Coping when Christians are the flying monkeys

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Sidney37

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Coping when Christians are the flying monkeys
« on: December 20, 2019, 10:59:17 AM »
So I was raised a Christian and very active in the church.  My mother is likely a covert NPD.  My dad enables her.  After years of emotional PD abuse and covert manipulation, reading ďBoundariesĒ, setting healthy boundaries and uPDm flipping out because she wonít accept anything other than total enmeshment and having her give me the silent treatment as punishment, DH, kids and I finally went NC over the summer.

Now I know, thanks to social media posts that were shared widely and therefore with me by church members to shame me, that Christian church members are acting as flying monkeys.  Iím not even FB friends with my mother - she unfriended me over some very petty issues she created months ago.  I blocked her several months later when she started sending abusive emails and texts.  Church members are publicly shaming me on social media, saying Iím brainwashing my kids, keeping them away from my parents to punish them, that Iím trying to hurt my parents, that Iím being brainwashed, etc.

How do you cope when your PD parent is covert and hides behind religion to make themselves out to be a wonderful person?  And they use Christian, church member flying monkeys to further victimize and shame you?  In good news, I several hours away years ago, but hundreds of people including old teachers, pastors, classmates, co-workers have seen these posts and terrible comments about me by church elders/staff/volunteers.   Not one has reached out to me for the truth. 

Iím not sure how to reconcile this with faith.  Iím in a new town without a close trusted pastor to talk to. 

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Bloomie

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Re: Coping when Christians are the flying monkeys
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2019, 12:54:01 PM »
Quote from: Sydney37
How do you cope when your PD parent is covert and hides behind religion to make themselves out to be a wonderful person?  And they use Christian, church member flying monkeys to further victimize and shame you?  In good news, I several hours away years ago, but hundreds of people including old teachers, pastors, classmates, co-workers have seen these posts and terrible comments about me by church elders/staff/volunteers.   Not one has reached out to me for the truth. 

Sydney37 - what a disappointment this has to be for you on all fronts. It is a scorched earth tactic and shocking how many jump on the bandwagon without checking in or seeming to question. My heart hurts just thinking about you going through this as we have faced similar things and actually left our faith community of decades because of this kind of thing.  :'(

This stood out to me...."these posts and terrible comments about me by church elders/staff/volunteers". I read through your other thread regarding all of this and your decision to not address it or respond and I respect that and have made that decision myself at times like this.

I am wondering though... do you have a relationship with your former pastor? If so, have you thought about contacting him/her and working through this with him/her in a private conversation? Church staff and elders, in particular, are waaaaay out of order taking on the crusade and commenting and passing judgement and their spiritual leader would be a place you could possibly go and discuss how to handle this repeating of gossip, speculation and harsh judgement without one single solitary person having the strength of character to check in.

Ultimately, this is cyber bullying and mobbing and it involves your kiddos. There is nothing spiritual about it whatsoever. You have an enraged covert N and I personally found that is as dangerous as a grizzly bear.

I believe, looking back at a very similar situation, that there is a time and way to speak up in an empowered and respectful way against those who would attack us and publicly shame and harm us and our family members. Part of what made all of this so incredibly painful for me was how cornered, isolated, and disempowered I truly believed I was in the midst of it.

I believed it was always best to not respond. Period. I have since learned that it is most often best not to respond, but sometimes with high conflict disordered people who will take their rage public and malign us and our family and publicly bully us, there are times when our character has been so attacked and we have been so deeply harmed that finding a way to address the attacks on us is vital to our healing.

Maybe it is not posting a big ole post on SM to counter their post - not that doing that would be wrong at all imv, but it could be having a heart to heart with a pastor who needs to address some serious character issues in their faith community and who could possibly offer support and comfort and spiritual guidance. Just a thought.

The very heart of how I coped most importantly, above all else, was resting in the knowledge that The God of all comfort sees me, knows me, loves me with an everlasting love and He fights for me. 

Ultimately who I am, the choices I have made with my life over time that reflect my character stands. I take shelter in His protection and power over all of this.

I am down the road from most of this and have tried to cut off all avenues of hearing about the smearing that continues to some degree sadly enough - some things still leak through. There are relationships that were destroyed by the smearing and those who I am sure continue to believe the worst about me and my family. I stepped away from SM as a protective measure and have not regretted that choice. Maybe even just taking a good break would be helpful to you?

There has been one single solitary person who came to me and apologized having had the opportunity to see the mask slip with the PD family member for themselves. They admitted that they believed the lies they were being told all the while saying to themselves and others... "that is really out of character for bloomie and her family".  :doh: It was healing to have this one experience and I am so grateful for it, but I don't count on that and don't look for it from people.

There is a dark valley we find ourselves in when these things hit us - at least there has been for me, and I grieved hard through this experience and at times didn't know if I could take another loss or disappointment with people I had considered family and trusted friends, who I thought were spiritually mature, :no: jumping on the bandwagon and cutting me out and off. I am thankful you are here and are sharing and reaching out.

Praying for you and your family. Strength, wisdom, and grace as you handle this and move through the emotions of it all. :hug:
« Last Edit: December 20, 2019, 12:59:12 PM by Bloomie »
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Sidney37

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Re: Coping when Christians are the flying monkeys
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2019, 03:32:28 PM »
Thanks  Bloomie

Our former pastor has retired.  He's not the one currently serving at the church and I was told by my parents that he was avoiding contact with people at the church since he retired a few years ago. I know for sure that he didn't use social media or email.   I have never met the new pastor.  According to my uPDM (when I was talking to her last year), the new pastor just adores my mother.  I'm guessing that is my mom's PD talking, but I have no way of knowing.  My guess has been for a while that my parents are lying to the current pastor.    I know they were meeting with her to talk about me just before my NC started. I was expecting the pastor to serve as a flying monkey at some point, but thus far it hasn't happened. 


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StayWithMe

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Re: Coping when Christians are the flying monkeys
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2019, 10:50:17 PM »
I would have saved that online stuff and print it out whenever necessary.  That is, to share it with others when the time seems right.  What is your mother saying about you?  I would think gratuitous remarks mde against you, especially in public, which is what social media is, should be considered despicable among Christian followers.  This would be a good excercise so that you don't have to do too much explaining in the event that someone may think that they'll go to bat for your mother.