Do I need to switch forums again? lol

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My individual therapist recommended that I stay the course in marriage therapy and don't look like I am quitting as soon as I don't like something.

I'm confused by this. Your therapist doesn't want you to look like you're quitting as soon as you don't like something? You were out the door. You're being mistreated.

How about your wife, anybody on her case about her quitting the process? Is she working on your marriage or just pattering about self care and how everybody needs to tiptoe around her?

Zad, if anybody says anything about you quitting, you speak up and point out that your wife quit on you long ago and left you trying to glue the pieces together for however long.

[escapingman]

I am a bit confused about all this, what is your actually end goal? It sounds to me like you want out so quitting sounds like the right thing to do. I am also wondering about the laws where you live, do you have to be separated for a year to go ahead with the divorce? Can't you file and put her abuse as the reason to go ahead with it straight away? I think you need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture and then make a discission on what to do, right now you seems tied up with what everybody else wants and says and not what you want or need.

[zad7242]

escapingman, you raise some of the most important questions that reflect on my own pathology maybe more than anything.

My end goal? I have great regrets I entered this marriage knowing what I knew at the time, I didn't know her substance abuse history and previous job as a stripper or even occasional prostitute. I didn't know she believed she was abused by the family that she idealized to me, but I knew enough.  I regret not getting out of the marriage within the first couple of months when things were most dangerous and obviously a train wreck. I know I played a predominant role, as the healthier person, in allowing things to metastasize to where they are now. My goal is for one more sign that things haven't changed then I am out for good. Marriage therapy is the only stone I felt like we haven't turned over so I am giving that a shot. I am hampered by guilt and a lack of trust in my own decision making. I made the decision to marry her even when friends and family gave me warnings. You should see the look on my parent's face during the wedding in our photos, you would swear they were at a funeral. So, I am in constant need of external sources to validate my desire to leave. But as much as I look for outside validation, I also don't trust that everyone sees divorce the same way I do from a moral/religious perspective. But like I've mentioned, the people I trust within my Faith tradition have all told me one way or another "God doesn't want you to live this way. for you or your children." Basically, I don't want our marriage to work because I don't trust it can improve enough to be a happy marriage, but I don't trust that I am not just being selfish and looking for an easier life elsewhere.

Yes, my state requires the one year for no-fault divorce. I could instantly file for an at fault divorce that would have to be based on probably a constructive eviction ground, i.e. she has made daily life so unbearable it amounts to her kicking me out. I obviously worry about the blowback from that, harm to the kids and my lack of up to date evidence. She does not scream nearly as much as she used to, although screaming at my daughter at 1am is what caused our separation. My lawyer thinks it would be a pretty straightforward win for me, but I also know she wants my money for litigation ha.

I'd appreciate any responses to this, but I will give the thread a rest for a while, as I know I need to do more internal soul searching from within.....

[escapingman]

I am just going to add that I lost over a year and all advantage I could have had in my separation of my now ex wife by trying to do it amicable and to get her to agree to the divorce. In the end I filed for a fault based divorce and that was the only way to get it moving, it made no difference as her point of view was to not divorce and get me back in line.

[MaxedOut]

I regret not getting out of the marriage within the first couple of months when things were most dangerous and obviously a train wreck... I am hampered by guilt and a lack of trust in my own decision making. I made the decision to marry her even when friends and family gave me warnings. You should see the look on my parent's face during the wedding in our photos, you would swear they were at a funeral... Basically, I don't want our marriage to work because I don't trust it can improve enough to be a happy marriage, but I don't trust that I am not just being selfish and looking for an easier life elsewhere.

I feel like some of the words here are getting at the root of things Zad. It sounds like a lot of guilt in a lot of areas has been controlling you. And second guessing. The people who love you and your gut and your brain are all on the same page. But you trust in yourself and your guilt is and has been getting in the way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with prioritizing your welfare and quality of life first.

My ex would call me selfish from time to time—while I was working full time to support use; doing almost all the housework; handling caregiving, medical, and financial domains; walking on eggshells and adapting all sorts of parts of myself to regulate her emotions; and putting up with abuse. I can't remember what I read or watched but something debunking the idea of "selfishness" and selfishness as negative when it comes to continuing in relationships that are not positive.

I remember her calling me selfish for something—I think in response to something relatively mundane, but I was clear I was going to do something. Normally I would JADE or cave. I just said something like "Yeah, I am being selfish. I want to do this."

Because you know what? It was OK, good in fact, healthier in fact to be a little selfish. There is a big difference between prioritizing self when we are not being treated well or simply no longer want to be in a relationship and actively looking to take or hoard or harm others to benefit ourselves.