Happy Anniversary

[Whatthehey]

Today I opened Facebook and right away I was hit with my most liked post of all time - my wedding picture that I posted last year on my anniversary.  33 years today I married him.  I had forgotten about it - I only walked out five weeks ago.  Last week I forgot my daughter's first anniversary.  I could chalk it up to purposeful forgetfulness but in truth - I just plain forgot.

We negotiated a temporary settlement this week but the paperwork has not been filed with the court yet.  Last week he was sweetness and light.  This week stone cold silence.  Our typical routine.  It has been a blessing though since now I only feel justified instead sad.

33 years; three kids; two house moves; autism; cancer; loss of parents; almost bankrupt; master degrees; job changes; and all the little things in between.

Yet, in my core the man scares me.  When I don't feel fear; I feel nothing. 

I am in my apartment now.  With enough money until the temporary orders go into effect.  I have bed now to sleep on - I was on the floor for a month.  My son stayed with me for the first time last night.  I finally got a bed for him.  I have requested some of the furniture from the house so we will see what he allows.  My lawyer says I'm entitled but his lawyer says I left it.

So is it silly, that one of his deals was to always balance the checkbook weekly.  Check the balance against receipts daily.  And here in my own place, I have begun files, etc. but a little part of me wants to just wait and do it monthly.  My own cheap little shot against him.

Happy sad pathetic anniversary to me.  No that is the wrong way to end this post.

Happy first month away to me.  That's better.

[looloo]

Happy first month away!  This is a huge accomplishment, and you did it!!

When I moved out and filed for divorce a few months after, I considered my move out date to be my very own day to celebrate every year.  Kind of my own personal Independence Day.  This year, it will be 14 years, and I still celebrate in my own small way.  It is MY day that I don't have to share with anyone, it is important only to me, and I love that.

[Spygirl]

Happy freedom day!

I will be divorced officially July 4th. The judge has a sense of humor.

I went through pretty severe withdrawl symptoms when i separated  from my pdh. Almost went on meds and disability. This forum and some friends bolstered me

The memory stuff was really bad. It persisted for a good year. I could not concentrate on anything. Forgot simple things. Did not even notice how dirty my place was for months.
I also had nothing, a few clothes, a mattress, a chair. It was better though, looking back. I was able to aquire items with no memories attached to them from the marriage. Now as i pack to move, i am activly throwing away other joint items.  I guess what im getting at is that you get to create your own life, do things how you want.

He does not own you now. It will take a long time to really feel you are not fenced in somehow, but.you will get there.

[sad_dog_mommy]

Hello!  Did you know you can delete those 'on this day' memory posts?  Go though and purge anything that might pop up and trigger you in the future. 

((( hug )))

[Whatthehey]

Thank you sad_dog_mommy.  I didn't know I could delete them.  My stbxOCPDh (wow, those acronyms are hard) is always asking who I have told; who knows; etc.  It really concerns him.  I frankly don't care who knows.  It's not their business so what does it matter.

I asked him over last to see a movie our son wanted us to see.  We watched it and worked on a puzzle.  Talked a little about the situation but there were times I felt uncomfortable.  Really uncomfortable.  He just texted and asked me to dinner and I declined.  I don't want this to become a thing and find myself hovered.  I can see it easily happening.  Fortunately, having my own place, allows me time to feel my own feelings and separate from his feelings.  So whenever there is an interaction, I can go back to my place and see what I really think.  I just have to remember to remain calm in the interaction and buy myself time whenever there is negotiation.

Today I had those swirling emotions/circular thinking that just whirls around in my head.  There are so many chores to do.  I slept in past noon (damn cancer meds) and an hour ago, was reading the boards and fell asleep again.  I think there might some depression here as well as meds.  I don't want to go out.  Don't even want to leave my living room/bedroom; don't want to call anyone or communicate at all.  I just want to wallow today.  That doesn't;t feel healthy but I am not sure I'm strong enough to change it.

My daughters are very angry with me.  One is angry that I left and feels so sorry for her father.  He doesn't know how to do laundry; fold his shirts; the house is dirty and he doesn't know how to clean.  Poor Dad.  The other is angry with me for leaving ten years ago and putting her through all of her father's crap.  Here I am trying hard to breath every day and I can't share my own little miracles like choosing a valance for the kitchen window and how hard it was to make that little decision.

I am so angry with them for not understanding or at least trying to understand my side.  I am not talking with them about it though.  It isn't their business and I don't want to lean on them.  But they could at least reach out to me and not be selfish.  Who the hell did I raise?

I feel so sleepy again.  Really trying to keep eyes open but it may not happen.