tried to explain to him 3x what the issue was, thinking he just didnt hear my mom (he is very hard of hearing but refuses to do anything about it.) Dad just kept making it about himself. Husband said they needed to get their therapist to explain it to them since it wasn't sinking in.
So now, 2 weeks ago, they finally got around to scheduling that therapist. They called me and I was put on speaker. Mom had some insanely sanitized version about what happened, pretended she did not follow me around the house shrieking as I packed and was so insane my elderly passive dog tried to protect me, had basically had been telling their therapist lies for months. Not surprising.
So I spent the hour telling the therapist how insane they are, how mom has undiagnosed brain damage from covid oxygen deprivation (she was hospitalized, on a vent, kidneys shut down, months of dialysis, she was legit wrecked from it and has never been the same) and dad has undiagnosed depression and is sad and angry constantly, named from my 21 page list of their insane and rotten behaviors, and on and on. It was truly a mic drop call. Then the hour was up and I haven't heard from them since, until today.
Now mom wants to have another therapy session. Which blows my mind. They just go there and lie to this therapist. What good will it do? I'd need 10 more hours of constant talking to tell her all the crazy shit they've done! IDK what to do.

[Rebel13]

Of course you get to make the best decision for yourself and your family. But if it were me, I'd have a long hard think about what I hoped to accomplish, the likelihood of meeting any of those goals, and how much more of my own time I'd be willing to invest based on the odds of that investment bringing about any of the changes I'd like to see.

From my perspective, you took care of yourself and your family by going to another location when things got out of hand when you were staying with your parents. That's a good boundary. What other boundaries might you like to set, that would help protect you from the conflict that you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure?

[SaintBlackSheep]

"protect you from the conflict that you didn't cause, can't control, and can't cure?" OMG thank you so much for this perspective!!

I've talked to my own therapist about this, and she's focusing on my traumatized inner child that keeps wanting to go back to my parents and smooth things over. I understand quite clearly and vividly that I have childhood wounds, but I really need tips on how to let my inner child stop driving the bus! I don't know how that part of me can heal if she keeps trying to put me in the orbit of my parents.

I allowed another phone call therapy session to be scheduled with my parents. They go into their therapist's office and call me and put me on speaker. That's how it went last time. And that's where I told the therapist 1% of all the insanity we've been dealing with. I was still astonished by how little they told her. What have they been doing in those appointments since March?! Nothing is going to change.

I'm stuck in a paradoxical situation where I am their only kid, we are their only family, we live 10 hours away because they refuse to move closer (I'm definitely no longer sad about that!!) but we really can't stand to be near them. I've cut back contact with them significantly but every interaction leaves me feeling so awful and I have several physical health problems that are serious and are exacerbated by stress. I need to be careful. I feel like, if I can tell the therapist my concerns, at least SOMEONE up there knows about their issues then and might be able to make recommendations for medical care? I dont think a therapist necessarily does all that, but it's better than nothing? But also, am I just letting my wounded inner child call the shots? Because this does feel like I have some glimmer of hope that they're going to be "fixed" which I know will never happen.
There's a disappointingly gigantic part of me that is still so rattled that their version of what happened is so completely off track. Every single drama they cause gets warped around to them just trying to do something kind and considerate, and then I show up and freak out and ruin everything. That's the narrative they've been giving the therapist. I know it's predictable, but it's really getting my goat and I can't imagine continuing to have any contact with these people who are so determined to be rotten, then demonize me for not taking it.
I guess I am just still not anywhere near healed about this, can't think objectively, can't TRUST myself, and feel stuck.

[bloomie]

SaintBlackSheep - Let me start here: I am so sorry for the death of your mil. That alone, is an awful lot to experience and work through with your DH and children.

Let me also point out, that while you were in the very thick of that loss AND after traveling 10 hours to be at a memorial service, your mother created another double bind... give me my unreasonable request to have  my nails done with only one granddaughter BEFORE you participate in honoring your mil. And your father doubled down on it right alongside her.

I wonder if there is a pattern of chaos manufacture and sabotaging and playing the provocateur with your parents? In view of their extreme favoritism toward one of your children, which you rightly did not ignore, and the insistence you attend family therapy with them when they are not communicating or behaving in trustworthy ways.. this all seems, from where I sit with what little I know, like a pattern of drama bound demands and commands that inevitably leave you with an empty basket of pain where love and grace should abound.

What if you decided to lean into what you need and want right now and even.. going forward? What if you asked your body what it is telling you you need? I noticed you are very attuned to others' needs and lightly mention the health issues exacerbated by stress that you are dealing with. The thing is... your parents have a therapist, and it seems, the means to access to care and help they determine they need. You are not required to be involved in that, to set the record straight to anyone - because you know better than anyone else who and and how they are and you choose to believe yourself and that is what is most important.

It seems from what you shared, that you are hanging on to hope that they will someday, some way be healed and whole and choose you and love you as you so deserve. I get that to the depths of my being. What I had to begin to ask myself in that is... why am I hanging on to that and how is that false hope serving me?

You may be your parents' only child...but, they are also your only parents. And if they are finding their health shifting and their home empty of family... maybe they need to take more care with the loving, beautiful, kind family they have.

There is a huge responsibility and privilege to being the elder generation I have found, and tantrums, game playing, creating chaos so bad they run you all out of their home is so far from the mandate and honor it is to finish strong and lead forward with love for the next generations I am appalled on your behalf.

I am thankful you have a therapist to talk this all through with and so thankful you reached out here. I want to recommend a resource I am just fishing up with that has helped me a lot and it is a book called "Fawning" and the author is Dr. Ingrid Clayton.

What Dr. Clayton talks about throughout this book is the behaviors we choose to stay safe and attempt to mitigate perceived danger in relationships. She walks through the ways we abandon ourselves and the compassion and gentleness we can offer ourselves as we do the work of learning how to recognize the signs and the aftermath of chosing caretaking, avoiding conflict, accepting blame where we are not to blame.. and much more. That is where I found the way of questioning my beliefs and responses with: "How is this serving me?" that I asked you above.

Keep coming back as you are able! Sending you strength as you go forward!
 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi SaintBlackSheep,

Totally second what Bloomie posted here. 

One of the things that I have learned in my journey as the adult child of narcissistic parents, is that self-absorbed people will manipulate the situation to fit them. And they will do this continuously. They are good at taking advantage of the good will of others. Including therapists.

I am not a therapist, and I have concerns about what they do when they have clients who are self-absorbed and manipulative. The therapist is making money off of keeping these people as clients, even if these people are using their visits to therapy, to look good. Not to learn. Not to learn from the therapist. I do wonder what do therapists do when they realize they are being used, by people who want to use "I'm in therapy" as a way to manipulate other family members.

When people have this "I'm the real victim here" narrative, I think a lot of us long time members here have seen this over and over with our self-absorbed family members. They go to therapy, maybe because it serves their "I'm the real victim here" narrative.

And then the damage could be to you, SaintBlackSheep because if they are the 'real' victim then you are not - you are their perpetrator. And they can re-write every event and situation, to show the therapist how they were just trying to be nice and you came along with some sort of boundary or expectation of mature behavior, and you ruined the whole thing for them. Sound familiar?

I am one of the many people here in this group, and in the world at large, who got emotionally immature parents. It is luck of the draw. I would have wanted emotionally mature parents, had I been given the option.

During the period in adulthood when we are still not being believed about what actually happened to us as kids, and what is still happening when our parents phone us or visit us, we feel really lost. That is something I have found is very common for those of us with immature parents. There's this awful period in adulthood when we know that people don't really believe us. And that is a rough time and that is why forums like this can feel like an oasis in a desert.

That is what I've experienced first hand. The more that we get time to say what is really happening, and what we've experienced, and how we feel, and that we feel believed, the easier the recovery gets.

To have parents like this is awful. Then on top of it, to not have people who believe us, about how our parents act, is upsetting for us.

I had to learn how to act with the people in my life - who act as if this is not what is really going on in my own life. And we don't want to spend our life acting.

It is not easy to work with the inner child who is still trying to figure out who is going to protect her from the next drama. If you don't have a therapist who gets that (and those gems who get it are hard to find), there are many people who do get it. Like Dr. Ingrid Clayton who Bloomie mentioned. Watching videos from Dr. Clayton is 'therapy' for me in that I can listen to what she's saying and then feel like ok, someone totally gets what I lived through as a child. And the more we feel believed, the easier it gets to keep going with the recovery from all of this.

People who were protected as children, do not seem to understand what life is like for the rest of us. Don't feel badly about not having much to say to them during this part of your process. IMHO, it feels insanity inducing to try to get people like that to appreciate what life has been like for you.

Trees

[moglow]

My condolences to your family on your loss. To me your parents' nonsense on the heels of such a loss shine a brighter light on the rot beneath. I've experienced it with mine, her turning an already difficult situation into a big drama, centered around the all important her.

Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't appear to be family therapy at all. That's you being included in their therapy with their therapist. Of course they're telling a highly sanitized version! They want to appear the victims, gain support. If the therapist were to meet/speak with you separately then a joint session, it might be different.

I understand your need to be heard, to set the record straight as it were, but I suspect that won't happen no matter how many sessions you agree to. They will hear what they want to hear - and tell you whatever version they choose too. That's how that works. Just as you have a hint of what they've told the therapist, you have no idea what the therapist has said to them. 

In the big picture, does it matter what people 10 hours away, who have no investment in this relationship or you, think? Will your participation in these therapy sessions really change anything or do they just rip open old unresolved wounds for you? 

We're here with you, regardless. You have to take care of yourself first. 

[SaintBlackSheep]

Wowwww...I continue to be blown away by the fact that kind internet strangers see and understand this situation so clearly!! I can't express my appreciation enough for all of your comments. I really feel understood, and I haven't even shared 10% of what happened.

There is absolutely a pattern of making every big event about them and manufacturing chaos during already-stressful situations. It's a lifelong pattern. No event that should have been about me ever was. Not my birthdays, graduations, not even my wedding or baby shower. Drama was ALWAYS manufactured between my mom, her evil twin, and their mother. I am NC with my mom's twin and their mother is long gone. By comparison, mom is "the normal one." Because she surrounds herself exclusively with people who are more messed up than her so she can look down on them.

I know better than to think they will change. I do. But some part of me (my inner child according to my therapist) still longs to believe they will improve. I don't know how to heal that part of me and stop longing for parents I will never have. Does the longing ever go away?

The day before the big blow up, mom waited til I was talking with a friend I hadn't seen in 3 years, then pulled my tween aside to tell her "I *WOULD* come for your birthdays, if I was allowed to." and "Ive made plans for you to spend the summer with us next year!" which caused my poor kid tons of stress. She knew I would never do that--send her away, especially to my parents, but it was still stressful for her. She didn't know what to say and didn't want it to be true. She also told my girl "I don't know why your mom just doesn't like me anymore."  The fact is, years ago mom demanded I tell her which holiday to visit for, tween's December birthday, or Christmas. I said "Im not going to decide that for you. No matter which one I pick, when the kids ask "why aren't you staying for Christmas?' you will say 'your mom said to come for your birthday' or vice versa. No thank you to THAt unwinnable situation." Teen's birthday is the first week of school, and we all are on the academic schedule, so we're all getting ready for school. To have to throw a party that week AND deal with receiving my parents as guests is something nobody wanted, and we ended that visit many years ago.

My mom kept saying in the last therapy appointment how she didnt follow me upstairs after I said we were leaving, she just went upstairs to check on the kids, who were absolutely distraught! (because of me.) My kids were so happy to get out of there that they packed up the entire vehicle and our dogs in record time while I dealt with my mom following me around, shrieking not to leave, "your taking my baaaaaaaaa-beeeeeeeez!" My kids did not even want to say goodbye. Then my tween broke down crying in my lap when we reached my husband's friend's house, saying "thank you for getting us out of there! Thank you for sticking up for me! Can we just stay here every time we visit?!" because she was the one excluded from the manicure. but Mom has contrived some version where I was insane and abusive for taking my kids away. It just bothers me so much! All 4 of us remember what happened, and it isn't what mom says. At all. WHY DO I CARE?? I just want to not care anymore. How do I heal from this?

I've agreed to do this one final therapy appointment because the last one was basically my info dump about a little bit of what was actually happening and what the actual concerns and offensive behaviors are, and I clearly stated my boundaries to the therapist and said that we were done interacting if those boundaries can't be respected. I'd like to know conclusively what the outcome of that is, and it will make it much easier for me to just wash my hands of it if I could share all that I did and have it go nowhere. I've had intrusive thoughts (which I will not actually entertain!) about having my kids record messages about what they saw and felt on that day that we left and playing them in the session. There's just this huge part of me that keeps having validation fantasies. I lived my whole childhood trapped in a validation fantasy that never came true!! It's so sad. I do not know how to just stop feeling so triggered.

[Danie]

Hi Saint Black Sheep. First of all, you yourself sounds very clear like you are acutely aware of all the dynamics and want to change or end this unhealthy family situation. I'm no authority so if I mis-speak I hope someone lets me know. I've been through a lot and am still dealing with a Narc mom. I've been talking to my T a lot about the fantasy (his word) that she will ever be like a mom to me. I know that little gnawing hope of something that feels good with her. I can't even find a thing in my life-history-past that would suggest it's possible. She has "0'" empathy or kindness toward anyone. I am quite sure she hates me now, but manipulates me to be in the loop because she is disabled and trying to stay in her house. The only thing that has helped me calm that hope of a mom is repeatedly telling my T the stories over and over of what she did that week that was so cruel and awful. He just patiently sits there and pretty much says the same thing. "cut her off". Well, I haven't but the talking has helped me tons. It's like a slow re-wiring and I've allowed myself to grieve it. I also envision a life with her gone. She's 87. I'm so curious about how I will feel. Will I have any regrets? I don't know, but I might. For now you may just have to tolerate that feeling of wanting a mom. Just hold it in a place in your mind and heart. It's there for a reason. It won't feel like that forever and don't feel bad for wanting your mom - it's hard wiring, but it's not possible and eventually your mind will get that; mine has. I also want to say, about the joint therapy sessions, therapists can tell who's lying! Right! You should not have to be in any position in a therapy session where someone is lying about you and you are disbelieved.
I'm happy for you that you have 2 daughters. Focus on that! When your parents are gone good things will fill the vacuum they leave.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Well, that second phone call with my parents and their therapist is coming up tomorrow. We will see how it goes. I've talked to my own therapist about it, and she has provided some good clarity. My sorrow is diminishing day by day that my parents will never be anything close to supportive positive forces in my life or my kids' lives. I really need to know what the therapist will do with the info I dumped during the last phone call. That will tell me all I need to know about if moving forward with a relationship with them will be possible. The message I got about the appointment has framed this call as an attempt at reconciliation, and I was asked to provide my email so the therapist can send me an agenda?! Okaaaaaayyyyyy...
My therapist said "in order for reconciliation to happen, they have to reconcile their own behaviors. Reconciliation is not just an agreement to sweep everything under the rug again. Reconciliation is a verb, and it looks like a clear agreement about what the problem is, what is causing it, how to make amends for it, and how to prevent it from happening again." So I really doubt all that can take place in an hour. My therapist asked me if I'm even ready to reconcile! I had never thought of that!    That's how warped my brain is from narc parenting--I did not even consider whether I would feel comfortable with that or not. How could I trust people who have hurt me so bad my entire life? Especially when I know with 100% certainty that my parents are who they are. I radically accept that, but that does not mean I accept it back into my life and want to put up with it. 

Mom is still lovebombing my kids on their iPads with lots of texts and nauseatingly cloying cutsie language and emojis. They are old enough to decided what to do with that, and know how to block people. They show me the texts when they come in, or they forget and show me later. They mostly feel bad for my mom, not in the sense of enabling her, but just...pity from a distance. They do see her behavior objectively. She is promising to send them whatever gifts they want, and they just blow her off.

[NarcKiddo]

Wishing you strength and patience as you navigate the second phone call. I'm glad you have talked it over with your own therapist.

[bloomie]

SaintBlackSheep - Thinking of you today! Sensing that clarity is dawning quickly and this 'meeting' will be another way to see the potentials and what is best for you going forward.

This is pure gold from your T. Thank you for sharing it with us!

in order for reconciliation to happen, they have to reconcile their own behaviors. Reconciliation is not just an agreement to sweep everything under the rug again. Reconciliation is a verb, and it looks like a clear agreement about what the problem is, what is causing it, how to make amends for it, and how to prevent it from happening again."

[SaintBlackSheep]

Ugh! It was awful! The therapist's idea of "reconciliation" is rug sweeping.
And I said no.
She had the audacity to say "I'm hearing a lot of negative. Do you have anything positive to say?" And after asking me what happened and me answering, she said not to drag up the past, that I've built a wall, and basically that I agreed to reconciliation but since I (failed in some way) "what do you suggest?"
My parents said very little. The therapist told me I'd have 10 minutes and then my parents would have 10 minutes, but then the therapist asked me a bunch of questions that I answered, while also being treated like I dominated the conversation.
My mom made some sad plea about how they just can't possibly be careful with how they treat us because Ive shut them out and they don't know what's going on in my life so how could they know how to treat me?
I said "it sounds like you want access to us like you used to have, without being willing to actually BE like those people you used to be."
And that they're ignoring the whole reason we cut access off in the first place.
It was really nuts
I plainly stated "I'm just tired of being treated badly and having every visit ruined, and I just want it to stop." And then the therapist said "well different people have different perspectives."
I just can't understand this whole thing. Like, they do mean things. I say stop doing those specific mean things, they deny, deflect, and just DARVO the crap out of me, then want to reconcile without apologizing or changing. But *I'm* the one getting busted for something?
*I'm* the barrier to reconciliation???? Like, how? Do I not have a right--a responsibility! to give my kids a peaceful life? 

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry this happened to you. It does sound awful. A therapist's primary duty is to the "patient" (in this situation, your parents). I grudgingly attended a session with my then-husband and a social worker at the end of a short-term intensive outpatient treatment program he participated in. The social worker was well meaning but she supported my husband more than me. He was the patient, I wasn't.

[NarcKiddo]

 

This whole therapy set up sounds weird to me. I am in the UK and we don't really have much of a therapy "culture" as it were, but the idea of family therapy with a therapist who is primarily your parents' seems all wrong. Surely if one is going to get anywhere it would make sense to have an independent mediator type therapist. At any rate it sounds to me like you have done your best in a difficult situation where the dice are loaded against you. Take some time to rest and recover after that ordeal.

[Liketheducks]

I'm thinking in relation to marriage counseling, the patient is the marriage.   There is a fair amount of pointing at concessions each spouse can do to get to a resolution, validating each side to a point.   Perhaps that is what this family counselor is doing.   I have no experience with family counseling...1, because neither of my parents would have admitted to needing it and 2. I frankly have made all the concessions I'm willing to with them at this point in my life.    You're doing a great job holding your ground for your and your family's peace of mind.   Holding boundaries when you need them is adulting 101.   And, we, as adult children of this dysfunction, are hardwired not to do that.   

Years ago, my husband had an affair.  Recovering from that was so difficult and also so worth it.   We were very lucky to have a very experienced and skillful counselor.  Funnily enough, part of that recovery gave me skills I needed to deal with my parents.   I needed boundaries even with people that I love or love me.   Adult relationships are conditional, full stop.   In our marriage counseling, we learned that the relationship we had prior to the affair, was over.   We had a choice to build something new and better, with better skills....or end the relationship.   For me and my parents, I've learned that they just crave me being back in the same role I was in as a child.   I'm no longer capable of that, not that girl anymore.   And, they're unwilling or unable to acquire those better skills.   For us, it just is what it is.   

When I first read your title....I thought "you got them to go to family therapy?!?!?".   How'd you do that?    I'll give them kudos for showing up to therapy.   But, not owning some of the responsibility....just seems like a waste of time and money.   Is this new or just started therapy?   Is the therapist not a great fit?

[Rebel13]

Hi SaintBlackSheep. I'm really sorry the therapy crashed and burned, but like others have said, it was a bad setup from the get-go. Since it's your parents' therapist, it's right for the therapist to have them as the focus, but not at your expense. It sounds like you did the best you could with a bad situation, and none of it was your fault.

I wonder what kind of relationship you would like to have with them? ("None" is a perfectly fine answer, btw.  ) There's a lot of focus on what kind of relationship THEY want to have, and you are very clear about what behaviors you DON'T want to see (also perfectly reasonable but unlikely they will observe your wishes). I was noticing while reading your posts a sense that 'reconciliation' would mean 'SaintBlackSheep stops complaining, we all forget about the past, and the grandparents get to do whatever they want going forward.' Everything goes back to how it was. And you are not cool with that. That's not a failure. That's having boundaries. But what does the relationship look like, for you, going forward? Phone/video chats? Visits? How often? For how long? What behaviors would make you end the call/visit? What behaviors, if any, can you reward them for in hopes of encouraging a repeat? Etc. These are all things that are up to you. You don't have to do anything just because they want you to.

Another question your posts made me think of is, since you are a parent, how would you care for yourself if you were your own child? Are there things you can do for yourself that would help that longing for loving, attentive parenting when it arises? For example, being kind and compassionate to myself as a conscious replacement for the incessant inner critic narrative is helping me a lot with that. That wish to experience kind and loving parents seems like it can only be fulfilled from the outside but I'm not sure that's true.

Lastly, many, many kudos to you for being such a great parent to your kids, allowing them to name the reality of their grandparents' behavior without having to whitewash, play along, subvert their own needs, etc. -- all the things the rest of us did to survive the abuse, neglect, emotional manipulation, and warping of reality we were subjected to. Please give yourself so much credit for not passing on the trauma to the next generation.

[bloomie]

She had the audacity to say "I'm hearing a lot of negative. Do you have anything positive to say?

Awww.. sheesh.. well now, wouldn't it be great if you did have something 'positive' to say!!!??? 

I really need to know what the therapist will do with the info I dumped during the last phone call. That will tell me all I need to know about if moving forward with a relationship with them will be possible.

Was this second session helpful to you in figuring our how to move forward?

[SaintBlackSheep]

I am so grateful for the support you all are offering. Your words have made me feel more validated than any other support system I have, aside from my own therapist. Sincerely, thank you all!

I feel really stupid because I am the one who insisted my parents get therapy as a condition to continue contact with me and my family. OF COURSE they chose a person who would not challenge them at all! Of course. And then I stupidly said, when we escaped from their house the night before my MILs memorial in July, that mediation would obviously be necessary to get them to actually hear me. And then I said I refused to do any more lifting of this relationship and that if they wanted mediation, they'd have to arrange that with their therapist. Now I see what a bad idea that was. I just really thought any mental health pro, even a mediocre one, would be able to spot their bullshit and be able to help in some kind of way, but it sounds like they're just sitting around talking about how negative I am.

The therapist kept saying "I am at a loss" and "what do you suggest" and "you agreed to reconciliation therapy." WHICH I DID NOT AGREE TO! I agreed to MEDIATION. How on earth could we "reconcile" and "repair" (two words she kept using) a relationship that my parents refuse to agree to stop actively harming first?! We can't repair anything if they are still harming! 

I said "we can't sweep this under the rug" and the therapist said "what does that mean?"      She also said, after telling me we can't discuss the past, which I only brought up in response to a question she asked, that she can repair on their end, but as long as I'm setting boundaries instead of negotiating, "the repair will be one-sided, and that it sounds like I am just stating my boundaries, and expect that they must be accepted," as if that's a negative thing? I said "well if the boundary you mean is to STOP ACTIVELY HARMING ME AND MY FAMILY, then YES, that must be accepted, and no, it's not negotiable! The damaging behaviors just have to stop, period."

I brought up inaccuracies my mother said during the last phone call, and both parents piled on to say that yes, I did say "I never want to see you again." Then when they were arguing that I actually did say that (which I did not) they changed it to what I actually DID say, which was "I can't be here. I can't come to this house anymore." Because the feeling of being yelled at and ganged up on and gaslit in that house, then when we were re-packing to flee with our two kids and two dogs and no place to go, my mom following me around shrieking at me when she realized she had no control to stop it, transported be mack in time 20 years to when I was a teen and they'd pile on me and abuse me in the exact same way. So no, I will not be setting foot into that house ever again. That is true. But they always twist everything around to make me sound like I'm insane.

Then the therapist ended the call and tried to invite me to schedule another appointment! I said "I will not be attending any more of these. I stated my position. The continuous barrage of needless toxic drama just needs to stop. That's not my work to do, and that's that."

So IDK where that leaves us. Nothing has been resolved, I feel invalidated by this experience, I have no idea how this therapist could have listened to any of the examples of their awful behavior and not had a hundred alarms going off in her head, and now I feel like in my parents' minds, that's even more evidence that they are "right" and I am "wrong." I've done enough work in therapy to know that they were/are abusive, and their abuse is always wrong. But it's still just so frustrating.

[Poison Ivy]

It seems as though you've made a good-faith effort to reach a resolution and your parents haven't. I think it would be reasonable for you to stop contact with them.

[Call Me Cordelia]

   

Well, even the therapist was at a loss so I don't know what more you can possibly do!

That's really sad that's going on, and people are paying good money to sit and spin in the same old toxic sludge, but yep, I too agree that it sounds like you're done here. Wow.